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It appears my Mills and Boon post did not go well with Anshul and he dons his funny hat to defend his right to keep a moustache.
Says who women don't crave men with bristling upper lip hair?
To whosoever it may concern
Moustaches. Not all women like it. Most internet articles that I read report that they are not ‘turned on’ by it (as if they were some object or some switch), not to mention that majority of those articles are written by women. They give ultimatums to ‘shave or to crave’ and when men are at it, they put nifty codicils of doing the act in an effing running metro, adding to men’s WOES (Women Against Evening Stubble). Though a juxtaposition, women still seem to want macho men, which they often define as broad jawed men who exhibit prominent signs of growing a full and healthy beard but chose not to. But women! The above perception isn’t your fault except for the fault of ignorance that you all are just towing in line with the whims of a powerful dozen minds in the fashion industry. All I do is sigh saying “This too shall pass!”
Having spent the better half of my life’s first quarter in the obscurity of my moustaches and quite diligently so, I’ve earned a nick-name among my male compatriots, ‘Muchhi’, a benign spinoff from the grotesque sounding ‘Mucchad’. What people don’t know is that it was coined by a perceived (and hairless at the time, male) adversary as a tease. Since then, the moustache has kind of ‘grown on me’. So when Madame Purba offered me an opportunity of “defending men's right to keep a moustache”, my moustaches bristled up like a distressed porcupine and nose-picked me until I acquiesced and took up this herculean task of redeeming the staches.
But, if men have to look for reasons to keep a moustache, I’d rather have them shave it off. It doesn’t have to be about any other reason than that you feel good about it. I like my staches right now, so I keep ‘em, unencumbered by what goes on behind my back. Behind my back, because most people usually don’t dare confront the moustache openly, they are aware that usually, men, keep it. From being looked down as a ‘mark of revolutionary or an artist’ to being revered as being the the evolutionary next level to enlightenment (Oscar Wilde, allegedly), they’ve seen everything under the sun. Moustaches stand out as one of the expressions of living the life on own terms, a rebellion against the norms, the stereotype, the ordinary. Still, if you need more reasons for keeping one, I have a few ludicrous ones up my sleeve.
1. Natural Filter: In cities like Delhi where pollution is the rule, the day I trim down my moustaches barely from 4mm to 3, my nose is filled with black mucus by the end of the day. Other days, merely washing my face does the trick.
2. Lip Sweater: In places where I come from and in Delhi in the winters, the day of shave is the day my facial skin shudders out of cold. Other days, I can manage without a muffler.
3. Skin Tone Preserver: Admit it, your face will never be as fair as your scalp. This argument is not commutative. The scalp can be made less fair by exposure to the sun and heat.
5. Harry loved it, and so much that he resisted his Granny’s, Her Majesty’s orders to have his hard earned fruit of labor in the Antarctic adventure shaved off for at least two weeks before he had to give in. His facial foliage almost started a revolution on twitter where men and women alike supported and swooned over Harry’s golden fur. Since masses have always taken style cues from the imperials, clergy and now that musicians and nerds have been added to that list, it is only fair that we give them their due respect. Women have been writing unashamed letters to, and men copying style from, Jared Letos, Ben Afflecks and George Clooneys to allow the girls to go wild with their buns and moes. Even the Harry Potter star tried to have one, but it isn’t just any kid’s prowess.
6. Because those who don’t have it feign it often with ‘cream moustaches’ or with their hair. They’re confused about what they seem to like, You Sir! Don’t be like them. Know what you want. They accuse you of ‘knowing something’ and concealing it behind the bushes. They are darn right. No wonder you look more mature than your age; women, not sissy girls, heart maturity. Besides, young girls tend to like older men, young women like prospective men.
7. Because women have their tresses to twirl when they’re bored. What do we roll when we’re bored? Some men start rolling joints and that isn’t what ladies like either, is it? Of course it is becoming more hip, but men, some things kill you, like really. Attitude determines the altitude, the mere twirling of the ‘stache into an upward facing katana leads to an increased sense of control and confidence.
8. Because not everybody can have it. Just because they find themselves lacking does not mean that you have to belittle your gait. Do not disparage them either, unless they provoke you. If they do, tell them that cocks have crowns, lions have manes, and men have moustaches. Infatuated by Shikhar Dhawan’s imperial twirls and his ravishingly hot wife Ayesha, a friend of mine tried made a few abortive attempts at cultivating one. He wasn’t the only one who was infatuated by them but makes an interesting case study. He gave up on moustaches later on, and stuck to making devious plans of sabotaging mine like dipping them in Kerosene or letting termites on my bed, oh and also gossiping about them in his body-builders gang which he affectionately refers to as my ‘fan club’ where he allegedly boasts ‘Moochein ho to Mucchi jaisi, warna na hon’. I have a modest set, by the way, nothing imperial. ‘Moustache maketh a man’, Milady, not meat; but you probably crave the company of a woman in a man.
9. They make you pick your fights well from early on, so that you may not someday gamble away your wives. A friend of mine (according to whom men should be shy and women outspoken) took offense when I ridiculed his braggadocio on having found a girl who was allegedly giving hints of likeability by telling him ‘tum rehne do, tumse na ho payega’; He challenged me to bet my moustaches against him winning her over. His challenge made me think that the terms of this challenge were infinitely tilted in his favor. There was nothing ’in’ for me, neither in his winning, nor in his losing and I did not gamble. (I also lost the bet BTW :P)
10. You see, thoughts are like things we can breathe in and out. So, the moe allows the words and thoughts to linger for a little while longer which allows me to be philosophical and introspective rather than outspoken and overtly eager; it also determines the snappiness of my comebacks when it comes to wit. I’m profounder when I’m dapper, outspoken when I’m trim, my fur hides the tiny emotions, my eyes reveal my grin. See?
11. It’s a trap: First they did it to man, now they’re doing it to man’s best friend too. My heart goes out to all of you pals!
12 Popularity: Moustached men tend to be fairly outgoing because they will invariably still be asked, why do you have a moustache? You’re a young guy — why do you wear a mo? It’s sort of like pregnant women, right? Everybody feels free to talk about the belly. [Taken verbatim]
Women, if you don’t like a man with his moustache, by all means, don’t like him, don’t even try to like him. For every such man, there will be another who doesn’t have facial hair and may you be blessed to have a more handsome face call you dear, but be wary that he’ll spend more time on himself than writing love songs for you. While moustaches and beards might not increase sex-appeal in most men, it works wonders on their self-esteem, especially when among the bros, and scores of women. There is no trespassing on self-esteem. We love ‘You’, not your ‘concept of you’, we love you with or without pyjamas (the churidaars and patialas do suit most of you though), we love you even when we aren’t the only reason you dress up for, we love you in your PMSes and we’d hate to see you in anything that makes you uncomfortable. We’re trying to break free from prejudices, not to fall from patriarchy into matriarchy. We expect reciprocation, suggestions are welcome, but dictum? We aren’t that level headed yet.
In a world where approximately 45% of men cannot have a proper beard and moustache, it is but a rarity to find someone who does exhibit these traits of the wild, and I trust quiet love stories isn’t what girls dream of, wild love is what we all want; after all, it all started with a big-bang!
All images courtesy Google images