Tuesday, October 1, 2013

If poverty is a state of mind, fodder is food for thoughts that cross the mind


Courtesy NDTV.Com


The union of Murderers Arsonists and Rapists (MAAR) registered a strong protest after ex-Bihar chief minister Aloo Prasad was taken to Ranchi Central jail. The jail, named fondly after Birsa Munda who died here of cholera, will be home to Aloo and his 44 thieves. MAAR spokesperson Sushil Gunde expressed concern at this alarming trend of disqualified elected members invading their sanctum sanctorum and promised to dismember the members’ members.

In a country where criminals get more protection than law-abiding citizens and a judicial system that’s so slow and complicated, it is a miracle that criminals actually get convicted. Getting into jail is no cakewalk – it requires a clever combination of perseverance, enterprise, willingness to get caught and pissing off influential relatives or elected members, disqualified or otherwise. “Just as we were looking forward to enjoying the fruits of our labour and spending a peaceful, bribe free, inflation free and rent free existence in prison, our peace of mind is shattered with the arrival of these VIP inmates. It sucks that jails are now reserved for former politicians and businessmen. Where will poor run-of-the-mill murderers, thieves and rapists go?” exclaimed Gunde.

Besharam Kundu, a long time veteran who has spent 26 blissful years behind bars for stealing his neighbour’s goat rued: “there was a time when the high and mighty were forced to sup with petty criminals like us. Be it a serial killer or a pick-pocket, we were all made to share the same stinking lavatories and have the same watery daal with undercooked rice. My stomach still grumbles at the memory of that momentous day when all 420 of us went down with cholera after feasting on six day old kheer served in honour of the jail-warden’s birthday. Not anymore!” he spat. “We now have to put up with disgraced barons, real estate magnates, high profile ministers who arrive with much fan-fare and are treated like damads visiting their sasural. I fear, they will damage our cholera reputation ”.


Khatarnak Singh, serial rapist, couldn’t hold back his tears as he added “It hurts to see that despite being model prisoners for decades, it is these wannabes who are allotted cells with the best views and served piping-hot, home-cooked meals. Even the meat is from goats who have been fed high grade, home-grown fodder”. Khatarnak does acknowledge that he doesn’t have to put up with them for long. Coincidentally, within a few days of arrival, they develop chest pains that are so subtle, they have to be rushed to AIIMS to regain good health and serve the cause of justice.

In the meantime, as speculation was rife about an imminent political disaster following Aloo’s unexpected jail-term, Rashtriya Be-Chaara Dal (RBD) MP Prabhubaap Singh chose to see the silver lining. "Whenever Alooji goes to jail, the party becomes stronger” he said at the RBD meet amidst thunderous applause.
He had recently read in his favourite health journal, Cosmopolitan, that banishing aloo from your diet makes you lean and strong.

Firecrackers were burst outside Aloo’s residence to celebrate his becoming a fodder figure to his nine children. Jalebi Devi said she was overjoyed that her husband has been convicted in an animal husbandry scam. “Alooji always had animal magnetism and preferred cows to me. He ‘finds peace’ among his 72 Jersey cows and 42 calves. It’s a pity he has to hand over the leadership to his son Tejasvi and not his beloved bovines.”

She further added “While most ministers and bureaucrats took upper class routes to embezzle funds from telecom licenses, coal reserves, coffins for our martyrs and kickbacks from arms companies, it was Aloo, son of the soil, who stuck to the grassroots and bought fodder that did not exist.”

If poverty is a state of mind, fodder is food for thoughts that cross the mind. And Alooji has always been a thinker ahead of his times. Ask Harvard.

13 lucky criminals were set free to accommodate Aloo and his entourage. As he entered the jail premises, he told assembled reporters that he has full faith in our judiciary, in our laws taking their own course, and above all, in the right to appeal decisions like they now do in cricket. He expects to be out before Rahul Gandhi hums his next dream RaGa.

Inmates banged their heads against prison bars with glee. They love classical music. 


This post was also published in The Unreal Times
 


45 comments:

  1. Long live the democracy where more such VIPs will enter the hallowed portals hopefully without black cats guarding them:)

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    Replies
    1. I read somewhere that his commandos will give him company.

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  2. 'cells with the best views' !!! LOL ! Nice take on current affairs.

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  3. Harvard needs to double check before inviting Indian ministers. But it is a good start. Someone said people are distributing sweets in Bihar.

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    1. Imagine, it took 16 years to send this man to jail!

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  4. Hahaha .. you are still the best in this business!

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  5. That was a riot. 'Fodder figure'. Better still, 'phodder phigure'. :D

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    1. Hahahahahaha...should have thought of that.

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  6. You are fantastic with words, Purba! This was so hilarious, all the smart puns! I just loved them. Indeed Aloo is the true son of the soil who steals from the gai! After 17 years! Why is no one talking about judicial reforms? Why are we stuck with law that is used as a prostitute by the high and mighty?

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    1. Laws, morals, rules are meant for the middle class. Ironically, our lawmakers are the first to flout the rules. Sad, isn't it.

      And thank you so much, Rachna :-)

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  7. Apne zamane ka Kishan Kanhaiya in reverse! The one was liberated from jail at birth and went on the feed the cows - the other fed off the cows and went to jail :)

    Absolutely rocking fun, Purba, but when has it not been here?

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    1. All these wonderful ideas AFTER I've published the post. Why o why should it be this way ~~~

      And you Mr Chandrasekharan are always gracious with your compliments.

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  8. A Small Cell for Aloo but a giant Jhadoo for Indian politics.... .... great going Purba.. keep them coming... :)

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    1. HAHAHAHAHA @ Giant Jhadoo. I believe the High and Mighty have decided to scrap the Ordinance.

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  9. wonderful and you Mrs Purba are soo intelligent!!!! and who knows maybe harvard just knows who might in future turn out to be crminals...and they invite them!!

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    Replies
    1. Err...it's 99% perspiration and 1% intelligence :-)

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  10. "..dismember the members’ members" ~ hats off..

    Sacred cows, cash cows...holy cow! what a country.

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  11. The state's been Rogered by Fodderor for too long. Time to return the favour.

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    Replies
    1. Compared to recent scams, Laloo's fodder seems like child play.

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  12. I am sure many cases in Indian courts have reached a stage where only posthumous convictions are feasible. Hurrah to the system!

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    1. ROFL @ posthumous convictions.

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  13. As always, all the puns right in their place. This post was enjoyable too. You make me come back to current affairs and you make it interesting food for thought or is it fodder for thought!

    Thanks :)

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  14. I cracked up at the names! Hilarious!
    I am sure the government is looking to transfer billions from education, defense, Infrastructure and other such trifles for new and modern upgrades to these resorts, errm, I mean jails for thenburgeoning politician population there!

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    Replies
    1. Since Parliament will soon be emptied once the Ordinance protecting convicted netas is scrapped, Tihar can open its branch inside the premises.

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  15. Sigh, I'll miss him! :D

    When are the other national leaders going out for their much deserved vacations?

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    Replies
    1. Let's send them where their bank accounts are - Switzerland.

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    2. Anything to flush them out of our country.

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  16. This was more than a satire, Purba. Apart from this man, there are more who from the so-called poor state must be jailed. His exit sets hope for some good politics, or so I hope with my optimistic mind.

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    Replies
    1. Agree, It's time we elected leaders who work for the country and not their bank balance.

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  17. people should be punished for the past mistakes. This was needed. Plus the fact that his wife now seeks to take the initiative to replace him, seems like a harsh statement.

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    Replies
    1. I just hope that the people of Bihar reject him and his party.

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  18. This was hilarious ! ROFL ! Unfortunately, everything in our country seems hilarious these days.

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    Replies
    1. Laughing about the sad state of affairs is the best way to cope.

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  19. I am sure he will run the party efficiently from his 5 star suite in the jail. I am also expecting Jalebi aunty to give birth to at least 6 more kids. Why to stop at 9?

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    1. Apparently, he's a Law graduate (SURPRISE!) and will be given teaching duties in Jail.

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  20. A true son of the soil indeed.Scathing sarcasm Purbajee. You are the best!

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  21. OUR GAIYYAS--GAU MATAS WILL BE SFAE NOW ALONG WITH THEIR CHARA.
    Should it not bother us as a nation---the picture which international community draws of us?

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  22. Hilarious but seems that we are all left with just humour in these odd times. But fortunately have you to make us laugh by witty prose. Ten Hut !!

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Psst... let me know what you are thinking.

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