Wednesday, February 5, 2014

Your End is Near, my Dear

The Mayans were wrong. The dark, menacing cloud of apocalypse did not dissipate. It still hovers over our heads and is waiting for 2017 to come crashing down.

It will be the most memorable year of our afterlife. A year that will see the demise of the stand-up comic, poet extraordinaire, cook, diva, avid photographer, in us. The lone soul who tirelessly spread cheer by sharing BBM jokes and motivated friends and frenemies with quotes will say bye-bye and never come back. It will be a slow, painful death. What can you expect when you’ll have no one to share your ‘feeling blessed/mad/bad/sad’ updates with! Hundreds of friends who you painfully collected and nurtured over the years with likes and superlikes, the sole purpose behind your album, Random Clicks, Vacationing in Goa – Part I, II,I II and IV - all gone with one masterstroke.

Of what use will be those selfies you click, standing in front of the mirror, hair carelessly falling over your cheek, head tilted at a 45 degree angle.

Click 1 – OMG! I look so fat.

Click 2 – Yikes! My nose looks like Mt. Vesuvius.

Click 3 – ARE THOSE WRINKLES?

Click 45 – Phew, finally a pic that does justice to my beauty.

The 129 likes, Ooh you hottieMadem your becoming younger with age, comments were worth the nagging pain you now have in your shoulder, pointing your arm to the ceiling for over 30 minutes to get that perfect shot. The thought of taking a vacation will become unbearable, now that you’ll have no one but your hapless relatives and friends to show those awesome clicks of you standing in front of every shrub, monument and mall in Bangkok.

Why should I party, if I can’t show my virtual friends that I’m not a pathetic soul who spends all day on Facebook but manage to have a rocking time in real life!

Those morons from Princeton are claiming that Facebook will fade out and die by 2017, just like the bubonic plague. The social network’s popularity that spread like an infectious disease over the years will see a downslide, because we’re slowly becoming immune to its charms.

 
Image Courtesy - berkunair.com


It is also being claimed that teens don’t find FB cool anymore and are migrating to Twitter, Instagram and WhatsApp. Ironically, it’s the parents who couldn’t stop bemoaning their teen’s addiction to this platform are the ones pushing them away by sending them friend requests and putting them off with their new-found devotion to Facebook.

Bro, it’s so not cool to see your Mom pout. 



Agreed, Facebook now resembles a Sooraj Barjatiya set with our relatives and their relatives having made an appearance in our friends list. It starts with you accepting an innocuous friend request from an Aunt and sooner than you can say ‘hum saath saath hai’ your cousin’s Mama’s chachee’s brother is commenting on your post ‘why women should have more sex’! It gets even more awkward when you discover your Dad’s “you look great” remark on a friend’s pic, flaunting her brand new figure in her brand new dress!

Trying hard to avoid your husband’s ‘I told you so’ look, you quickly get into damage control mode and put all your relatives in the restricted list and pray that they don’t read this post.

But Facebook is no bubonic plague. It’s our true soulmate that has seen us through our phases of distress and jubilation. Can you imagine the anguish of spending your birthday and anniversaries alone with just your family for company! With no one to tell how much your husband of 7 years means to you, with no one to brag about your daughter’s fantastic examination scores – life will become drab and boring, just like reality. We’ll have to go back to the drab ole days of having to rely on our memory to remember special occasions and make the effort of picking up the phone to wish our friends.

What will happen to the 1.1 billion displaced Facebook users, left with no excuse to waste time and no one to applaud their achievements! Our lives will be bereft of purpose when we’ll no longer be able to save deformed babies, rescue battered women, prevent cancer, stop corruption and massage our conscience, simply by clicking the like button. We’ll be moving around like zombies, with a vacant look, holding our profile pictures, poetry, Sai Baba blessings, stopping passers-by and begging for their likes.

Imagine your distress, when you’ll discover that it was Facebook and not you that was responsible for your spouse’s happiness! No words can express the smug satisfaction we get when a bald headed man from Croatia propositions us with “Hello, I like your sweet beautiful postures… It's really wonderful lady, seems like your a warm hearted woman? I think we will make a great relationship”. Or when you wake up to “how so sweet look” from a lovelorn Dev Khaana from Ambala.

No Candy Crush requests, no invites to try birthdays! Surely, our future can’t get darker than this?

Have I managed to freak you out? Good. Now I can come to the part when I start pacifying.

Facebook, true to its nature, has allayed our fears of its imminent destruction. They have assured us that with only half its current enrolment by 2018, and no students at all by 2021, it’s not them but Princeton that’ll shutdown.

Obviously, with so many pictures to share and stare at, so many cat videos to laugh at and so many causes to support and like, who has time for education. And who needs Princeton, when we have University of Twitter, Facebook and Instagram to get our Bachelors in Time-pass and Masters in Narcissism from!

And hey, if Facocalypse does happen, we can always migrate to greener pastures and become addicted to the fresh new taste of its grass.

Remember what happened when Orkut started resembling Jhumritaliya?


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77 comments:

  1. Ah! Now the prophecies of FB demise as if we have not enough of Mayans, Meteor Strikes et al! Come what may... keep writing this hilarious stuff , Purba:)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Believe it or not Rahul - all good things do come to an end.

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  2. Now you just answered why I still click that "OTHER MESSAGES" option in the messages section to read all the "Hey beauty sweety we you cen befrunds" or the "You lovely eyes my heart love". The innocent happiness that I derive from them. I am so shallow :(

    I should go to the bathroom and weep now!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I used to delete such messages. Not anymore. Now you know why :D

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  3. I was thinking the same when I read this bit about teens not finding FB cool. Mommies and aunties have taken over.
    As for me, there was a time when take 2 was acceptable but now take 156 is not able to hide those lines. Sigh! Close ups are a big NO.

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    Replies
    1. Mwah<2 Alka. You are one of the unusual specimens that refrains from preening.

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  4. I am sure nobody will remember my birthday if FB closes down :) But I so agree, having those aunties and uncles on FB is such a pain.. and you know what is worse? having the father in law on your friend's list :(

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Seeta, I removed my birthday from my FB profile and I got messages only from friends who cared to remember. Believe me, it's not that bad.

      Psst..put your FIL in the restricted list.

      Delete
  5. Aha! An FB obituary on the way.. I don't know but the people certainly have started behaving in two extremes- either praising too much or using rude words at the drop of a hat...

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    1. Babe, I'm willing to follow you on any damn social platform just to see your backless choli pics ;-)

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  6. Yep, FB is passe! Our kids have moved on. It is only left for the aunties and uncles *sob sob*. Most of my friends have stopped coming on FB. I tell you, it is only the bloggers who are keeping it alive and some lovely groups, else doomsday is near! I am most worried about having my son onboard. I think in a few years' time, he will unfriend me :/.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think we have a fantastic group on FB - the discussions we have keep me energized.

      As for your son, just make sure you don't click like or comment on any of his posts and you'll be safe.

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  7. Facocalypse? I need anti-depressants. :(

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    Replies
    1. Arre, you'll find a hotter toy boy!

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  8. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  9. You sure are under estimating Princeton University research. One must remember that it's a Princeton study that found that "Poverty and its related stresses puts such a burden on people’s mental state that they have less brainpower to deal with other aspects of life" which was proven multiple times later with Mayawati, Lalu being re-elected etc. My take is abandon FB and move to Gujarat asap.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. But...but...Gujarat is coming to Delhi, no? So, why bother!

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  10. FB has changed the way we live. I have no idea what will come after this which will be so big and so awesome. But I'm sure LV and Audi sales have gone up after FB was invented. Ah, the pathetic downside!

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    Replies
    1. And I suspect, people have started partying more and going on vacations, just so that they have enough pictures to share on Facebook.

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  11. I do not think anyone below the age of 25 exist in FB anymore. Its the oldies hang out spot now, desperately trying to look cool. By the time Facocalypse nears, there will be something else that will hold on to our attention, that we would not even notice the demise of FB. Just like when Orkut was sent to Jhumrithalaiya and no one noticed.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. There's always a next best thing waiting around the corner, waiting to grab our attention.

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  12. You always make my stomach wrench with laugh as I step into here! Fabulous and super hilarious! :D

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hehehe...delighted that you liked.

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  13. Superlike! Half-way through the post, I was really worried about life without Facebook :P

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    Replies
    1. Arre! we are survivors. We'll find something else to get addicted to.

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  14. Yeah Orkut was replaced just as quickly as it was accepted. Loved your post. My husband is on the verge of putting me in habilitation :)

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    Replies
    1. A lot depends on the kind of friends you have on Facebook. Some of us have such a lively circle and discussions - logging in becomes a habit.

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  15. Hahaha.. Yeah! all my relatives are in restricted zone in FB.. Enjoyed the post..

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  16. Natural phenomenon, I'd say. People get tired of old things and look for new experiences.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Social platforms like these bring out our best and the worst.

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  17. LOL! Very succinctly and humorously written post. We are all FB people now, leading double lives and ending up as schizophrenics - one real and one FB person.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Absolutely, with many of us trying to project ourselves as someone we are not in real life.

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  18. eeeks..someone was scaring some people :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Eeeks! I'm just preparing you for the future.

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  19. FB = Soorja Barjatya Film indeed :)
    I can proudly state that I haven't logged on to FB for 2.5 years now! Migrated to Twitter :)
    I guess newer Apps & technology will catch the fancy in the future...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Even I'm pretty active on Twitter but enjoy my interactions with friends on Facebook.

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  20. It is funny that I be reminded of Casanova after reading this, for all other things that he was, he was Casanova first. Now, once he (like FB) and Voltaire (like Princeton) had argued over the validity of having superstitions in society. Casanova was totally in for it, for he believed that if they took superstition out of society, just like Facebook out of our smartphones, the society will need to fill it with something else, as much potent, but alluringly harmless, say, twitter, or instagram, or pinterest. So, Voltaire guffawed and said, that it is absurd, and ridiculous, because he's trying to help the society. We don't have Casanova alive today to see him being proved right so far, nor do we have Voltaire, to see defeat menacing on his FB profile everyday. Sadly, we have us, and all we can do is pray, that Facocalypse does not come. Because 'Rain rain go away, little Johny wants to play'.

    Cheers,
    Blasphemous Aesthete

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh my my - the comparisons you draw but makes sense even today.

      Like someone rightly pointed out - I hope the prediction comes true but what if it's replaced by a worse addiction!

      Delete
  21. I cannot imagine a no-fb life Purba. Yes, of late too many pesky relatives sending friend request s I agree. It's an aaal-eeez-well site anytime though. Nice post

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    Replies
    1. Don't worry - if it does come true, you'll find a newer platform to connect with friends.

      Delete
  22. FB has taken up my hours of precious life. If at all it dies, I can't have my memories back.. :D

    But, on a serious note, I do hope that it shuts down, so that we can stop wasting our time (especially those who are addicted to it).

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    Replies
    1. It's changed the way we behave. It annoys me no end to see people constantly sharing and uploading snippets from their life. Who the f*&^ wants to know what you had for lunch!

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  23. Everything must come to an end. The FB timline has become nostalgic.....this happens during the last stages of life when one begins to look back and remember what was.
    Meh! It will be a good thing to be away from most people. I hate half of them and dislike most of the rest anyway.
    Also, I always follow my social networking rule.......don't add your family or office colleagues.

    P.S. I doubt most of the selfie posters would know what Mt. Vesuvius is.

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    Replies
    1. You think we will reform if and when FB closes down? I doubt that very much! We''ll get addicted to something even more inane.

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  24. For me fb is just to find out who's where and what my friends( real ones only) are upto.
    I am not at all a social media addict. I know I may be missing out a lot of fun there but that's me.

    Yes blog is something I am really addicted to. So may be not facocalypse but blogocalypse would definitely take the life out of me. But then blogging is forever.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Excuse me! Stop saying such nice things. I might die of happiness.

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  25. Thank God that there is a sliver of hope :) Otherwise how can I go around commenting "Awesome looks" and the likes in the pics of my nieces' friends - being THAT inconvenient uncle who has become a FB friend:P

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    Replies
    1. On Facebook, you are just a few hundred likes away from pissing off friends and relatives :D

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  26. "We’ll be moving around like zombies, with a vacant look, holding our profile pictures, poetry, Sai Baba blessings, stopping passers-by and begging for their likes."

    I just visualized it.

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    Replies
    1. Hahahaha...It's a scary thought.

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  27. Everything has its pros and cons. I am one of the addicted persons to fb

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    Replies
    1. For starters, your FB friends care more about you and your achievements than most of your real life friends :/

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  28. I have never received as many msgs on my birthday as I did since my FB page was created

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    Replies
    1. It does feel good but a part of us knows that for most it's a mere formality.

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  29. Am i the only one who is not bothered by facebook's critical downslide?

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  30. Apart from all the down sides and show offs and shallow relationships and fake love, fb is still a good place for people who know how to use it. To wish someone on their birthday, wedding anniversary , to congratulate somebody, share the blog updates, and occassionally a pic or two doesnt hurt as well. But its when we overdo it that it becomes unbearable.Even if youngsters are not on fb it doesnt hurt me anymore. Because if thirty is old, I am okay with it. Because I get along better with my age group and all my friends are very much there on facebook... ! :-)

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    Replies
    1. Who would know it better than me. It's thanks to Facebook and a Facebook friend that I started blogging. Prior to that I had no idea what a blog was :-)

      Delete
  31. Loved your post. Whatever said, I love FB as it is the only authorized place where in you can peep into other's lives :p :p :p

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  32. Ab mai kya bolun? This was the funniest slap on our faces. But will this wake us up and want us to walk out of our Facutopia? I am sure it won't. Like Azam Khan's prized beauties, even if we try to leave the FB world, it will find us and bring us back.
    Such a fantastic, rib tickling piece!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Heylo! I'm part of the herd. I have self-slapped myself in this post.

      And Azam Khan jee's buffaloes are more famous than Queen Victoria. They are too busy signing endorsements to care about FB wasis.

      Delete
  33. But I had only put Goa - Part I and II? :O
    Riot. Clean bowled half the FB tribe with one stroke. Actually, more than half. Sure glad to see selfies in bathrooms escaped the hammer. I particularly like to see the colour of towels that people use. :P
    Now, I should stop laughing. I realise I'm laughing at my own self here. :D

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. *Looks shamefaced. Walks slowly into the bathroom to take a sad face selfie in her bathroom*

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  34. Hilarious Purba ! FB can be such a time waster at times ! Like I always say, behind every unfinished task is facebook !!

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    Replies
    1. Thank God, there was no Facebook when we were in school!

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  35. .. and you said you could not believe that your had received blogadda award and that too on facebook? how can you lady? and with posts such as these?
    Loved this so much..
    I am glad I am moving away from fb slowly and very slowly.. :-D

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Welcome back, my love. Hope you had an awesome holiday in India :-)

      Delete
  36. True, Purba. I am managing by having a double Facebook life. One Facebook Account for people in real life - where I have all uncles, aunties, bosses, ex-bosses whoever. And another for my blogger identity - which none of my real life acquaintances are aware of. I see them as two completely different worlds and can't even imagine them merging.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You did the smart thing. And it makes sense because you have an online moniker.

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  37. But the bigger question is - what did we do with our food before Instagram?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We are turning into a bunch of morons.

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  38. Your twisted sense of humor is awesome!

    ReplyDelete

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