Monday, March 24, 2014

Secret Diary of a Selfie Enthusiast



 
Image courtesy - socialnewsdaily.com




Whenever I get bored of staring at myself in the mirror, I point and shoot myself. With my phone, that is. My phone is my sweetie pie <3 <3 xoxoxoxo, my bestest bestie. It’s like, she’s never mean to me and super sweet, unlike those bitches who pretend to be my friends. Unlike you losers, I have a reputation to maintain for Sanju, Majnu, Rocky, Lauki and Dillu, my biggest fans. Even before I upload my pics on Instagram (Facebook is so last century, duh!), they flood comments section with so much praising like – your so hawt, waaao, *seeti seeti*, your beauty is the reason for my living etc etc, EVERY SINGLE TIME! It feels so awesome to know that I’m the sole reason for their happiness and I never ever let myself forget that. So, even when I’m sick, dying, coughing, barfing, buying a new dress or feeling sad :-( blessed, naughty and sexy(giggle giggle) – I pucker, pout, look with feeling at the shower head, tilt my head sexily and click. It’s like, I’m always discovering new sides to my popular personality by clicking selfies from different angles.

You know what, some days, I feel like Mother Teresa. Like her sexier version, spreading cheer among losers with my awesomeness. …. And if I can heal the world with my selfies, why not! I think one of these days I’ll cover my lovely head with a white and blue scarf, just like that wrinkly Teresa lady and show my kindness side to my fans and followers. I’ll use one of those cool filters and give it a saintly glow.

A picture is ways more powerful than a bunch of meaningless words, especially when it gets a thousand likes. Yea, I am selfless and I know it. 


OMG! Imagine when my teachers, Mumma and Papa see my Teresa style selfies. They’ll finally know how seriously I take myself and then they can chillax forever.
 

Nothing has lasting value but the selfie.

Mumma says, the only time my phone is away from me is when I hold it at an arm’s length to click my selfie. Whateverrr! You should have seen her getting on my nerves when we went for a vacation to Langkawi. She was soo pissed off that I didn’t take my eyes off my phone even once to soak in the beautiful sights. Ummm….I did, through my phone, all of it as background to the 233 selfies I clicked of myself.

Self-photography is my passion. What does she know!

The thing is, I’ve always been a girl with a mind of her own. You know the lone wolf types, just like Hugh Jackman in Wolverine? Why stress others when I can stress myself clicking my pix, like all the time! Mumma is worried that if the house catches fire, I might like die because I’ll be too busy clicking how distressed I am looking and uploading it. Umm...I think, for once she’s right. Why be alive if I can’t share every microsecond of my life with people I barely know?

Yea I know, I am not always this awesome. Like the time I uploaded my close-up, and that skank commented on my nostril hair and it got only 27 likes :-( I went like fucking insane refreshing my page again and again, wondering why nobody loves me anymore. Yea, I was pretty upset. Or the time I was feeling super sexy and trying to pout like Auntie Jolie and that bitch Red Handed wrote quack-quack in the comments. I cried so much that my eyes were looking like Irrfan Khan’s. So I clicked another selfie and it got 124 likes. That was such a cool way to get back at that jealous hag! Ha!


I think selfies are the best thing to have happened to humanity after Justin Bieber. My heart bleeds for dogs and cats who are deprived of this joy. So, I go around my locality clicking their pics. This is the least I can do for these poor souls.

Wherever I go, I see Uncles and Aunties and their bacchas grinning at their phones and clicking their own pics. They look so happy, Yaa! Total ignoring each others' existence. The other day, one of Mumma’s friend, Purba Aunty posted her duckface pic on FB. It was so eww that I couldn’t eat for half a day. The good thing is I lost 345 grams. Yayyyy.

Actually, I don’t blame all poor souls.

Selfies may seem like 9 minutes ago, but really they are a way of life. You can’t destroy life. Well, I guess you can by dying or whatevs but you get my point! In fact, it has become so huge that a dictionary that starts with O was forced to include it. Even Auntie Ellen agrees. Look what she did on Oscar night when she clicked her selfie with Hollywood biggies and unleashed a selfie tsunami. It was like insane!

Since a groupie selfie is the new supercool, I’m now forced to latch on to friends and pretend to like them as I click all of us together to tell everyone who doesn’t care what a good time I’m having.

Umm...actually, I don’t have any friends anymore. They were like so jealous of my popularity that they refused to like my pics even when I asked them. I unfriended all of them.

Dearest Diary, thank you for being such a great listener. But right now I’m experiencing a strange twitching of my facial muscles. Gawd! I’m feeling so weird.

OMG, now I know what it is! It’s been over 30 minutes since I clicked my selfie. How could I be so stupid! I will never forgive myself! But yea, before I sigh off lemme tell you this big secret of mine. I’m planning to write a 10 page book titled – Selfie Helpie. Eeeeeeeee. I’m sooo excited.

Gotta run! See yaaaaaaaa!



Top post on IndiBlogger.in, the community of Indian Bloggers


85 comments:

  1. OH DEAR LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORD!!!!! Haaaahahahah
    You decoded the mind of a selfie maniac! AND HOW BRILLIANTLY!!!!
    This is the first time I loved being called a bitch, AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
    And hey! I need to check out the duck face picture of yours now!
    I could do with a selfie helpie book though!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. But one of your Twitter friends took umbrage that I called you a hag :D

      Delete
  2. This was fun.
    Great post. And yeah, like Red Handed said you decoded the mind of a selfie maniac!

    The other day I was at a blogger meet and the task was to click an Oscar selfie (or groupie, whatever it is called) and the best selfie(groupie) wins. It has become so viral. :P

    When I took my first selfie, I took for good that there will be no more selfies. Not now. Not ever. :P

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I am hopeless at selfies - always end up looking like someone who has just landed form Mars.

      Delete
  3. Hahaha! Purba! You seem intent an outdoing yourself every time :)

    Me - the ULTIMATE loser :) Still using my passport photo for a gravatar as someone was kind enough to remark at THAT meet where bloggers were invited to take group selfies a la the Oscar one :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Lol..this DP of yours is as old as the Vindhyas.

      Delete
  4. Did you hold your breath when you wrote this? How did you manage to speak like someone so unlike yourself? You look half your age and how, but here, you wrote like a 13 year old and HOW! Laughing at the strategically placed 'like' all over. Like, so well written like, I'm rolling on the floor, like with laughter! :D

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I was like so not easy! Especially when my own daughter never spoke like a typical teen.

      Delete
  5. Hey, I have liked all your selfies but you haven't 'liked' my latest ones. So uncool. BTW I can't pout...so, I show my buck teeth...no quack quack...but mooo. Yes, like a cow flashing its teeth.
    :D glad we are with the times.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Babes, you have a natural pout, like it's so hot, like Jolie Auntie's.

      Delete
  6. Selfies have taken over the world sparing none! And now I came across something called a 'belfie' ! Lol! I could imagine all the 'matka's and 'jhatka's of a 'selfier' reading this post!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Shez lyk a Suuth Delhi Bitch! My daughter insisted that I stick to one tone. Apparently there's a hierarchy of teen speak. Whatevs!

      Delete
  7. You dealt with this post in your own inimitable satirical way and I have absolutely no doubts that this entry will surely resonate a lot with teenage readers, if you have any ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I doubt that. I am like so uncool.

      Delete
    2. I'd like to differ with you on that. Im a teen and I just stumbled across your blog, and lemme tell you something- you're 'like' so cool.
      Thankfully neither my friends nor I do this *shudders*
      And if any of my friends start doing this stuff, there goes the unfollow button. :P

      xo
      Hopelessly Hopeful
      http://welcometomypartypeople.blogspot.com/

      Delete
    3. And I know many adults who talk exactly like this :-)

      Delete
  8. Wao! This was like so nyc, like your were reading my thots! Maybe we cud even take a selfie togeths wen we like meet next tym ya!
    Muaaaah!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Eeeeee...I am lyk sooooo excited, ya! Lezz meet at Mocha over hukkaz. Wot say u?

      Delete
  9. Wow, how cool you are babes! I lyk all your selfies, even those you put up on twitter! I love your quack quack pose too with other quack quack women too. Who cares if your house or your food did burn down in the process. It just is so cool. Group selfies are the latest fads. We even have meets for that these days :) Who wrote this post, Purba aunty? It was so funny and kewl!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Purba Aunty went crazy going through Teen forums trying to get the teen lingo right. So not kewl, I tell ya!

      Delete
  10. Purba, forgive me the insolence of not appending it with "Ma'am". Given the sensitive nature of this post, I can only empathize with what your little, soft, bubbling, sensitive, (okay I'm running out of adjectives now), altruistic, painstakingly beautiful heart is going through right now, that you had to take some time off from taking selfies and writing, wait, exactly 250 words, and also a selfie helpie!
    Here, I've just dispatched an e-pack of kerchiefs for you to wipe your diamond tears. You should be receiving them any moment now. And how dare that 'Ugly Head' defile the sanctity of your 'oft visited by hopeless cases' altars by such a nasty comment. But wait, maybe that 'quack quack' is how she wants you to pout in your next selfie and bring some nirvana to the duckbacks.

    A very, and unusually bubbly post ma'am, awesome :D

    Cheers,
    Blasphemous Aesthete

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think the obsession with selfies is an extension of Barbie personalities. You outgrow Barbie because you start think you're the doll.

      But I've realized one thing, sounding dumb is way more tough than making people laugh.Phew!

      Delete
  11. Ha Ha - That was a cool one. Selfies seem to be the order of the day. Somehow your style of writing in this post reminded me of Suresh's usual style.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm not sure how Suresh will react to this observation. Especially when I'm trying to sound like a self-obsessed, delusional 16 year old.

      Delete
  12. Hey girl, Purba Aunty's duck face was ten times hotter than your kiddie Selfie. Don't you dare say a word about aunties. Cause teens have no copyright on Selfies.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And Aunties on Facebook who keep changing their DP's every few days to show off their new purse, shoes,dress are ready to give this Selfie Goddess a run for her money :D

      Delete
  13. Hahahaha..this is the first time after so long that I read any blog, and it was totally worth it...:-D.. I could actually give a face to that voice..i know so many ppl like that! I dont know if that's something to be proud of, though :-P

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Am I glad to see you after such a long time!

      I also happen to know some Aunties who behave like teens :p

      Delete
  14. How did you manage to write like a 15 year old? Wow! Auntie Jolie will die with shock.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Auntie Jolie will probably kill Purba first.

      Delete
    2. Jas- Auntie Jolie needs to read my blog first :P

      Delete
    3. But...but..Khoty, Aunty Purba didn't write this. Her 16 year old alter ego did.

      Delete
  15. Ha....that was quite hilarious. For a moment I thought you were a selfie obsessed teen and was about to unfriend or unfollow you.
    But you duck-face pic........*aaaaaargh* *runes away*

    P.S. Write a post on the internet's obsession for cats, please. *puppy face* or rather *cub face* :P

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I don't have friends who share Cat memes all day long :-(


      Delete
  16. Purba, bang on! Loved it, laughed out loud and thoroughly enjoyed it. Every age has its own ways of doing things.. they take selfies and we wonder! I was selfie obsessed too but that was like.. 10 yrs ago man! :P

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I feel selfie obsession transcends all barriers of age, maturity and sanity :p

      Delete
  17. Hilarious.. recentlyI updated my google profile pic and guess what?? it was a selfie.... :P

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I always manage to look ugly in all my selfies.

      Delete
  18. Haha ! :D :D So funny.Now, I will think twice before taking a selfie:P

    ReplyDelete
  19. hahahaha! selfie maniac on the prowl! :)

    ReplyDelete
  20. Lol, can't believe YOU wrote that. But you did it very well indeed.
    Just like a typical 17 year old!
    Oh sorry, I mean it was SSOOOOO EXAWWWTIC!!! Wooohoooo! :D ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I have written some pretty crazy stuff before I sobered up :p

      Delete
  21. The love for the selfie was clear from your writing and the respect for your writing that I have is like nothing else. I cant believe how you managed to write this, it was fun and I have read it thrice now and am still rolling, laughing and enjoying myself.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Really? Eeeeeeeeee.. I am like so excited that I must run and take another selfie.

      Delete
  22. Ha ha ha! One of your beshttesttt post. :D

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Delighted that you liked it, Pooja :-)

      Delete
  23. That's quite something.effortlessly sassy and sinful. Taking dig at the self was like epic, Purba. Love the post and sharing. Brilliance has a name, Purba Ray:) Guess, we haven't seen the real you, totally crazyy and love this version of ma online friend..superb, forever young lady:)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I wrote and rewrote this piece quite a few times to get the language "right". It wasn't easy, you know. Especially when my own daughter is far from a typical teen.

      Thanks :-)

      Delete
  24. Selfie-fi-fo-fun. In moderation. Feel ashamed that I laughed loudest at Jolie Aunty.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hahahahaha! Aunty Jolie will be far from a-mused if she ever reads this :p

      Delete
  25. LOL ! That totally cracked me up !!! Fantastic writing !

    ReplyDelete
  26. Hahahaha...you realize you took a dig on their oxygen :P

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Why just teens, Namrota. Most of us have been afflicted by this vanity virus.

      Delete
  27. Oh i cant stop laughing!! In fact I am on the floor right now :P :P We just had a blogger meet and the only thing they made us do other than tolerating CB was clicking selfies :P :P
    Btw loved the reference to Red handed, cracked up completely on that :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think she quite liked it or maybe she pretended to make me feel nice :D

      Delete
  28. This is a very sad state of affairs Purba. People these days are so engrossed in vain and frivolous pursuits.. I am afraid there will come a time when seeing a child curled up with an Enid Blyton will be a thing of the past.
    This self obsession is not at all good for the world.
    Though written in a very funny manner, this post makes me sad :(

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Aarthy, thankfully we still have youngsters who do not believe in such frivolities. I think we are living in an age of extremes. On one hand we have teens who are focussed and know what they want and on the other hand there these self-obsessed specimens. I think, the same holds for us as well :-)

      Delete
  29. LOL... complete with keywords like xoxoxoxo too :D Witty as ever, Purba!
    I often wonder at HOW much trouble people take to click selfies!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. To look sultry while staring at yourself in the camera is an art.

      Delete
  30. Many folks will identify with this coz many are severe selfie addicts :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh yes, we are all equally guilty.

      Delete
  31. Hey Awesome blog...... i think you can submit the same blog here http://bloggernetwork.in/ as well

    ReplyDelete
  32. ROFLing Purba! I am laughing and thinking about poor Selfie-addictive souls who are going to read this. Seriously the world is so much suffering with over-dose of selfism these days. A Beautifully Bashing Post! ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. :D Delighted that you liked my post.

      Delete
  33. Great post. I had tried taking selfies when I first bought a phone with camera. Quickly disowned them and declared them as morphed images propagated by my enemies.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Selfies are the ultimate reality check when you are realize you are not as attractive as you think you are.

      Delete
  34. hahaha that's just hilarious :D I am no selfie fan coz most of my selfies are utterly ridiculous... I don't know how they pout and smile and still manage to hold the camera with one hand and make V with other without getting a it all blurry. Not the kind of talent I got... sigh!!! :P

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My nose looks like Pinocchio's in all my selfies.

      Delete
  35. I am sure the diaries of most ten year olds will have pretty much the same content as this ! :D This one was so awesome !!!

    ReplyDelete
  36. Your writing style and humor is very different in this one from your usual post. I am guessing it's deliberate for either challenging yourself or to write as someone a generation younger to make more sense with the topic. I might be wrong, but I liked it !

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Of course it was deliberate. I can't be myself while writing a like a teen :/

      And thank you.

      Delete
  37. :D You always manage to make my day!

    ReplyDelete
  38. Damn we should have all tried a group selfie the last time we met :-P

    ReplyDelete
  39. Height of self-love. Alas, wherever I go, people persuade me to click their faces and I am ultimately cheated.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The photographer is the least photographed :-)

      Delete
  40. I loved this post... This what I am seeing around me... Couldn't stop laughing! :)) Forwarding it to my friends!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for sharing it on Twitter :-)

      Delete
  41. This is hilarious! I've been watching selfies pouring on my fb page. And wonder in exasperation why ppl were insisting on selfie even when there was option of self-timed camera...It got great angles w/o one having to stretch their hands out like boomer guy! These days I scarcely, if ever, read long posts/jokes...but you had me chuckling till the end!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Selfies is not just an obsession with teens. I've seen so called mature women posting their selfies almost on a daily basis. Social media is bringing out the narcissist in us.

      Feeling much flattered that you enjoyed reading. Thank you :-)

      Delete

Psst... let me know what you are thinking.

LinkWithin

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...