Monday, February 10, 2014

A Beginner’s Guide to Avoiding the Living and the Non-Fictional



If the prospect of dealing with people stresses you out, I suggest you read Ms. Tee's helpful pointers on how to avoid all human contact. I am her Mom and know it works like magic.

Presenting Trisha Ray's guidelines on how to avoid the living and the Non-Fictional. 


Courtesy - Google images
 

You may have been led to believe that humans are social beings. Smiling at passersby, holding doors open for people behind you, making small-talk with others standing with you at the queue for the ATM while the elderly gent inside struggles with the complications of this goddamn modern technology: all these are valuable social skills. But from time to time you will come across situations which require a very different skill set. Un-social skills are more important than you think. You can thank me later, when what I impart saves your puny, outgoing hide.

1. The (Serial) Killer Smile

The first and foremost skill in the arsenal of any aspiring anti-social is a smile made to kill. Literally. This little move can take years to master, especially if you’re (sickeningly) sunshine-y.

First- conjure up a normal smile (ironically, for a natural anti-social, this is cyanide). Now think of the worst thing that has ever happened to you: the missed promotion, the neighbour who steals your newspaper, the dead family pet, the un-dead family pet. Now feel that smile slowly begin to warp. Stop as soon as you think you’ve achieved the optimum level of “I may be thinking of rainbows and beaches, but I might also be planning to murder you and feed you to my pet Chihuahua”.

Congratulations. You have successfully driven a person to the brink of a psychological breakdown!

A word of warning: you may want to remove yourself from the vicinity of your target soon after pulling this move, since there is always a risk you might get arrested.

2. The Headphone Manoeuvre

Any good anti-social has a pair of headphones in easily-accessible places wherever he/she goes. If you see that chick from work who insists on calling you in the middle of your Hitchcock marathon to moan about her boy problems, quickly turn around, put on your headphones and turn up the volume. Stare steadily into the distance and bob your head slowly. Eventually, you will attain a mental state of complete blissful ignorance. The skill set required for this is not that different from meditation. In fact, I wager that the early ascetics were in fact professional anti-socials, avoiding friends complaining about relationship problems.

You’ll eventually get so good at this that you won’t even require a device attached to the other end of your headphones. If you keep practising, you might not even require the headphones. Avoid muttering lyrics though. Mental asylums are fun and all, but they don’t have Wi-Fi.


3. The “I’m Either Sleeping or Dead, But You Really Shouldn’t Risk Checking”

This is one step up from the Headphone Manoeuvre and can even be used in conjunction with it, for situations where your adversary is particularly virulent. Find the nearest flat surface or seating area. Lie down or slouch over the seat. Close your eyes and be careful to control that annoying eye twitch that crops up when you pretend to sleep. Let your limbs go loose. Drool a little if you have to. You need to carefully tread that border between life and apparent death. If you’re successful, your target will be unsure of how to react- not willing to disturb your deep slumber, since you seem shit tired; not willing to approach a dead body, wanting to avoid involvement in a murder investigation.

4. The Side-Step Tango and the Duck-and-Hide

Anti-socials are unjustly perceived to be couch-potatoes with next to nothing by way of physical capability. This is pure hogwash.

When cornered, an anti-social can execute complex, rapid and graceful manoeuvres that can give a gymnast a complex. When encountering a large crowd, the anti-social can in a split second calculate the path of least resistance and in the next second, can pass through said crowd with next to no one noticing.

Aside from getting out of awkward parties, this move is useful in settings such as the crowded train coach, crowds outside polling booths and anti-corruption riots.

5. The Phantom Social Gathering

Before you start envisioning a supernatural soiree, let me clarify. Say you run into your pet stalker. You really don’t want to risk interaction, but he/she has been in your life for so long that you don’t want to hurt his/her creepy feelings either (Maybe you’re just that nice. Or possibly because you might wake up to a photograph of yourself with a knife through it.)

Immediately cite a social gathering you need to be at. For this to work on the tenacious, you need to have a backup person willing to call you at a moment’s notice. If you don’t have any friends, (and then hello to you, soul mate) your mum or your parole officer will have to do.


Master these 5 moves, and you might convincingly pass for an anti-social person to the untrained eye. If you’re really, really good, I might find you and offer you a lifetime membership to the Royal Society for the Protection and Care of Anti-Socials (RSPCA). Activities include staring at the walls (which are plastered with interesting trivia), ODI Charades (on account of both sides trying to communicate without words) and Semi-Awkward Parties.

Mazeltov!


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53 comments:

  1. I must confess that I have tried the Headphone Manoeuvre many times (with actually no music playing)
    All said and done Chivalry is not dead (and that goes for both male and female)

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    1. Yes, yes, nothing wrong with being courteous. But desperate times often call for desperate measures.

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  2. Oh my God! I think I am in love! <3 <3 <3
    But you forgot a few - The Death Stare that makes the other people shit themselves. The talking while not really looking at them, so they are always baffles them, whether you are addressing them or some imaginary/invisible being. The the hint of smile that leaves them confused about your intentions. The fake sarcastic laughter and finally the "Shut up/Fuck off" without looking at them while you keep drinking or smoking or both.
    I would join your merry group but............

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    1. Dear God, Snow. There's un-social and then there's sociopathic. I don't hate people per se, I just really like being tucked away in a corner.

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  3. Cool ones. I already practice some of these. Good to see humor runs in your family.

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    1. Keep it up! Yes, the Rays' sarcy humour is something to behold :D

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  4. Guilty of trying the head phone trick at work often :-P

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    1. Here's a tip- Bigger the headphones= fewer interruptions. Go for Beats or Skull Candy (nothing says 'Don't talk to me' like Skull Candy)

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  5. Lol even though I would like to practise all of these I think it will stay in my To-do list ! Lovely and apt list u have there ! Enjoyed the read!

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    1. Tch tch. I see you are a sunshine-y people person.

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  6. Nice to see that the humor genes (or jeans, as the case may be) have passed on to the next generation in abundance as well.

    Nice post :)

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    1. They certainly have (though my mum often nicks my jeans).

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  7. I thought Headphones were the coolest one. But then, here I got so many others! Will give them all a try asap! ;) Wonderfully written, Trisha! :)

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    1. Fantastic! I'll get to work on that RSPCA badge.

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  8. Ha! A chip off the (am I allowed to say 'old' here without getting lynched?) block! :) Btw, I am the MASTER of the sixth. I have successfully marketed myself as the chap, to avoid whom others practice one or all of these five maneuvers :) THAT, I must say with all due modesty, is the pinnacle of anti-social behavior :)

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    1. *puts on headphones*
      No worries, I've used the O-word as well (when I compared my mum to a vampire :P)

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  9. I wrote a long comment and the net swallowed it. I already practice the headphones one. I must try the smile. I have to!

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    1. My condolences. I've often tried the (Serial) Killer Smile on my wi-fi router T-T
      Remember: perfect balance between rainbows and murder.

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  10. Headphones ...and DUCK n Hide...are my favourite!!!!
    Ahh life of an antisocial being has its risks!

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    Replies
    1. Risks AND perks. Don't forget the perks.

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  11. Razor sharp wit Ms Tee. Headphones seem to be very popular here. I have to try them.

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    1. Yep- it's the first step for an initiate. Go forth and prosper.

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  12. Trisha you are a genius-what a post!

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    1. Thank you :) I'd like to thank my parents for finally accepting my un-sociablity and for tolerating my sullen teenage years :P

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  13. I do the "Either sleeping or dead trick" everyday while i travel through metro...it's hard to look at so many faces who are standing and I feel really uncomfortable. So, that the best thing to do. :P

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    1. Also a good way to not have to budge from your seat when someone tries to fit in that one-inch gap.

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  14. Another one which I have perfected is pretending to be as if I were somewhere else..golden words, Purba..

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Saket, this is a guest post by Trisha Ray.

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  15. Okay, I look socially unapproachable, so, in a way, I'm cool :D

    BTW, what if you are trying to rid yourself of a nagging girlfriend, or boyfriend? What if they go to the heights of mouth to mouth resuscitation to bring you back out of your pretended snow white slumber?
    And wait, to have that backup person, you are actually defying the being un-social rule by making exceptions.

    Very interesting post!

    Cheers,
    Blasphemous Aesthete

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Some people are blessed.
      If you pair Move 3 with a glassy-eyed stare and halitosis, that should do the trick.
      Maa ka pyaar knows no bounds.No matter how unsocial you are, your mum will always help you out of a tight spot.

      Cheers! *hic*

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  16. Great classifications :) Apt descriptions! :)

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  17. Enjoyed reading this one so much!

    I don't know if I am anti-social. But I definitely hate some people..well most of them.
    I interact with limited number of people, whom I happen to love dearly.. I sometimes feel it's bad to be like this. But, the people I meet out there are full of shit. I am not sure if I am bad at figuring out who's good or bad, or is it just my bad luck that I always run into wrong people, due to which I ended up being like this..

    But the 2nd tip, the earphones, it's definitely for me! I have them on like 7-8 hours daily!

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    1. Diagnosis- Not anti-social. I convinced myself long ago that it isn't necessary to like everyone. But I get what you're saying. I blame the high standards of friendship and love set by works of fiction :/

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  18. Purba, she is good as u know obviously. Gud fun to read this. Manisha

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  19. Purba, she is good as u know obviously. Gud fun to read this. Manisha

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  20. That's a perfect collection of the types I have only hinted at in my latest post, Trisha. We have a saying in Tamil that goes, 'If the tigress leaps 10 feet, the cub leaps 16.' It applies here -- the Bengal tigress and her cub :)

    The headphone types, especially the young ones have put me off on trains while occupying the lower berth and refusing to look/acknowledge older and those obviously disabled people who have been allotted the upper berth and who are begging them for a change of berths.

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    Replies
    1. Well, there's being un-social and then there's plain rude. It's a fine balance.

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  21. That's a delightful read, Tee! When are you starting your own blog, btw? I must sheepishly admit that I've practiced 2, 4 and 5 when I wanted to get away from the pesky types. I have also practiced the far-away-haven't-seen-you look that expertly ignores a pest waving in my direction! Thoroughly enjoyed the read.

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    1. Thanks :) I'm too lazy to maintain a blog :P

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  22. Great reading you Ms.Tee! Purba, your daughter is as Awesome as You :D

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  23. One more i follow is 'pretend u have suddenly become hearing impaired ' :)

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    1. Doesn't actually work long-term since you're technically conversing with the person :P

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  24. The headphone trick is probably common but people still fall for it. I do that too :-)

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    1. The comment section of this post just proves that point :D

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  26. Hmmm... haven't tried any of them. Come to think of it, does it make me fall on the other side of the fence?! Infact I like observing the idiosyncrasies of people... :P

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    1. There are all kinds of people :) I would advise you to note all these pointers down, just in case.

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  27. Headphone walla is classic and it's something I normally do. I keep a book for company and gotta try your daughter's other tricks..Never tried sleeping walla or should I just speak to myself, perfect recipe, for people running away from me:) Purba, now u shd urge Trisha to compete with you and guess the combo makes for hilarious posts.
    Cheerz

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    1. We're always competing in a way :P Though I make her read everything a write, and she does too :D

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