Sunday, January 12, 2014

India’s Bai-lateral relationship with US – It’s complicated!


The arrest of Devyani Gobarkhate over claims that she had lied on a visa form for her domestic help, lead to the bai-lateral relationship between US and India hitting an all-time low. After she was publicly handcuffed, strip-searched, kept in a cell with drug addicts like this Al-Qa’da terrorist who had come to have a blast in the US, India, instead of its usual stance of condemning an act and forgetting all about it in a couple of days, retaliated fiercely.

In a rare show of maturity and unbridled bravado, security barriers outside the US embassy in New Delhi were removed and US diplomats and their families were denied special privileges. In short, they are now subjected to the common man treatment. “We will deal with them exactly the same way they we deal with the citizens of our country – pretend they don't exist” – said Rabies Shanker Prasad, leader of the opposition Bharatiya Janata Party.

In a shocking development, when a US diplomat lost his way in Delhi fog and mistakenly overtook Robot Vadra’s cavalcade – the country’s most important son-in-law – he was promptly strip- searched and made to spend the night outside the police station in freezing cold. He is now recovering from pneumonia at Ram Manohar Lohia hospital, where attendants only communicate in Hindi.

Political leaders from both the ruling and opposition parties said bai-bai to an American congressional delegation visiting Delhi instead of meeting them. US-visa-reject and BJP’s candidate for Prime Minister, Narendra Moody, announced that the Patel Motel Association of USA will admit only those guests who can sing Falguni Pathak hits. Indian run 7-11 stores will henceforth be closing by 5 to protest Ms Gobarkhate’s shabby treatment.

India, that has too often been dismissed as a toothless crone that protests noisily but seldom bites, took the United States aback with this rare show of fangs.


India stepped up the pressure last week ahead of the Jan 13 court appearance where Ms Gobarkhate could be indicted: it ordered the US embassy in Delhi to serve only chicken tikka masala pizza, aloo burger and paneer makhni hotdogs to American expatriates. In yet another crafty move, calls from irate passengers dying to let off steam at airline staff for fog-cancelled flights were redirected to the American embassy.

It had the desired effect, Ms Gobarkhade was promptly indicted and sent back to India with diplomatic immunity.


United States’ limitless tolerance for Pakistan's backyard terrorism and zero tolerance towards imbeciles who treat their maids like we do in India is well known. When International Monetary Fund chief, Dominique Strauss-Kahn was arrested in New York City on charges of sexually assaulting a hotel maid, he was marched into the police precinct in handcuffs before an assembled bank of photographers with only his wife and Shiney Ahuja as his pillars of support.

Image courtesy - Twitter.com
Worldwide Association of Maids (WAM) has hailed the US of A as the only nation that realizes their true worth. Indian maids are now threatening to run off to Amrika every time their memsahib rebukes them for clanging utensils too loudly while washing them. Parents are petrified that their Einsteins-in-making might ditch their IIT JEE classes in favour of nannyship that pays upwards of 4.5 grand in US dollars. Stay at home, hands on Moms have discovered a new found respect for themselves. After it emerged that that US embassy paid for Sangeeta Richard’s family’s air-tickets to New York even before she complained of being underpaid, many Indians whose visas had been previously rejected are now reapplying as maids.

Impressed with America’s show of solidarity with the repressed and under-privileged AAM aurat, Arvind Kejriwal has magnanimously offered them the use of Jhadoo as their new national emblem.

Meanwhile, Uttam Gobarkhate, Devyani’s father has hailed her as an “Aadarsh” nari fighting to save India’s sovereignty. Devyani in turn has lauded him as an Aadarsh dad for threatening to have her maid's family abducted and to frame them on false drug charges. She has urged other fellow Indians and supporters to celebrate everyday as Her Father’s Day for the rest of 2014.

Expressing bitter disappointment at Ms Gobarkhate’s indictment, India said that its ties with US are now like potholes on Delhi roads and will take forever to repair. “We were expecting a clean chit for Devyani like we gave her in the Aadarsh scam case but US has made it clear to the rest of the world that it prefers maids to diplomats.”, said Salmom Khurshid's secretary. The Minister of External Affairs, in Las Vegas to study their drainage system, was unavailable for comment.


In yet another blow to the US, India expelled an American diplomat of a similar rank as Devyani. It is now considering moving the American embassy from Shantipath to Geeta Colony, right next to Billoo’s herbal parlour offering aunty pimple, aunty scare, aunty rinkle treatments. Salmom Khurshid’s office clarified that these measures are not hostile but an arrangement based of reciprocity.

Let this be a lesson to other countries - you treat us like shit and we'll treat you like bullshit! Dare mess with India and we will replace alcohol in bottles you import with drinking water and make you watch DD Sports and DD Live for the rest of your stay.

It is learnt that once Devyani Gobarkhade takes up Samajwadi Party’s offer of a Lok Sabha seat, instead of protesting and walking out of the assembly like the rest of her colleagues, she will write her memoir tentatively titled ‘The Bai who screwed me’. A-Musing has already been contacted to write a favourable review of her yet to be published book.


Top post on IndiBlogger.in, the community of Indian Bloggers


73 comments:

  1. That's it. I'm calling my attorney. You are a health hazard and have to be stopped before you do any further damage to my tummy, which is still twitching like aftershocks.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You know right, I'm a blogger who doesn't get paid, doesn't win anything. You won't get a penny out of me.

      Delete
  2. This is howl-arious!! Definitely worth a couple of shares. I don't think anyone else could have quite pulled this off as brilliantly as you did Purba. Amazing as always! And thank you for the laugh. My stomach still hurts.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dammit! I sound like a bacterial infection. Take care and get well soon :p

      Delete
  3. Salmon Khursheed bared his fangs in view of the looming LS elections. Meanwhile tabloids are busy comparing Devyani's looks with Frieda Pinto. Loved the way you have incorporated current affairs in this hilarious piece.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's all so murky and Devyani's dad has done maximum damage to her reputation. Sorry, I feel no sympathy for the lady.

      Delete
  4. Replies
    1. I'm sure there's more to come.

      Delete
  5. hehehe Purba, this was so delightful. Poor Gobarkhate, what did she know that she could not pull strings that she had been used to pulling all her life to get out of a sticky situation. I tell you, it is so difficult to understand that some countries follow laws. After all, in India if you are rich and connected, laws don't apply!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It was so embarrassing to see India put up a childish display of so called retaliatory measures. We have our priorities totally screwed up, where territorial invasion is dealt with no action but only empty threats.

      Delete
  6. Hahah!! A justifying post, Purba Madam! :)

    ReplyDelete
  7. haha...bai-lateral! Gobarkhate truly brought out the always misisng 'Adarsh' side of the Govt!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. ROFL, Nabanita. Missing Adarsh indeed.

      Delete
  8. Your Sense of Humor is just incredible..

    ReplyDelete
  9. Main to kehti hoon as Good Indian citizens we should all do our bit..I shall stop eating at American Diner and go instead to Nathus !

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes and make sure that you give two tight slaps to anyone who tries to speak in that horrendous American accent :D

      Delete
  10. Hahaha...your posts are the medicine for the soul.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Ah! You and your "bai" love is legendary...and it produces the best of the sarcasm...I am really glad to finally read something that doesn't favor Devyani blindly as if all our patriotism relied on whether or not we support her.

    On the writing, I always like your sarcastic posts more because of the sheer effort it takes to construct every sentence as it's not merely a flow of thoughts. Very well written!

    ReplyDelete
  12. I agree that a diplomat being subjected to strip-search just because her maid had filed a complaint, was completely unnecessary. But this is how US Law enforcement works. It spares nobody, not even when the accused happens to be the chief of IMF.

    Oh, and thank you. I am going through this "I hate my writing" phase. This felt like a balm for the soul :-)

    ReplyDelete
  13. What a post. Bai-lateral realtions! Speechless. Hahas, heehees, rofls and smileys will have to suffice.

    Strip-search was, indeed, taking it too far. Even the handcuffs. A stiff fine, making her pay for the bai's ticket back, compensation for underpaying the bai - would have sufficed. It would have given them moral authority. Their desire to humiliate others (remember the Iranian prisoner photos -prisoners in their own country?) makes me scornful - lose all respect.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. But we gave them tit for tat. If they behaved in a high handed manner, we reacted childishly.

      And thank you so much :-)

      Delete
  14. This is a once in life time opportunity when all political parties have united with eyes set for the forthcoming elections and each one trying to outdo other where poor Devayani is still wondering how she will be ever united with her family again!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Poor Devyani has her Pyare Papa by her side. I'm sure he'll figure out something for her.

      Delete
  15. hahahahaahah....JUSTIFIED the whole drama quite amazingly!!!!
    You are one great writer!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This episode and the resulting crossfire was better than any weepy soap on television :D

      Delete
  16. You made your point as sarcastically as possible. This incident was a typical one how India as a nation behaves without doing proper home works. Once again the nation has proved that it cares only for its rich and connected citizens! But when you use this kind of sarcasm against the mighty ones, you should be careful. They are not so broadminded to tolerate such criticisms!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I am sure the mighty ones have better things to do than read my blog :-)

      Delete
  17. "Under-privileged AAM aurat" - Glad you brought this out.I think that topic deserves a post from you.

    Btw, our national motto - "In Bai We Trust"

    ReplyDelete
  18. A funny take on a ridiculous episode...i think both sides are to blame and both are acting immaturely!!

    http://www.myunfinishedlife.com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Agree. The situation could have been handled better.

      Delete
  19. Whoa! you echoed my thoughts...sarcasm to its best... and I'm giggling in my office :P

    ReplyDelete
  20. Hilarious post. I don't feel anything for Devyani. But yes, US took it a little far and then India jumped in to compete.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Devyani knew exactly what she was doing. And India has better causes to support. Why just her?

      Delete
  21. What irked me most was that there was another incident that had occurred around the same time as this.. where an Indian sailor was jailed in Togo and his family awaited his return to cremate his dead baby... The Indian govt. did nothing till media and social pressure built up on them :|

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think that's what irked us most. So many issues begging for attention and the govt, chooses to train its guns on the US over this!

      I believe the Indian captain, Sunil James was reunited with his family last month.

      Delete
  22. Amazing humor & characteristic satire.
    So true! Congrats for the advance book-review offer! At least 1 wise thing happened out of the Bai-lateral fiasco :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hahaha...I would have preferred a maid.

      Delete
  23. This was a a fun read with goof ups on either sides exposed nicely.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks and congratulations on your new book!

      Delete
  24. Really brilliant. You gave out both sides of the story with a whole lot of sarcasm and hilarity thrown in. Beautiful!

    ReplyDelete
  25. That was a pretty round up of what happened. The good part is that Indian Government did DO something this time, but the bad part is that Devyani (as per the existing laws) has wronged; even when the manner in which she has been wronged is more wrong than her own wrong. But just like so many wrongs don't make my sentence right, but for the sake of theatricality which seems to be the selling formula these days, lets just focus on what was implied and let the smaller corruption drown under the cries of justice for the larger vice.

    (I thought that you misspelled it, and it was kind of amusing. But then when everyone was misspelled, I figured out it was intentional and it was all the more amusing :D)

    Cheers,
    Blasphemous Aesthete

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. ROFL, Anshul. The Bai was intentional since the entire fiasco was centered around her. And I wish Devyani stops playing the victim. USA is not India where laws can be flouted.

      Delete
  26. LOL worthy as always. Contacting A musing for an upcoming book is just natural
    Good fun post

    ReplyDelete
  27. In Devyani we just might have another PM candidate.
    Purba,this is an awesome piece

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you sir for your encouraging words.

      Delete
  28. A must read for Devyani too. Loved it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. She reads this and I'll be recruited as her maid :p

      Delete
  29. There was a common meme which was doing the rounds, which stated that if India had problem with any country, refusing to play cricket with them was the highest level of reciprocating their anger.Nice to see some change and some action, though I doubt if it was actually worth it ;-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We have the inherent talent for picking up the wrong causes and shouting ourselves hoarse over them.

      Delete
  30. A hilarious write indeed. The caption attracted my attention and I couldn't stop without reading the whole post.

    ReplyDelete
  31. It is Devyani.s sheer luck that this happened when it happened-when our govt had come out of coma.Her credentials are murky but so is the treatment meted out to her and other related issues.Hell!it is a cesspool.

    I despise uncle Sam's arrogance and double standards and India's subservience.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. For once, India gave it back in full measure. But Divyani is no damsel in distress who needed rescuing.

      Delete
  32. This post has been selected for the Tangy Tuesday Picks this week. Thank You for an amazing post! Cheers! Keep Blogging :)

    ReplyDelete
  33. That was quite amusing :D
    We must do a "Geeta Colony walk" the next time you visit India. I hope the government won't retaliate against this post and relocate the Australian embassy.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hahahah...I hope they don't relocate the embassy to Nyodaaaa :D

      Delete
  34. ROFL ...I just can't stop laughing.. I wonder if you got a Bai :D with just as much of a tantrum

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You have no idea how many times I have cleaned up their mess :/

      Delete
  35. Hah! Looks like you are already aware then that I have taking up a franchisee of Falguni Pathak Music Academy and am opening my first branch in Geeta Kalony?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. See, how deeply you inspired me with your Geeta Kalony zoke!
      Vastu states that you must name your academy - Falguni Music Corner and look for a location near teesra wala golchakkar, right next to Pappu Papdi.

      Delete
  36. You had to some out with such a brilliant post when I went out of network into the wilderness :) Marvelous read

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ahha...you went to recharge your cells. Welcome back and congratulations for your Blogadda nomination :-)

      Delete
    2. Thanks Purba - and Congrats on yours as well.

      Delete
  37. You are the best Purba when it comes to telling it like it is and we love you for that....keep it up girl!

    ReplyDelete

Psst... let me know what you are thinking.

LinkWithin

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...