Tuesday, May 20, 2014

Why Boobs are Important


Courtesy - Pinterest.com

We all have mammary memories, both wonderful and embarrassing. The times when we lusted for them, the many times we cursed their existence. These bulbous mounds of fat, the appearance of which changed us and others around us. They made us feel powerful and weak at the same time. The constant tussle between hate and love for our twins as we navigated through crowds with our handbags clutched close to our chests.

But what if women didn’t have boobs? What if all of us were uniformly flat chested! I can imagine catastrophic consequences for humanity. Besides being denied the opportunity of staring at cleavage and passing it off as deep thinking, men will be forced to make eye contact while they engage in a conversation with us. We understand how relaxing it is, just staring and interspersing it with an occasional hmm and haww, just to clear any doubts she might have of the existence of your vocal chords. It’s as comforting as watching TV, as you recline on your couch, munching that huge pack of crisps – mesmerised like an insect trapped in a cobweb. You know something is not right, yet you don’t feel like doing anything about it because it feels so good. And why not! In a world full of harsh realities, these soft mounds of flesh are a welcome change. They do not challenge you and your intelligence.

Boobs are reminders of your babyhood, when mothers protected you from all evils. Plus, when you stare at bosoms, you can prove those nags wrong who keep making fun of your inability to focus on two things at a time.

Add to that the thrill of doing something that’s considered uncouth and lacking in manners and it becomes infinitely more exciting! Women being the heartless creatures make it more challenging by covering them under layers of clothing. As Jerry Seinfeld has so adroitly pointed out, if women kept their heads covered instead of their breasts, we'd all be heading down to the corner store to pick up the latest copy of Heads Illustrated. We always want that which we cannot have, and in that regard, breasts are the ultimate forbidden fruit.

And why deprive men of the opportunity to flaunt their maturity by cracking boob jokes! I mean for how long can you crack potty, fart jokes and makes others laugh. Boob jokes are like a breath of fresh air. They are proof that you’re now grown-up enough to make fun of a woman’s anatomy.

It is a natural progression of the male psyche- poop jokes, boob jokes and marriage jokes.


It’s not as if the absence of breasts will augur well for us women. It will be awful that so many of us will be forced to rely solely on our intelligence, hard-work and talent to forge ahead in our careers. These weapons of mass-distraction besides doing their bit for ‘upliftment’ of mankind also double up as pen-holders and saviour of fallen crumbs. Also, boobs are a perfect diversionary tactic to deal with sticky situations. Imagine those days when you felt like Uday Chopra in drag and all you had to do was wear a plunging neckline to detract attention from your face! It will heartbreaking to get Cozi with Lux, just like our men. What do they know of the joy of finding the perfect fit and lift, a cup that spilleth over and a lace that feels like silk? Scores of researchers and developers employed by lingerie companies to unhook breakthrough technologies that tantalize and make lemons look like watermelons will be rendered jobless. Victoria will no longer have a secret. Men will stop watching Fashion TV. Karenjit Kaur would not have become Sunny Leone and silicone would still be used as a sealant and an adhesive.

If size matters, cup size matters a lot. It’s only in this valley of ups and down, do D and C get to feel superior instead being the usual lousy grades that must be hidden from parents’ sight at all costs.

And so many femmes will be deprived of stories of their countless hardships that have to go through because of these booby traps. Believe me, you can’t be a D cup and not moan constantly about it.

Minus boobs, women will become less interesting. In short they will become just like men.

Breasts are simply not a mass of adipose, in varying shapes and sizes. They grow, harden, sag with age. Sometimes they even develop lumps that can be fatal. They are symbols of our womanhood, of our ability to nurture and sustain life. For a baby, nothing feels more secure than nestling and suckling his mother’s breasts. It through them we develop the most revered bond of all – the mother-infant bond.

Even academicians perplexed by the magnetic allure of breasts have dedicated reams of research to them. According to Professor Larry Young, human evolution has harnessed an ancient neural circuit that originally evolved to strengthen the mother-infant bond during breast-feeding, and now uses this brain circuitry to strengthen the bond between couples as well.

Now you get it why men can’t stop staring at our boobs? It’s simple – men are like babies. And what do babies like the best? You guessed it right – breasts!

So the next time you spot someone staring too long at your cleavage, don’t get mad, think of him as a baby seeking solace. Just make sure you ask him to grow a pair of boobs, a 38 D if possible and ask him to board a crowded bus. He’ll finally know that it requires more courage to walk around with this mass of adipose than grow a pair of small spheroids down under.

Alternatively, you could do your bit for gender equality and focus hard on his balls and pass it off as deep thinking. Smirking, leering or otherwise. Hey, we could even petition the industry and have them come out with cup sizes for men’s undies. Let the ones with A-cups slog it out with the D-cups while we drive them nuts with our stares of approval or disapproval.

What better way to empower women than this? 



Here's what a member of the opposite sex has to say to my "what if women were flat-chested" suggestion. 

Dear Purba, I, therefore raise you “Let men have boobs too” to your “Let women be flat-chested”. This anthropological leap will not only make lechery extinct but also double the size of many industrial enterprises and pull the world economy out of recession.

A hilarious piece by MP Singh



Yet another rebuttal by none other than C Suresh. 
He wants to know, since when did it become uncouth to gaze at these beauties? 

 

 


Top post on IndiBlogger.in, the community of Indian Bloggers

136 comments:

  1. This is so perfect that I have nothing to add. Just soaking up the wisdom and letting the satire burst into bubbles under my skin.

    You are simply awesome Purba. Simply. Are.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Coming from someone whose writing I admire, it means a lot.

      I think I'll dance to Happy :D

      Delete
  2. Bloody Brilliant Yaar. A Booby Trap for readers.
    I can't think of anyone who could have written about boobs with such panache, wit and wisdom. Honesty too.
    Now this is one post, I wish I had written.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. *Does a happy jig*

      Topics like these are always tricky write and I'm sure I've managed to offend many :p

      Delete
  3. Completely Entertaining...What would the word be without any "Tit"illation...

    ReplyDelete
  4. Just hilarious and hard hitting as well. I loved your "tit for tat" suggestion as well :-P.

    ReplyDelete
  5. EMINENTY LAUGHABLE SENSIBLE ........HA HA HA

    ReplyDelete
  6. I come out wiser after reading this post. Nobody could have done better justice to the attention Boobs get than you. I bow down to thee on this one.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Phew! Appreciation does feel great. Thank you so much.

      Delete
  7. When women will stop kissing rich toads & imagining them to be princes, men will start staring at a woman's soul, instead of at her boobs

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Aww...com'on, stop consoling yourself with such excuses!

      Delete
  8. Simply bowled over by this fine piece of satire..haven't read one like this in a long time. 'Booby trapped' me :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh, thank you so much. So glad you liked it.

      Delete
  9. Adding 2 bits from what Cindy Crawford said “You start out happy that you have no hips or boobs. All of a sudden you get them, and it feels sloppy. Then just when you start liking them, they start drooping.”
    That was a fascinating read on a subject that never ends to fascinate, :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And this is a fascinating quote. I wish I had added this in my write-up.

      Delete
  10. ha ha....AWESOME! Witty and classy :)

    ReplyDelete
  11. If Shakira does read this post, she might just go ahead and sing a sequel "Tits don't lie" to her "Hips don't lie" song :) Lovely post, filled with your trademark humor and satire, as always :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. ROFL, Jairam. As if Chole ke peechhe wasn't bad enough!

      Delete
  12. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!! You just bowled the best boobly.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Good read. Just one medically proven point is missed out. Looking at boobs increases men's health. All it needs a ten minute look at busty woman, to increase his lifespan by 5 years.
    Joking- it was a hoax :p
    http://urbanlegends.about.com/od/medical/a/ogling_breasts.htm

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Trust men to come with such excuses to do what they think is their legitimate right.

      Delete
    2. Haha, poor bf,,,mine is so small....he ll be a died so early.......well, he says...i like small...will i to believe....no no

      Delete
  15. I have often wished for retractable boobs. Out when a baby is around and then back into the chest. Fitting into clothes would be so much easier. The heat would be so much easier to bear. Now I must rethink my wish...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ha, Mimmy. I always wished for a pair that could give out electric shocks :D

      Delete
  16. Congratulations Purba… for evoking all the sweet ‘mammaries’ that had lain latent in the collective cognizance of mankind… Simply love your state-of-the-art mind machinery! :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My 'mamaries' feel humbled. Thanks for reading.

      Delete
  17. haha...amazing article...loved it :)

    ReplyDelete
  18. Now that you have made all women understand the reason why men's gazes angle just enough downwards, I hope all that vitriol against cleavage-starers will vanish :P After all, how can you get THAT angry with babies :)

    Hilarious and hard-hitting all at once, Purba! Just what we have come to expect from you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It is this expectation that scares me, Suresh :-)

      Delete
  19. this is hilarious! truly 'hard' hitting

    ReplyDelete
  20. Reminds me of a dear gynaec friend who got married to Dr.Boob and now runs a nursing home called,(no points for guessing )Boob nursing home !
    Now woman empowerment of the kind you mentioned, I approve.What fun!
    Boobs don't talk ,thank God for small mercies!
    Fantastic Purba!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Heh! Mankind's fascination for mammary is big business for many.

      Lovely to see your comment after such a long time :-)

      Delete
  21. He he he he :) nooooooooo dont do that please .. jokes apart

    This is indeed hard hitting and seriously i do wish men stop doing that .. I am really scared of women doing what you have asked them to do ..

    Bikram

    ReplyDelete
  22. How can you forget that the boobs are the safest place for a woman to keep her money. I have lost count of the times I have seen women surreptitiously dig inside their boobs, produce a hanky with money ties in it and pay the sabzi wallah or the riskshawwallah :-) Safer that a bank I tell you :-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Now that is something I despise.

      I mean, what's wrong with carrying a small clutch?

      Delete
    2. they carry the smallest bag you know, mostly the one you get at mofussil jewellery shops for the little nosepin or may be a bangle that you buy and they put the bag inside, close to their boobs and take it out to pay the hawker in train ..

      Delete
  23. Sarcasm! Wit! Excellent!

    I must say though that the "t-shirt bra" took away the joy of a "nip in the air". :) We men are simple creatures with simple joys......

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. So you'd like us to believe :D

      Thanks for reading.

      Delete
  24. I'm not even sure what or how to comment on this. As many have already said, you, and only you could have written this with such panache and wit. :D

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Geez! even a satire on boobs leaves men speechless :p

      Delete
  25. :) everything has been said already.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for reading, Janaki.

      Delete
  26. Hilarious!
    Was out with my friend-colleague the other day and I was complaining about not able to wear tops which reveals cleavage. She said she is proud of hers and flaunts it at anybody and everybody, especially male colleagues. She did not have to do all that as she is brilliant, at high position already and very hardworking at that. Here women are proud of their breasts if they naturally have them, unlike me. Trust me I have unnecessarily bigger set and I am sick of it and hey, I too have to rely on my hard work and intelligence to gain growth at work ok? :-)
    And measuring balls ha ha ha ha.. This is epic! I will be laughing at this for next 2 days for sure!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Bhavana, it's only in our own country are we made to feel ashamed of our bodies - hiding it, taking responsibility for someone else's lust.

      Delete
  27. Boobslessness created a world famous football team - Manchester United.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hell yea! So many men vying for one ball.

      Delete
  28. Interesting Sarcasm. Though I won't call it hilarious like most of the other comments above me. It makes you smile and as one reaches the end, the smile becomes a smirk. Or rather a mixture of a sad brooding smile and a smirk. I don't know what it is called.....so let us call it a "smrood".

    But anyway...to make the tone lighter, I shall comment in my usual tone so that you won't die of a sudden shock or something - "You are being sexist! :O There are men who have boobs and are made to feel ashamed about them."

    P.S. I was half asleep and then I read Boob on my TL. Worked better than any coffee :P

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I agree, it's an uncomfortable read if you take it seriously.

      Respect your opinion.

      Delete
  29. Article is an absolute stunner ..

    ReplyDelete
  30. once again you picked a unique topic and weaved it in very nice sarcasm. I liked the way you balanced, or at least presented, the views of both the genders on breasts (wait! am i being conservative by calling them this! ). The fascination is universal and so is the discomfort in accepting it. I might be wrong, or stereotyped to my core, but I did get a sense of anger in some parts akin to frustration at gawking eyes.

    Btw, "weapons of mass distraction", golden!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. No, Prateek, there wasn't an iota of anger while i was writing this. In fact I had to consciously steer clear of turning it into a sob story.

      Ha, glad you liked :-)

      Delete
    2. Good to hear that the humor didn't stem out of anger....

      Delete
  31. "the appearance of which changed us and others around us." - The Truth of Life. One needs no high-noon ones to understand this. Experience speaks! *ahem* I'm quite proud of my twins though.
    You've managed to make me laugh at some of the ugliest truths about having and managing boobs. Here lies your talent, Purba ma'am. The men may squirm or reject this as a generalisation, the women nod thoughtful ayes remembering their last bus ride, but everyone is doing that even as they laugh their lungs out. A superb piece of humor.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This was one piece I wanted you to read, Sakshi.

      Truth is always bitter but humour always makes it more palatable.

      Delete
  32. "When you stare at bosoms, you can prove those nags wrong who keep making fun of your inability to focus on two things at a time." Ah this is sheer genius! Now I know what to tell my army of slaves at office and home ... yes you can multitask and yes I want xyz done right NOW!

    Wonderful post, has me laughing

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I was waiting and waiting for your comment and could not wait anymore and spammed you to read this. Thanks for being such a sweetheart <3

      Delete
  33. very funny. i loved your other posts too, very clear in your writing.

    ReplyDelete
  34. Oh the balls thing had me rolling and laughing. You are awesome Purba!

    ReplyDelete
  35. It's always a great feeling to read breast stories written by women. It's like throwing water at fire and hearing from the fire how it felt :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. What an interesting analogy, Ritesh :-)

      Delete
  36. Awesome article. with that bubbly and titillating sense of humour, as some one else on this blog said. Admire your zany style.!! Loved the final part ... men with size C.. and D undies..!!! Can just imagine the thoughts flowing thru a guy's mind.... when a woman is "checking" him out !! LOL !!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It will be awkward but then he'll know exactly how a woman feels.

      Thanks for reading :-)

      Delete
  37. Baby seeking solace and Men balls..You've nailed it right! Downright funny with bundle of intelligence. Simply superb, Purba, How on earth you come up with such awesome posts defying gravity and law of nature?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I wish I knew. I wish I could do it more often.

      Delete
  38. Awesome is all I good say. You have written brilliantly

    ReplyDelete
  39. In that case every man in Cochin is a baby seeking solace..GODDAMN! This was hilarious.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hehehehe...next time someone tries it, hand him a bottle of milk.

      Delete
  40. LOL. Came after days and what a post. Hilarious! 38D and in a bus. My salutation to any man who performs that feat!

    ReplyDelete
  41. The last line made me ROFL . Cups for undies - LMAO
    How wish I could actlly stare weirdly and approve / disapprove . Amazing post as always :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The truth is, if we do, we'll have to deal with a moron who'll think we are interested in him.

      Delete
  42. Better than Honey Boo Boo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Everything is better than Honey Boo Boo :/

      Delete
  43. Nice read! Boobs, a topic equally interesting to both men n women. Btw r u aware of the meme as to how the word Boobs was coined? If not so chk it out. Nd try tig-ol-bitties song in youtube.

    Expecting more fun reads from u.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I tried looking for the meme but couldn't find it :/

      Delete
  44. I remember reading a novel by Yashpal I have forgotten the name of, probably in my early teens or even earlier, where the protagonist is sculpting a woman forever. When the statue is said to have been completed -so much expectation having been whisked up about it- he invites the heroine to have a look at it. Guess what she gets to see when the veil is taken off? A pair of boobs! 'That's the essence of womanhood,' the sculptor tells her. What was more important for me at the moment, I felt so excited about that, as if a long standing belief had been vindicated.

    I simply loved the world play in your boobostic post. (I know that's not a word...) My favorite: 'weapons of mass distraction'. No wonder men have been boobytrapped again and again since biblical times.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. When it's your comment I have to think really hard before replying. And no, I'm not complaining.

      What saddens me is its objectification and both men and women are guilty of it.

      Delete
  45. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  46. Unparalleled! Truly 'Purba-nian':)

    ReplyDelete
  47. Loved your take on this, Purba.

    It was witty yet downright truth. It takes courage to hold these two babies and walk around the busy streets :)

    ReplyDelete
  48. This is brilliant! So witty and hilarious! :D

    ReplyDelete
  49. First time here and loved it...Hilarious. These twins are the reason why many times I wished to be born a male. What all we have to endure because of them.
    Loved your tit for tat suggestion.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I have never wished to be a man :-)

      Delete
  50. You make humour seem so effortless...and this on's perfect :D
    Loved it :)

    ReplyDelete
  51. Babies do what babies like, so much that humans, who previously used to become lactose intolerant as they moved into adulthood, have started to develop tolerance for it. I ascribe this evolutionary measure to the undying affection for breasts.
    Here's one praise song, it's a song on world peace! [Nevermind if you find it inappropriate] [Here]

    Cheers,
    Blasphemous Aesthete

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I lost my license to outrage after I wrote this :D

      Delete
  52. Fabulous humour, as usual from you. Much wisdom too.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for your appreciation.

      Delete
  53. Purba, this has got to be one of your funniest pieces! Incredible phrases and analogies! The 'focusing on two things at a time's made me make a water fountain with my mouth. Must remember to never have anything in my mouth while reading your posts.
    Awesome. Brilliant.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'll have another glass of wine to celebrate my moment of "Triumph". Hic hic Hurrrray!

      Yay!

      Delete
  54. LOL Purba ! This was hilarious. Had read a while back but couldn't comment then.. I must admire the topic you chose and the elan with which you carried it out !

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hehehe...I was a little jittery about the reactions but now I'm glad I wrote it.

      Delete
  55. Hilarious culmination of humour and wordplays. Loved the piece with all my heart, as the topic too slippery to fall into either extremes of writing. Weapons of mass distraction was the master stroke.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I agree. I mulled over it for weeks before I mustered courage to write it :-)

      Delete
  56. One of the best blogs I have read in recent times.. kudos to you purba for providin the right mix of humour n satire. . Cudn't agree more on the idea of empowering woman.. cheers.. keep writing fantastic stuff..

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I didn't expect it to be received so well. Thank you for reading :-)

      Delete
  57. Hilarious culmination of humour and wordplays. Loved the piece with all my heart, as the topic too slippery to fall into either extremes of writing. Weapons of mass distraction was the master stroke.

    ReplyDelete
  58. Very intelligent and brilliantly written...
    Hats-off!! to your writing and femininity... #Respect :-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much. Feeling humbled.

      Delete
  59. So the next time you spot someone starting too long at your cleavage..

    *staring?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh dear, thanks for pointing it out!

      Corrected.

      Delete
  60. A booby trap of a write up! satire at its best! Loved your writing :)

    Cheers Sneha

    ReplyDelete
  61. What a great read, absolutely made my morning. This reminded me of a line of wisdom by Barney Stinson "There are only two reasons to date a girl you've already dated: breast implants." :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Bro Code no - 36, I'm sure.

      Delete
  62. WMD.....?
    Does the USA have an anti-dote or anti-nuke like defence ?
    Bosom-full write up Purba !!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sources tell me its Victoria's Secret.

      Delete
  63. Purba...Victoria's Secret gave the added UP-LIFTment to the saggy ones.
    Thus boops became ful-fill, ful(l)some and wholesome....
    Where there booby-traps for men ?
    One can market the saying and do a research on " BOOPS...BOOPS...HOORAY...".........

    ReplyDelete
  64. Ooo la la! AND I specifically said it was NOT a rebuttal :) (Loved that 'none other than' :) Makes it sound as though the world and its uncle knows me :) )

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Wishful thinking and why not?

      Delete
  65. Enjoyed reading this.
    But then there are some foolish ladies who stuff their hankies in there spoiling the natural contour.

    ReplyDelete
  66. You really leave me with nothing to add, but to simply place my hand delicately above my left breast and bow down to your comic superiority!!

    ReplyDelete
  67. LOL Purba.. I never thought I would laugh so hard at a boob article after losing one of mine to cancer...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's why you are my hero. You don't believe in feeling sorry for yourself, instead you choose to inspire others with your grit and determination.

      Delete

Psst... let me know what you are thinking.

LinkWithin

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...