Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Prince William Chhe



 
Juo ae Rajkumar William chhe!


It was when the Buckingham Palace-is-the-world’s-most-expensive-old-age-home joke was cracked for 568544th time that Prince William could no longer hold his post Chicken Tikka Masala bile-and-spit in the jewel encrusted spittoon (a once-upon-a-time gift from the Maharajah of Golconda). Trust one of the minions to confuse the king-in-waiting’s aikthoo as the family’s jewels and rush it to Sotheby’s for a grand auction. Since Sotheby’s, the most expensive kabaadi house in the world, refuses to take anything by face value, they sent it to the labs for testing.

When the lab reports arrived, Chief Curator Archibald Hairsome collapsed on the carpet and almost sent the million pound vase from Ming Dynasty crashing. Thankfully it landed on his head. He is now recuperating in the same hospital where the Royal Baby is expected to make an appearance.

Since the matter was of utmost secrecy, a messenger boy was sent through one of secret tunnels to convey the shocking discovery – The Duke of Cambridge, William and scoundrel Harry have Indian ancestry.

Britain’s second longest reigning monarch, world’s most cruel Mom, Ekta Kapoor’s inspiration, will be giving up her dear throne to a half-blood prince!!! Great Britain will finally have a monarch with ancestral links to a country they colonized and exploited for over 300 years.

An irony so ironical that you could wipe the rust off it…

Thursday, June 20, 2013

When Soilitude was an Alien Concept


In India, solitude is an alien concept. A subcontinent bursting at its seams with over 1 billion lives, it is tough to escape the busy chattering, impatient honking, loud celebrations and fumes of sweaty bodies. Our cities are constantly expanding and mutating to accommodate the influx of eager souls with dreams to make it big. It’s common to see families huddled under flyovers, silently watching revelry of the young and the impetuous, drunk on life. Enterprise flourishes in all shapes and forms, in every nook and corner – from children peddling magazines to the memsahib in her chauffeured car, to the hawker stands that feed the hungry and the tired, to the glitzy shopping malls where the trendy head for a good time.

Even if you are living alone, with your family pining for you in a far off city, your newspaper-wala, milkman, home delivery guy, cleaning lady will make sure your bell is always ringing, their smiles, and inane talks filling the silence of your one bedroom apartment in a high rise.

In India, the concept of loving and caring is sharing your moments of sadness and elation with your hundred odd relatives and friends. A wedding ceremony is less about the couple about to begin a new life and more about guests who are out to have a good time. A battalion of Tais, Buas and chachera bhais, who appear in droves only during celebrations and mourning…

You can be lonely but never alone. 



Friday, June 7, 2013

Romancing the Mountains

He is Snow Leopard to the blogging world. Prateek to his family and friends, and will always be cub to me. As an intern with a non-profit Organization in  Satoli(Uttarakhand),when he is not discovering the wonders of apricots,plums and peaches, he's busy taking in the majestic beauty of the Himalayas and the simplicity of a village life.

In this post he pours his heart out to the mystic one (which I suspect is the spider on his wall).

P.S He's still looking for a spoon and fork to have his daa-chawal with and has sent an SOS to Oprah
Dear Mystic Vixen,

I pen down this letter as I watch the sun go down behind the snow clad peaks of Trimurti. What wonders I have seen and experienced in this region, you would scarcely believe. The beauty of the mountains is hard to describe forsooth; but I shall try nonetheless. White mountains rising in the horizon bearing stark resemblance to Angelina Jolie before mastectomy. The Panchachuli near Munsiyari are five snow top peaks standing in unison. The symmetry is such that I am pretty sure God drew the landscape during crayon drawing lessons in Kindergarten. The barren slopes marked by landslides, the dry pine needles daring smokers to throw a lit butt, the roads or rather lack of it, the bus drivers and the sheer drop on one side of the road - all bearing testimony to Darwin’s theory of natural selection.

The mountains ruin you, dear Mystic. One begins to wake up at 5 in the morning and sleep at 10 at night. All the years of conditioning the body and mind to be awake till 6 AM and to sleep with eyes open during classes are rendered useless. But still the mountains seem to have a hypnotic hold on most populace. I have noticed an influx of tourists in the last one week. Come summers and especially the summer vacations and everyone heads north, like a migratory bird; paying heed to some ancient gene from the time when our ancestors were still swinging from branches and throwing poop at each other.


Living in the Mountains also makes you realize that you might be asthmatic. A few minute walk uphill sends your heat-beat into overdrive. In an act of uncalled bravado, I entered my name in a half Marathon that was held in Mukteshwar earlier last month. I now have a very good idea how a fish feels out of water. During olden days, people used to come and live here to attain spiritual enlightenment and be closer to God. I think it is true. You suddenly realize your faith in God when you are packed in an SUV with 30 other people, and I am not counting the driver (who is usually high on hash or as they call it “Dum”). The last time I visited Almora, while coming back there were 34 people in and on a Tata Sumo. The Driver himself was sitting on a passenger’s lap and we had 8 on the roof and 2 hanging behind. I must take this moment to tell you that I have a new-found respect for all the hens in India’s poultry farms. As the SUV sped from one deathly turn to another and as I looked at the 100 feet straight drop on the left hand side, I realized I may not be an Atheist after all.

Monday, June 3, 2013

What the fuck!

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In an age where scams occupy the powerful, outrage preoccupies the powerless, rape is fun and games for the frustrated, it has become mandatory to express our frustration with – WHAT THE FUCK!

The F word is undeniably the most explosive bomb that expresses more than any existing word in our lexicon. A knight in shining armour that comes to our rescue when our vocabulary falls short. What a fucking good job it does to give vent to our disgust! What’s more, this pint sized word is more versatile than most of our Bollywood actors with faux accents. Use it liberally to ask that pesky Romeo to fuck off! Tell your boss that you don’t give a fuck about what he thinks of your “non-performance”. Express incredulity with “what the fuck!” when you get your annual bonus, resign with your middle finger pointing northwards and stomp off with a “fuck you”!

Damn, that felt good!

Profanities have existed longer than L K Advani and his ambition to become India’s PM. While swear words like damn you, holy shit, go to hell have lost their sting and evolved as the last resort for the timid. The f word has held its sway and is now part of our everyday vocabulary.

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