Sunday, May 25, 2014

An Open letter from Rahul Gandhi to a nation that refuses to acknowledges his genius


Image courtesy - Google Gandhi



Dear countrymen,

It’s been over a week since Mossad succeeded in their plans in annihilating the best thing that ever happened to your country – the Gandhis. Rahul Gandhi and his team has known for long that Israel was not happy with my Mum’s government. But boss, since when did our party start believing in anybody’s happiness other than ours! Our loss as usual is zero, Congress FTW.

Our employees on the other hand are convinced that it was Dentsu, the Japanese communication agency hired to sell me to the cattle classes that caused our downfall. Honestly, I don’t blame them. Rahul Gandhi has always known that India was not ready for his genius. Yet, he chose to make the supreme sacrifice for the sake of his subjects. Just like Grandma and Papa. It’s in our jeans.

He chose to dress in crumpled white kurtas when he could have worn Armani, campaigned in the dustbowls of the country when he could have gone go-karting. Ate dinner with Dalits, rendered India speechless with his speeches and forced the nation to look beyond his dimples. It requires the mind of a genius to calculate Jupiter’s escape velocity just for the sake of my Dalit bros. Who do you think I did it for! My Mom?

What’s more, I was always specific in a broader sense.

Rahul, India’s youth icon, its biggest hope, had a dream for India. He wanted to open up the system, empower its youngsters, and give them a voice. I empowered my Mom and gave her the reins of my career. Mom empowered herself and silenced Mannie Singh forever. I empowered my sis, and let her steal my thunder. She empowered her husband and made him a farmer. I promised empowerment to our people and transferred Mom’s poisonous power to that old man from Gujarat - the one who shall not be named.

Empowerment runs through our blood like a raging bull.

Rahul Gandhi disembowelled himself for his people and never let the smile leave his face. Just like any Supreme leader would have done for his people.


Mum thinks India is a funny nation. I kind of agree. Boss, you have to admire their sense of humour for choosing an old man over a handsome angel like me. But I told Mom, Rahul Gandhi is not ready to give up on his people. He knows his country is on the right track in recognising his genius. Like the guy whose name I forget says – First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you and then you win. After ignoring countless jokes about me, I know I’m ready to win.

Also, it wasn’t me who lost. After an intensive, soul-searching analysis of what went wrong in the elections, it was decided that old boy Mannie would accept responsibility for our defeat. Mom, the sweet soul she is, was kind enough to give him a farewell dinner. Me, I’d had enough of dinner with Dalits!

Right now my mind is a beehive of thoughts even though my heart feels like an elephant. But I will not sit back and rest and continue to toil endlessly for my Mom. I hate to see her cry as much as Salman Uncle. Power is poison but I’m prepared to drink it, just for my Mom. Like my favourite author Paulo Picasso says - “There is only one thing that makes a dream impossible to achieve: the fear of failure.” And I have achieved the impossible.

I beseech my fans not to lose hope. Rahul will be back on a horse, the Sun in the background and fix everything. There are a billion people waiting. He will come and everything is going to be fine again.

He knows what he wants to do, is what millions of youngsters want in this country. . . He knows how happy they feel when they hear his speeches. Speeches is in my blood, it runs through my veins, it’s in my shirt, in my pants and I shall continue to make my countrymen happy. That's the heart of my politics. Unlike your new leader, one who shall not be named, who cried while giving a speech after getting elected as the new PM….Lol, what an idiot!

I carry the terrible burden of being the youth icon of India at the age of 44. Trust me, it’s not easy looking youthful at this age. Rahul Gandhi is prepared to stay young and childlike for the sake of his country. Like poverty, youth is a state of mind, if you don’t mind. This reminds me, I must ask Mom, now that we’ve lost the elections and blamed Manmohan for it, can I wax my chest and flaunt it with my pink pants just like Robert?  I want to be a Pink Pant-her too, like Jeejajee!

I’ll finish my address with my favourite quote from my favourite person – Hindustan Ek Soch hai. Hindustan Ek Jagah Hai... Magar Hindustan Ek Soch Hai….

Keep regretting people………




73 comments:

  1. Ha Ha Ha, but I am scared to visualize who is err what is err forget it - in Rahul Gandhi's jeans

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    1. You dare have those thoughts and Mommy G will keeeeel you :p

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  2. You have no clue as to where all have hurt the entire clan,including the Vadras.
    But,having worked so hard during elections that he needed a holiday in Baali

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    1. Apparently he rushes off to Videsh every two months because that's where he can let his hair down.

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  3. Yup, we need him! 1.25 billion people need to laugh too, roti-kapda-makaan-wifi alone doesn't cut it anymore!

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    1. Despite the 600 crore publicity blitzkrieg to sell Shehzada to the masses, India was unimpressed.

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  4. I am sheding tears because the 'Empowerment" & the RTI which was to come will not return till the next election! Sob...sob!

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    1. I'm sure, his team of loyalists will think of something newer for him to impress us with.

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  5. Ha ha, yeah, the one who shall not be named is their nightmare. So much hatred and sense of entitlement that the duo did not deem it fit to congratulate Modi.

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    1. Good riddance to bad rubbish. I'm hoping Shehzada will learn a lesson in humility after this debacle.

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  6. Lol! The one that shall not be named! Great post, Purba :P

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  7. You really thought out of the box..while all others were writing to/about NaMo, you went for the underdog. Bravo. Now even I feel empowered :)

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    1. Hahaha...the only person that guy ended empowering was Modi :D

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  8. As usual sprinked with humour.. Good one..

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    1. is that time stamp correct? Do you sleep at all? as long as you can keep us fit with your medicine we are not complaining!!!

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    2. Errmm...I'm in a country that's 4.5 hours ahead of IST

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  9. You nailed it right, Purba and its beyond imagination that we refuse to accept that his genius lies in the computer called Rahul coupled with software of RTI, youth and women empowerment.

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    Replies
    1. He does sound like a Robot albeit an unintelligent one.

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  10. Unfortunately the script of Pied Piper refused to play this time!

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    Replies
    1. India was intelligent enough to see through the charade.

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  11. And that, my friends,wraps up the election campaigning and speeches from the shehzada, at least for the next five years :)

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    1. Hopefully, Shehzada will finally find out what he really wants from life?

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  12. I think they caught the name-calling fever from you. Wish they'd acquired your humour too. Mossad and the one who won't be named, lol. Since I heard him say, "When I woke up early this morning" - long weighty, measured, thoughtful pause - "at midnight..." I knew Rahul was a nice-enough guy but not exactly material for PM of India.

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    Replies
    1. He was always the reluctant heir and it was pretty evident from his lackluster performance.

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  13. You forget Vadra's sacrifice - he became a farmer so that Rahul could have a farmer to eat with - keep it all in the family, like :) AND you have reminded them to resurrect the Congress' tried and trusted bogeyman - the "Foreign Hand", though they may be chary of using that. He who cannot be named could well link that to Mummy and the Congress symbol :)

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    1. I'm surprised nobody has blamed Sonia and her steadfastness in ignoring public opinion for Congress's humiliating defeat.

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  14. nicely written, please check the other side of coin too:
    http://anshumanzewan.blogspot.in/2014/05/letter-from-former-tutor-of-rahul-gandhi.html

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  15. THIS PARA "Rahul, India’s youth icon, its biggest hope, had a dream for India. He wanted to open up the system, empower its youngsters, and give them a voice. I empowered my Mom and gave her the reins of my career. Mom empowered herself and silenced Mannie Singh forever. I empowered my sis, and let her steal my thunder. She empowered her husband and made him a farmer. I promised empowerment to our people and transferred Mom’s poisonous power to that old man from Gujarat - the one who shall not be named. "

    YOU KILLED IT! HAHAHAHAHAAH

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    Replies
    1. Mwah <3 You are always too kind.

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  16. Hahahaha Purba. A friend introduced me to this blog a few minutes back and I'm cruising through your posts.
    You're too good! Can't Believe I didn't know about this you now.
    You ought to be famous!

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    Replies
    1. Every time I think I'm almost famous, I read this. Dammit!

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  17. Such an innocent dude!! Loved the humour in the post but when it comes to the boy with the dimples, this comes naturally, right?

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    1. He's naturally...err...ermmm...like...DULL!

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  18. "Just like Grandma and Papa. It’s in our jeans."
    That was intentional to show RaGa doesn't know his genes from his jeans, right?! :)
    Now perhaps RaGa can say- bye to Pajamas & hi to jeans :) Or may be hi to- "pink pants just like Robert" :)

    Great to read, as usual :)

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    1. The jeans bit was intentional, in case you're wondering :D

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  19. The best part : it’s not easy looking youthful at this age.

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    Replies
    1. Believe me, it's very tough!

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  20. hahaha... what a post! Had me in splits!!!

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  21. Heh! You should become Baby Gandhi's PR head. This letter is much better than all of his speeches combined.

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  22. Sometimes I cannot fathom who is more dumb -- he or us. After all we have been tolerating him for so many years. And whenever I see the cronies in Congress try to cover his follies, I feel like throwing up. You brought out our lunacy so well. I just hope this is the end of the road for Maa-beta!

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    1. The way they are going around blaming everyone but themselves, I doubt if they have learnt anything. The Beta doesn't have it in him. The sooner the Mata realizes it, the better it is for her and the nation.

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  23. ha ha....two much err... too much!!

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  24. ah well .. always a next time Rahul ........ 5 years and 49 years of age .. you may still get a chance.. where there is a will there is a way .. :)

    Bikram

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    Replies
    1. Abki baar, Rahul baba ki Sarkar!

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  25. LOL:):D The Ultimate Laughter Show!

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  26. Hilarious! Esp. loved this line * “There is only one thing that makes a dream impossible to achieve: the fear of failure.” And I have achieved the impossible. *
    I can actually imagine him saying that! :P

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    1. Nothing is impossible for RaGa, look what he did to Congress :D

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  27. For all the jokes and criticism, I strongly believed at one point, that Rahul G had potential. I am not even ashamed to admit it. He was an educated, polite and graceful young man with fresh ideas. He wanted to make a certain level of education necessary NSUI branch of Congress. I guess he just completely lost it after being mixed with seasoned politicians who believe in politics of no relevant issues. It was a steep slope down from there. Pretty much like Kejri.

    It's a very well written satire that should make people think of what is wrong with Indian politics. I guess that's a purpose well served :)

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    1. He did start off with the right impression. But then you have to have substance to sustain 'hard to please' public's interest.

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  28. This person has been speaking as if he's done so much for the country and he wants to do more. Goodness. And you are right, he ended up empowering Modi only:-D

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    1. BJP should give him credit for their massive win :D

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  29. Nice satire. I feel sorry for him actually.. I think he just wasn't ready to take on this burden. He was a free bird , doing his own thing and then his mom had to drag him into this - that was a smile of relief we saw on his face after they lost. Poor guy, he tried so hard to lose and still if we did not oblige - what can we deduce about the mental capabilities of the beehive..huh ?

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    1. I actually fell sorry for him when I read this....http://scroll.in/article/666007/Why-Rahul-Gandhi%27s-traumatic-past-makes-him-incapable-of-leading-the-Congress

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  30. Looks like RaGa sent this personal note to you in his own hand, it bears so close semblance to what he has said since his RaGa... err saga begun.

    Amusing read!

    Cheers,
    Blasphemous Aesthete

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    1. Of course, he did! I have better things to do than write imaginary letters on his behalf :p

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  31. Poor guy! I actually do feel bad for him. I mean, what option does he have saddled with the monstrous weight of Legacy on his inept shoulders.
    Did he really make that Hindustan speech? By God! :-D

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    1. By God, ki kasam, he did! I'm sure he's thanking his stars that he's away from the limelight and the merciless jokes on Twitter.

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  32. Haha...very well written Purba! I am coming back here after so long...but the familiarity with your writing is intact :)

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    1. I hope you're still writing short stories. Haven't read any in a very long time.

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  33. wowwwwww ha ha ha ha ha...height of sarcasm..

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  34. Sigh one day Rahul baba will rule over us chahe hum jeetay ya Loosay. Poor boy has to let mummy win an election for him first. Actually won't blame the guy if he runs off and becomes an Alpaca farmer in Peru instead.

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    1. Hahahaha...now that's letting your imagination run wild.

      Jeetay or loosey is one his Daddy's gems, no? Guess, it runs in the family.

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  35. Heck, you shouldn't be blogging for free. This was hilarious.
    I am surprised that you didn't talk about Times Now debates. It's funny how the INC fellas defend this guy.

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