Saturday, February 1, 2014

Divine Powers of Brahood


Love is like a paintbrush that adds colour to the canvas of our lives. It is that elusive emotion that makes us bloom like a flower, hum like a bee even when stuck in a traffic snarl, oblivious to the chaos and skanky people with no civic sense. You circle around the object of your affection like a love-sick satellite, waiting to melt like Cadbury’s Silk in heat at the very sight of him.

Here lies the catch. How do you find out if he’s the one your soul has been waiting for to call him its mate! Do you fall in love with the first guy who’s struck by your beauty and brains, and find out many expensive dates later what a complete asshole he is? How many frogs must you kiss before you find your Prince! I mean, how many heartbreaks can your poor heart take!

When it comes sifting out true love from the chaff, your inner voices are not too helpful and have the uncanny ability to confuse you further. And your friends are all jealous bitches who love annoying you with their “there’s more to life than men” philosophy.

So, what does a girl do? Does she say no to love and starts scouring for a life-mate at Shaadi.com!

They say a girl’s distress calls never go answered. So what, if it’s a company in far off Japan that has finally come up with a solution that every girl has been waiting for– a bra that unhooks itself but only at the sight of true love. Finally a brassiere that understands your true feelings. 


Image Courtesy - akihabaranews.com




Isn’t it lovely that you no longer have to rely on logic and sense and can trust your bra completely to think on your behalf! A prudent undergarment resistant to lust and will reveal hidden treasures only when your heartbeat exceeds the “true love rate”. A chastity shield that protects you from one night flings, rebound sex and frogs pretending to be Royalty.

Of course, it could be a tad inconvenient if your heart is racing faster than a horse before a business presentation and your dear bra decides to unhook itself before a gaping audience. Or an extremely nervous you is meeting his parents for the first time, and voila, your twins burst open because your smart bra is thinks it’s time you opened up to them.

But these are just meanderings of my fertile imagination. The makers are insisting that the bra will be clever enough to distinguish between activities as diverse as jogging and flirting, where a woman's requirements of her bra are quite distinct.

What I want to know is, if we can protect our modesty with unhookable cups, why not go down a bit further and give us password protected panties. Or even better, panties that start wailing bhaiya the moment it senses danger.

Now that it has been made amply clear that it’s women who are responsible for getting raped, it becomes our duty to reform if not deform rapists. Since our Police is busy protecting VIPs, why bother them with our trivial problems. So, why not a secure undergarment that clamps itself shut to deter innocent men blinded by lust. Or better still, a chaddi for men that protects them from those dirty, unmentionable thoughts when they spot a woman on a lonely stretch! An underwear that starts playing Anup Jalota Bhajans to calm his overexcited brain or squeezes the blood out of his testicular orbs. This is the least we can do to protect men from wicked women trying tempt them with terror stricken eyes and repulsion.

If Ravijour, a lingerie company can design a bra to keep us chaste, surely some genius can design an underwear that can keep us safe!

Now that Rahul Gandhi has made it clear how much he cares for women empowerment by repeating this word 106 times in his interview with Arnab Goswami, I’m sure he’ll come up with a Dadi Gandhi Chaddi Yojana for women of India.

After all, women need to feel empowered before they can start searching for true love, no? 




Top post on IndiBlogger.in, the community of Indian Bloggers


78 comments:

  1. Hmm! Add a pair of trousers that will scream that the wearer has not worn his chaddis on that day :) I mean, what is the point in having those oh-so-lovely undies if all that the man has to do os to avoid wearing them. And, after all, he can claim that it was the thought of all those terror-stricken and repelling women who caused him to forget donning his undies :) Failing that, there will always be someone who will say that it is too harsh a punishment for 'just' forgetfulness.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Trust a man to point out the loopholes! Who the hell goes out of the house without wearing the essentials unless you're the Emperor with no clothes but plenty of flattery.

      Delete
  2. Nice one Purba. Here is some info that is relevant to your topic - http://www.lovelyish.com/2013/04/04/indian-students-create-shocking-lingerie-for-the-protection-of-women/

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It is worth marketing. God knows how much we need this.

      Delete
  3. Lol. This reminds be of a friends episode, where Joey takes one look at a woman, and her shirt buttons pop open.

    This can be one way for RG to empower the women of this country.
    - Pzes

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The power of thoughts! I wish my thoughts were powerful enough make a cup of frothing coffee come flying to me.

      Delete
  4. We can institute an award like 'Chaddi Ratna' for designing 'Chastity panties. He will be nominated for Nobel Peace Prize

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hahahahaha! Wish I had thought of this.

      Delete
  5. I am sure I have seen at least two instances of the fabled chastity chaddi, once in 'The Love Guru' and the other in 'Meet the Spartans'. Why has no one taken those ideas seriously, it would be so helpful to the society! Of course the women would feel empowered if the belt was on men and their women held the keys. But then, what about single men, mothers? Nah!

    Nice read!

    Cheers,
    Blasphemous Aesthete

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Stop thinking of what could go wrong. Focus on the brilliance of this idea!

      Delete
  6. An underwear that starts playing Anup Jalota Bhajans to calm his overexcited brain or squeezes the blood out of his testicular orbs. This is the least we can do to protect men from wicked women trying tempt them with terror stricken eyes and repulsion. ...
    Anup Jalota's manboobs must be in a tizzy, since his career will get resurrected and Congress will have a new slogan "India Singing"

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If this is the only way to calm our libidinous men down, so be it.

      Delete
  7. Am all for Dadi Gandi Chaddi Yojana. Good one.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Your support is much appreciated.

      Delete
  8. Sansakari undergarments by AlokNath and Sons, tax exempted by Rahul ji. And free chastity belts by NCP.
    :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Damn! why didn't I think of that.

      Sankari undergarments is a killer idea, Alka.

      Delete
  9. Given the uncontrollable urges that Indian men have shown in recent times (at least the reported incidents), my guess is that Indian men will switch to the humble loin cloth (langot, komanam) to prevent all these hi-tech underwear to deprive them of their lustful adventures...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Men who wear chastity chaddis will be given special privileges like out of turn promotions, women vying for their attention and a respectable reputation.

      Delete
  10. Hilarious! An underwear that sings Anup Jalota songs! Seriously this is what we need now.. probably the most sensible thing to happen given how idiotic our politicians behave... Witty stuff Purba!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Given the growing instances of sexual assaults in our country, it's time someone took such ideas seriously :/

      Delete
  11. That was a voyeuristic post a precursor to Valentine Day not too far! Purba, you could be an advisor to a lingerie company for futuristic designs:)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I actually wanted to save it as a Valentine's Day post but then impatience got the better of me.

      Delete
  12. Ha Ha! That was a fun read with your usual brand of satire.

    ReplyDelete
  13. This is perfect :) Couldn't be any better!

    ReplyDelete
  14. Seriously they have designed something like that??? God!! My imagination also is running wild about where it can go wrong!! They should design some chastity underwear that identifies rape and sends taser shots into those men!! Hmm!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I did suggest that in my post :-)

      Delete
  15. Trust the Japs to come up with this original idea. And the Koreans to improve upon it!
    I am sure when Hyundai and LG expand into the chaddi-baniyan business, all your suggestions (that they have duly noted!) will be incorporated.
    Be sure to demand a cut in the profits they make selling Jalota Jangheeye!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I have already thought of a tagline - You have to be a MARD to wear a JJ.

      Delete
  16. You know they keep designing such stuff every season but there's not much to them....they are not practical...either they are too expensive or they have flaws, as you mentioned (unhooking itself during business presentations, ityaadi), usually both.
    In India, even if a genius does come up with such innovative designs (there's no dearth of intelligent IITs, mind you. Just that they are more into Rupa books than Rupa baniyaans at the moment), political parties and our judiciary system will leap into the fray and only news channels wll profit from them.... so a wishful thinking there

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Still laughing at - they are more into Rupa books than Rupa baniyaans at the moment.

      Delete
  17. LOL.. I was laughing like crazy at the business presentation - bra unhooking part :D OMG as I am in office reading this, I could easily connect to that situation ...lol ! Brilliant piece!

    ReplyDelete
  18. Pretty complicated technology. What happens if a gal doesnt love herself anymore? Will she be forced to have a bath with her bra on?

    ReplyDelete
  19. Dadi Gandhi Chaddi Yojana!! haha this is superb!

    ReplyDelete
  20. Bang on! when I got to know about this new invention the same thought ran into my mind, it would be helpful for women across the globe if more than smart bra, smart panties can be designed to tell people that women do not want 'unwanted sex', especially in India!
    I truly enjoyed the sarcasm and humor in the post! Thumbs Up!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's more of a publicity gimmick for the company. But who cares, as long as we extract our laughs from it :p

      Delete
  21. "An underwear that starts playing Anup Jalota Bhajans to calm his overexcited brain or squeezes the blood out of his testicular orbs."

    I almost fell off my chair laughing and rolling. :-D A perfect mix of humor and sarcasm! Who else could have penned it down other than you Purba? Loved it. :-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, Rekha. It's so much fun writing posts like these.

      Delete
  22. Could be delight for many with some unexpected unhooking !!

    ReplyDelete
  23. An underwear that starts playing Anup Jalota Bhajans to calm his overexcited brain or squeezes the blood out of his testicular orbs. This is the least we can do to protect men from wicked women trying tempt them with terror stricken eyes and repulsion.

    Anup Jalota will start demanding royalty for his bhajans being put to good use . LOL.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Like Rickie suggested, Jalote Jangiye for the excitable male :D

      Delete
  24. Well, those wailing and singing undies would definitely take the load off our police force who are busy protecting the VIPs, cleaning their shoes or scouring for lost VIP buffaloes! Thank you very much Purba for this post and now I shall take your leave and spend some time letting my imagination go wild with all kinds of improvisations to this wonderful invention!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Nooo...you can't do that. I want read what you imagined :p

      Delete
  25. "An underwear that sings Anup Jalota songs! "..lol..

    enjoyed it a lot..your usual sarcastic and witty manner ..

    ReplyDelete
  26. Purba ji,why stop at Bra.?....The list of such " Tricky" fits is too long and could even be self destructive.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Guffaws. What an idea, sir jee.

      Delete
  27. Hallelujah! A post that only Purba could have written. You have extracted the last possible ounce of juice -the Higgs Boson- out of that bra. Do apply for a patent for the brilliant idea of passwords for the panties, although I can't help but imagine a situation where the user forgets the password at desperate moments...

    Thank you for the laughter.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I hope the laughter was for the right reasons :-)

      Delete
  28. ANUP JALOTA BHAJANS....Hhahahahahahahahhahahaha
    I forgot what I wanted to comment. hahahahahahahahha

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anup Jalota Bhajans can decimate even the tallest of mountains :p

      Delete
  29. Oh my God! but we can totally trust the Japanese for coming up with something like this... imagine if the bra malfunctions and unclasps at the slightest touch of a man ....

    and what an idea Madam ji with the whole range of innovation in chaddis :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think Chastity Chaddis is a better idea. Lux Cozy should start working on it.

      Delete
  30. Wait.. let me laugh out loud first........... okay I'm still laughing ... Anup Jalota Bhajaans.. Oh my! LMAO...somebody stop me...........

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. What's so funny about Jalota jee bhajans :p

      Delete
  31. Ok, I'm still laughing. Brilliant piece Purba. Coincidentally I was reading about this article a few days ago, and was wondering how long before someone wrote about it. And you did not disappoint.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You should have seen their demo video. It was way funnier than my write-up :D

      Delete
  32. OMG! I am so glad I found your blog! I thought with the society that still throws the burden of all that goes wrong with her on the woman herself and wants to lock her inside the house after whatsoever:00 PM and an the feet of her husband and in laws, we would never reach the day where we will be able to discuss our bras in the open! Hail Woman's freedom and a little bit of sense of humour!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey! it's up to us how much shit we are willing to put up with. Freedom to do what we want and say what we want is a choice we get to make.

      Delete
  33. It was funny and brilliant as always.....but what newspapers do you read?
    P.S. Anup Jalota is so last decade. You should have used Alok Nath somewhere.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I spoke against the trend trashing Sanskari Alok Nath jee :/ Most of the jokes were in such poor taste.

      Delete
  34. Purba,

    Visiting after a real long long time for reason you know well. Found it such an hilarious dig at the lengths we go for inventions. Will try to catch up with pending posts a s a I can.

    Take care

    ReplyDelete
  35. You know sometimes I get lost between reality and fantasy in your wild imagination. You should patent your chaddis idea :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes...yes...anything for women's safety!

      Delete
  36. Hats off to your fabulously funny imagination, Purba. Loved every line of this.

    ReplyDelete
  37. Hilarious..hats off to your sense of humour... a Dadi Gandhi Chaddi Yojana ....need of the hour :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'll approach Diggi Chacha with this idea. Maybe he can help.

      Delete
  38. Trust the Japanese to come up with the sickest sexual manipulations...be it toon porn or rape video games or reality shows and now this!
    It must have taken a great deal to see humor in this weird news! I liked how you drew us from Japan to Delhi rapes seamlessly..

    ReplyDelete
  39. I think it's more of a publicity gimmick for the company. No sane woman will purchase lingerie that unhooks at the sight of true love!

    ReplyDelete

Psst... let me know what you are thinking.

LinkWithin

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...