Sunday, January 26, 2014

Modi Unveils Gujarat’s biggest erection and makes India proud


Image courtesy - mangaloretoday.com



When Narendra Modi unveiled his plans for India’s biggest erection, a 600 feet statue of Sardar Patel, it was hailed as the next best thing to have happened to India after the Mars Mission. It is hoped that once the statue of iron and concrete with a bronze outer layer – a fitting tribute to the Iron Man of our country – is complete, India will be catapulted to the elusive superpower club. I mean, if we have our very own Statue of Unity towering at twice the height of the Statue of Liberty, the world will be left with very little choice.

It may be recalled that it was Sardar Patel’s iron fist and will that had herded 500 princely states and their royal families into one nation, under the rule of one Royal Family, the Nehru-Gandhi dynasty. So, it comes as no surprise that he’s remembered as the Iron Man – the one who ironed out the creases of a post independent India with his toil and sweat. With no Yojanas (schemes) or universities and only one measly road and school in Delhi to commemorate the greatness of a man who laid the cast iron foundation of a shaky democracy, it was Modi who excavated Vallabhai’s Gujarati roots, dusted the cobwebs off his memory for future generations to remember his contribution to our country. And what better way than an attack of spondylitis to do that as they crane their necks at an ungainly angle to look up to his towering statue. As they nurse their gnawing pain, visitors can take an open lift to his head to get an inside view of his cranium and his way of thinking. To make Mr Patel a fun person to be with, the premises will also house a memorial, research institute, convention facilities, visitors' centre, hotel, and an amusement park. A special shady alcove will be made for honeymooning couples and amorous lovers, where they can carve ‘Jignesh loving deer Pushpa’ on trees in peace.


Since the Gujarat government is employing the services of the same architectural firm responsible for the Burj Khalifa in Dubai, Tom Cruise has promised to film his stunts on Patel’s statue for his next flick, tentatively titled – Mission Impossible Chhe.

LK Advani, India’s biggest and oldest consumer of sour grapes, announced that the proposed Sardar Patel statue in Gujarat, the tallest in the world, will not only rewrite history but also the Guinness Book of records.

Rahul Gandhi, Congress’s maybe-maybe not Prime Ministerial candidate applauded this gigantic move and said his party has a lot to learn from BJP. But before he could complete his sentence, an MLA from Andhra announced his plan to build a temple in Amma Gandhi’s honour – with an idol that looks more like Sridevi than Sonia Gandhi. It is rumoured that AAP, India’s biggest party of 1 million members and growing, will soon be announcing the installation of a giant Jhaadoo, wrapped in a muffler, to celebrate their sweeping victory at the Delhi elections in cold weather.

The feathered variety has expressed jubilation at the prospect of experiencing the joys of pooping from such dizzying heights. The avian community has launched a hunt for the most eligible bird who will inaugurate Patel jee’s head with its auspicious droppings. It is learnt from reliable sources that a certain pigeon that has been carpet bombing this correspondent’s balcony for the last few years, is a strong contender for the top post.

Pilots are overjoyed at the prospect of a stony faced statesman peeking out from the clouds. We are looking forward to getting blinded by Sardar Patel’s bronzed glory. Mr Jha, twice expelled and twice reinstated Pilot of Air India added that it will be nice to have a strong shoulder to cry on, right outside his window, on days the cabin-crew gives him the silent treatment for finishing off all the liquor on board.

Poor fellow was trying to tank up before landing in the dry state.

Mr Patel was unavailable for his reaction on his memory is being exploited to settle scores between rival political parties, each bent on hijacking his legacy in a game of upmanship. Thankfully he’s too dead to care that 2500 crore of public money (roughly the budget for Robert Vadra’s Z category security) is being spent to build a statue made from iron scrap – a garish display of gigantism that contradicts the very principles he stood for when he was alive.

An irony that India’s original Loh Purush could have done without.

Great men and women would have rather have their legacy immortalised through their influence on future generations than being reduced to a tourist attraction on a certain coastline.

A certain Behenjee who was trounced out of her state for immortalising her ego in stone and concrete, will certainly agree.




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61 comments:

  1. "Biggest erection"? I think that metaphor has more truth to it than we're willing to admit! :p

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    Replies
    1. The 56" chest bears testament to it ;-)

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  2. This dick measuring contest is was the only thing left for the politicians to step into. Go India!

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  3. This one is too good.... every paragraph is howlarious... from pigeons to sour grapes consumer :) :)

    But very thought provoking,, I mean as a nation we do have other priorities besides saying " Bhala Uska statue mere statue se bada kaise"

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    1. I had written it two weeks back and then Sunanada Pushkar happened :/

      And I don't think anyone but BJP is excited about this project.


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  4. Hmm - a rib-tickler that ends with a serious - and quite impressive - reflection. We, the people, though prefer the ease of celebrating their statues than the difficult means of treading their paths to commemorate them. Things get even better if we only need to commemorate them with a holiday.

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    1. It all boils down to tokenism with scant regard to what we want as "Public Art".

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  5. Okay. I was going to pick "To make Mr Patel a fun person" as my favourite part, but then in came Mission Impossible Chhe, biggest consumer of sour grapes, jhadoo wrapped in muffler, twice expelled twice reinstated, immortalising her ego in stone - and my loyalties with the biggest erection shook. I would like to remain this way. :D
    Thank heavens you chose news for your satire posts, and not what's new in the world of bloggers. God help if you decide to 'raise a statue' of one of us - bronze or stone. With that one erection, so many of us would have a fall. :D

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    1. I also wanted to add, one man's statue is another bird's shitpot but couldn't fit it anywhere in the post :|

      And would I make fun of people I like? I am mean but not that mean

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  6. Politics of competitive Gigantism! The estimated cost of this giant erection is 2,500 crore. I guess, as a nation we are not at a stage where we can waste money in constructing tallest, largest or biggest stone structures that are not for public good. And who is to stop Mulayam from constructing an even taller structure in Saifai!
    Largest consumer of sour grapes....master stroke.

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    Replies
    1. Such a mammoth waste of time, resources and money and all for the sake of my ideals shiniest!

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  7. Decisions like these are a reflection of our priorities in life:)

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    Replies
    1. Not our priorities but our Neta Log's priorities. The electorate can go to hell!

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  8. Bravo! Great post on a topic that was irritating me for a while.

    He might want to go down in history as a Shah Jahan of 21st century? In my view the emperor's erection was much straighter than this. Firstly it was for a woman, secondly it wasn't politically motivated.

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  9. This is one really stupid idea and shows no matter what, no politician can escape the lure of grandiose statues. Every time, I see the ad on TV, I squirm.

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    Replies
    1. Thankfully I am away from this tamasha.

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  10. Oh this one has to rank as one of your wittiest gems! The "sour grapes" line had me making a water fountain from my mouth! Chalo, better water than Dhokla...choking on that wouldn't have been a good sight.

    I am wondering what Sardar Patel's face looks like. I guess I will never know. I mean, even with my best Chinese-made 'doorbeen', I don't think I'll be able to see any further than the statue's ankles from ground level up, would I?

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    1. I had no idea "sour grapes" would such a hit when I was writing it. Ah well, who doesn't like praise.

      Maybe the Gujarat government will arrange helicopter rides for an eye to eye encounter with Mr Patel.

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  11. Mission Moghu Chhe. But what's a few crore rupees for our great politicians.

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  12. I think Rahulji must be wondering whether he can repair some "damage" by coming up with his own "erections"! On a serious note, I am sure Sardar Patel would be glad he isn't alive... to see his efforts being so joyfully thrown down the drains by the idiots that surround us.

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    1. Hahahaha...the poor guy is trying so hard to appear earnest, yet we continue ridiculing him.

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  13. You at your wittiest best! :)

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  14. How can one resist reading a post called "Modi's greatest erection"? And the references to Tom Cruise, the bird-brains who want to crap on us from great heights, the shoulder that pilots can use to cry on, and the smart subtle reference to a particular behenjee at the end, this post contained too many of these wonderful nuggets which I cannot compress into one single comment.

    Suffice to say that I almost injured by diaphragm by lauging out so much while reading this post.

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    1. Oops! that sounds serious.

      And thank you so much. Satire can be tricky and I don't always get it right,

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  15. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  16. Excellent post. This statue is indeed a very bad idea especially if it sets of a precedent for more such statues. These kind of gimmicks makes one seriously reconsider the suitability of Modi for prime minister.

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    1. I couldn't agree more! The thought of giant statues of the Gandhi family dotting Delhi is terrifying.

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  17. "erection"? Purba,Sardar must be turning in his grave.
    I only wish,present day active Netas read this post

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    1. Sir, if they read my post, I'll be made to clean the statue's feet for the rest of my life.

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  18. It is an age old malaise with every (unsuccessful) transformation step. People don't see the change, they see the person responsible for change. When he's gone, they'll discuss how things were when he was around, and build statues in his beloved (belabored) memory and then allow him to fade, like his statue. Things won't change much as our habits die hard, this habit to deny every bitter pill which could cure us. It is like, "Tomorrow might be raining, but tonight we have the stars!"

    A beautiful read Purba.

    Regards,
    Blasphemous Aesthete

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    1. Who knows how he will go down in History - as the butcher of Gujarat or the man who transformed the state and then the country.

      And thanks, Anshul :-)

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    2. Err, I was talking about Sardar Patel. I love to discuss history, primarily because it has happened, it is under control now.
      Regarding the sculptor, this time, he is a shrewd politician and I am afraid we need shrewd politicians.

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  19. Loved this mockery of the Banana Republic we have become. Erecting statues seems to be more important than feeding the poor. India is, nothing but an Irony come true.

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    1. Bananas, AAMs...we are becoming a nation of fruitheads.

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  20. Working for Modi sarkar, your post has put me in a fix. To laugh or not to laugh :P Bt i did, and boy, I did laugh.. Amazing :D

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    1. Sorry for the politically incorrect laughter :p

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  21. well men love spending for erections!!!
    this is one classic example :P

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    1. The older they get, the more desperate they become :p

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  22. Haaaw! You are using such bad bad words in your post titles! What are they teaching you in Australia? Where is Alok "Babuji" Nath when you need him?
    Do you still use the Kabootar Short Messaging Service? Are you producing "Mission Impossible Cche"? Will they serve Chinese Thepla and Khakhra Tacos in that Hotel?
    P.S. I hope your pigeon wins.

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    Replies
    1. 1. Why are you up so late?

      2. Wait till I tell your Mom.

      3. My pigeon strongest.

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  23. And the "great erection" unites us and makes us super power. Bow to us you earthlings!


    Psst... great post ;)

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  24. The statue, when thought about initially, must not have been an idea as bad as it looks today when such discussions often break into our thoughts whether anything we are doing is really right. The decisions, in my view, when taken, are not right or wrong - but the rightfulness of it is highly defined by the aftermath. Though your post brings smiles to me, I would not agree with you completely on this.

    Hope I am excused :)

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    1. Hey! everyone is free to do what they like as long as it's with their money. Use 2500 crores of public money and there will be as many opinions and discussions :-)



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  25. So now we are all set to prove who can waste the hard earned money of the citizens in a cunning, faster and a smarter way. If only these people stopped trying to outdo others and carry on diligently with their jobs..

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    1. The 56 inch chest needs mammoth projects like these to boost its ego.

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  26. I think it's wonderful that politicians still love playing that childhood game of 'statue' tho on a bigger scale. I foresee a future full of giant statues. DMK will want one in Chennai (along with Periyer water), probably one of MGR and another of Karunanidhi or Jayalalitha (or both). Maharashtra will want one of Shivaji and a few additional ones of Babasahib and Balasahib. Bengal needs Netaji and probably some Mohan Bagan legend world famous in Bengal. Western UP cries out for Chaudhary Charan Singh while the Congress party will fit in an order for Nehru, Indira and Rajeev (Pappu will have to wait). Damn it I could fill pages of regional, cultural and linguistic aspirations on this topic. Every child will dream of growing up and being immortalised as a statue, we will truly be a nation of giants.

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    1. A giant superpower whose people have to fight for even the basic amenities.

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  27. Great post!
    Biggest erection!!
    I think you should be called The Bold lady of India and also, Funny lady of India.
    But no statues, mind you.


    The post was littered with gems.
    But my favorite was the royal family and the sour grapes.

    And then I saw in the comment,
    One man's statue is another bird's shitpot.
    I liked it the best. It is so funny,because it is so true.

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    1. Great men and women should be allowed to RIP after they die. It's a terrible shame when they are used to settle scores between political adversaries.

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  28. Even in tokenism there should be some logic.
    Too much to expect?

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    Replies
    1. We gave up expecting long time, no?

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