The union of Murderers Arsonists and Rapists (MAAR) registered a strong protest after ex-Bihar chief minister Aloo Prasad was taken to Ranchi Central jail. The jail, named fondly after Birsa Munda who died here of cholera, will be home to Aloo and his 44 thieves. MAAR spokesperson Sushil Gunde expressed concern at this alarming trend of disqualified elected members invading their sanctum sanctorum and promised to dismember the members’ members.
In a country where criminals get more protection than law-abiding citizens and a judicial system that’s so slow and complicated, it is a miracle that criminals actually get convicted. Getting into jail is no cakewalk – it requires a clever combination of perseverance, enterprise, willingness to get caught and pissing off influential relatives or elected members, disqualified or otherwise. “Just as we were looking forward to enjoying the fruits of our labour and spending a peaceful, bribe free, inflation free and rent free existence in prison, our peace of mind is shattered with the arrival of these VIP inmates. It sucks that jails are now reserved for former politicians and businessmen. Where will poor run-of-the-mill murderers, thieves and rapists go?” exclaimed Gunde.
Besharam Kundu, a long time veteran who has spent 26 blissful years behind bars for stealing his neighbour’s goat rued: “there was a time when the high and mighty were forced to sup with petty criminals like us. Be it a serial killer or a pick-pocket, we were all made to share the same stinking lavatories and have the same watery daal with undercooked rice. My stomach still grumbles at the memory of that momentous day when all 420 of us went down with cholera after feasting on six day old kheer served in honour of the jail-warden’s birthday. Not anymore!” he spat. “We now have to put up with disgraced barons, real estate magnates, high profile ministers who arrive with much fan-fare and are treated like damads visiting their sasural. I fear, they will damage our cholera reputation ”.
Khatarnak Singh, serial rapist, couldn’t hold back his tears as he added “It hurts to see that despite being model prisoners for decades, it is these wannabes who are allotted cells with the best views and served piping-hot, home-cooked meals. Even the meat is from goats who have been fed high grade, home-grown fodder”. Khatarnak does acknowledge that he doesn’t have to put up with them for long. Coincidentally, within a few days of arrival, they develop chest pains that are so subtle, they have to be rushed to AIIMS to regain good health and serve the cause of justice.
In the meantime, as speculation was rife about an imminent political disaster following Aloo’s unexpected jail-term, Rashtriya Be-Chaara Dal (RBD) MP Prabhubaap Singh chose to see the silver lining. "Whenever Alooji goes to jail, the party becomes stronger” he said at the RBD meet amidst thunderous applause. He had recently read in his favourite health journal, Cosmopolitan, that banishing aloo from your diet makes you lean and strong.
Firecrackers were burst outside Aloo’s residence to celebrate his becoming a fodder figure to his nine children. Jalebi Devi said she was overjoyed that her husband has been convicted in an animal husbandry scam. “Alooji always had animal magnetism and preferred cows to me. He ‘finds peace’ among his 72 Jersey cows and 42 calves. It’s a pity he has to hand over the leadership to his son Tejasvi and not his beloved bovines.”
She further added “While most ministers and bureaucrats took upper class routes to embezzle funds from telecom licenses, coal reserves, coffins for our martyrs and kickbacks from arms companies, it was Aloo, son of the soil, who stuck to the grassroots and bought fodder that did not exist.”
If poverty is a state of mind, fodder is food for thoughts that cross the mind. And Alooji has always been a thinker ahead of his times. Ask Harvard.
13 lucky criminals were set free to accommodate Aloo and his entourage. As he entered the jail premises, he told assembled reporters that he has full faith in our judiciary, in our laws taking their own course, and above all, in the right to appeal decisions like they now do in cricket. He expects to be out before Rahul Gandhi hums his next dream RaGa.
Inmates banged their heads against prison bars with glee. They love classical music.
This post was also published in The Unreal Times