Tuesday, June 10, 2014

Roaring Tiger, Crouching wife.

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Love not only comes with terms and conditions, it also has this annoying habit of subjecting us to surprise tests from time to time to check the sincerity of our emotions. Like the time when your man gets to see you the morning after a night of revelry and doesn't flinch when he discovers the woman of his dreams looking like a nightmare and demanding coffee hoarsely for her splitting headache. He convinces himself beauty is skin-deep as she bloats, shrinks, bloats again and creates a stink when she can't fit in her old pair of jeans anymore. On the contrary, to give her company, he sportingly grows a beer belly and insists on wearing his pants low and his belt lower.

Time is a revelation and so is she. Her mood swings make him quake with terror, decoding her brooding silences becomes his life’s biggest challenge. As they unravel each other layer by layer, they experience a myriad of emotions. She remembers everything that he prefers to forget. What's important to him is unimportant to her. Together they learn words like adjustment, compromise and giving each other space.

But that’s what love is all about, isn’t it? Embracing each other’s best and tolerating the rest!

She nags because his tomorrow never comes. Like the time he'd promised to fix the airy gaps in the bathroom windows and took six months to get into a mood that felt right. Her right mood is always complaining of a headache and he complains that everything but him is her priority.

Little wonder, marriage is not meant for the faint-hearted.

It starts off as a gentle purr and before she can adjust the volume levels, he begins to roar. It takes her by surprise. As she tosses on the bed, she tries to decode its hidden subtexts. Is it me or is it him? At first, she tries to dismiss it as a phase that too shall pass. It does but comes back louder and so strong that she crouches in a corner with her pillow for comfort.

Oh my god, my husband is a tiger in bed!


But she's a fighter and it's time to show who the boss is. What starts off as a tentative nudge and a murmur of protest graduates to a not so gentle shove! Funny thing is, he has no recollection of it the next morning and looks flabbergasted when she recounts the horrors of the night.

Is he doing a Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde with me, she wonders!

She starts talking to her married friends and is relieved to find that they have similar horror stories to share - of sleepless nights, the bottled up anger and how they cope with it. The thing with women is, they feel infinitely better about their suffering when they learn that it is being shared by many others, especially her friends. In fact, the more they talk about it, the better they feel.

Soon it becomes her favourite conversational opener with women she’s eager to befriend. All she has to say is, oh god, you should hear my husband snore, and the room starts resonating with excited chatter, the gaggle happily sharing their stories of whose husband snores the strongest and longest. Just as she’s ready to collapse with relief, it becomes a contest.

Women, I tell you, they want the best of everything. What's more they don't discriminate, be it their children's scores, their maid's tantrums or their husband's snoring.

She listens intently to all, especially the one about pushing the husband off the bed the moment he starts the symphony of the nasal kind. Encouraged, she tries the same tactic but looks suitably shame-faced when she sees the look of hurt in his eyes. Aww...my baby! The Mom in her comes rushing to the surface and she promises to be deafer to his failings.

Yet, she refuses to give up, after all she's promised to be with him through thick and thin, through ups and downs. He’s all hers to reform. And thus starts her crusade - from turning him from side to side, to trying to squeeze his nose shut, to suggesting new Yoga manoeuvres for the nose, to pretending noise is just an illusion. She even consults her obliging astrologer to find out if any planets are blocking his nasal passage. Unmindful of all her attempts, he roars and thunders and she quietly reaches out for her ear-plugs. In her quest for accepting his follies with a smile, she even comes up with a playful nickname and starts calling him “Snorita” and discovers she’s the only one who finds it amusing.

Sigh, it’s no fun laughing alone.

Their life has reached an interesting equilibrium now. During the day, he's constantly asking her to talk softly. Night is retribution time for her, when she gets to shove him off the bed for snoring too loudly. Plus she gets to play the martyr in the morning. Oh, the things she has to give up for her beloved!

The other day they celebrated their anniversary and drank copious quantities of champagne. That night he was unstoppable. No amount of elbowing could stop him from blowing his own trumpet. Morning as she woke up puffy eyed and he daisy-faced, she cooed sweetly - darling, last night you snored like Lion King! He smiled and replied in his gentlest voice - and you, my dear, like a lioness. Of course, she knows he's kidding. How can she make those awful noises from that cute button nose like hers!

No more champagne for her. She’s willing to put up with his nasal sonata but certainly not him getting to play the martyr. In a marriage there’s space for just one.

Meanwhile she continues to embrace his best and broadcast his worst but only in private.

72 comments:

  1. A gem.
    Are you a mind reader or what? This is my story. In fact most women can identify with this.
    Several pearls of wisdom here....love is truly about embracing the best and tolerating the rest.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. One woman's experience repeats itself :D

      Thanks for reading, Alka.

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  2. I love your articles.. the flow of your language is poetical and paradoxical, makes it very intruiging!

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    Replies
    1. Delighted that you liked :-)

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  3. That was hilarious. :D One of your best ones, if I may add.

    Reading the first para I was scared this was going to be a mushy post abut love, and I was getting ready to type a "Love is a lie" comment.
    The I was thinking of writing "Why don't you wear ear buds?!" but you spoilt it for me, again. (I shall never forget it or forgive you for it)

    P.S. I read somewhere that decapitation is a proven cure for snoring.

    P.P.S. Women are strange :-/

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. P.S He's my HUSBAND not my enemy!

      P.P.S You are very very strange!

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  4. Hahaha I so love this! We women are strange indeed, bit our husbands have no choice but to love us this way :D

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    1. And we love them despite their many failings :-)

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  5. Well captured, Ghar Ghar kee Kahani. All arguments end the day we guys accept who is the boss in the house, then it is bliss, only the bliss comes with the guy's tail between his legs. I mean who can fight " Head full of Aches, Great Wall of Silence, and 3 years ago you looked at Miss Pandey on net, you PIG", I am telling you it is not a fair fight, but who said life is fair and lovely ? Let there be peace...

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    Replies
    1. Oh my god, Prasad. You better write a man's POV ASAP!

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  6. Aha! There surely is one woman bemoaning her bad luck that she failed to marry me and, thus, lost the chance of boasting of the loudest snore :)

    Btw, have you not heard? Turn the man too lazy to breathe for himself - by providing him a machine to breathe with - and you are safe from the snoring. But then you cannot play the martyr :) He will, claiming that the machine keeps him from sleeping by not allowing him to fling his body around in all sorts of positions :)

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    1. I have always admired women who can sleep through their husband's snoring. If men can pretend to hear only what they want to, why can't we?

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  7. Love is ... snoring in symphony together. Try it, its the ultimate human togetherness :P

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    Replies
    1. Yes, I touch the high scales and he takes care of the bass.

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  8. And we play duet with our nasal symphony...made for each other :)

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  9. I can relate to so much of this, and not fully. IN our house, it is the reverse drama. He snores, on top of it, yells if he is pushed or poked or moved. I am the one who finally decided to put my bedding in the living room as we both have to get up early to work :( I really wish I could do that...kick him out of the bed...Grinning evilly. :P

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    1. I remember when we were kids, my brother put his fingers inside our Dad's nostrils to stop him from snoring. He got slapped for it :/

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  10. Tough task at hand, lady. I can emphatize and laughing at ur own expense..hehe

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    Replies
    1. We are partners. It's a given, if I make fun of him, I make fun of myself as well.

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  11. Hoping this time the comment goes through! Stole time from a hectic travel to read this lovely piece, Purba:) I did not show this to my wife as she would have nodded her head on every statement to tell, 'see I told you, the same'!

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    1. Hehehe....and that's the last thing you want to hear her say.

      Thank you for taking time out of your busy travel schedule to read this post :-)

      Delete
  12. This is a story of each one of us.
    At the ens,all men know who the boss is

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yet, they have to be reminded daily!

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  13. Thank god for me, the husband doesn't snore or is it that I am no longer a light sleeper I wonder :P Whichever it is, it sure is good! Well, he is yet to clear his museum of long forgotten mails, bills etc.Like you said, knowing others go through the same kinda lightens the issue.. :P

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Seeta, five years back I would have said the same thing. It appears without prior warning and you're left clutching your head :D

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  14. Uff the snoring! I have become the master at nudge and turn the other side, darling routine. He poor thing has to put up with my moods. What all we put up with in the name of love :).

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    Replies
    1. Indeed! Yet the guys can't stop their 'bechara husband' stories.

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  15. This one is really really good especially the line "embracing the best and tolerating the rest." That's what love is.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, Love teaches us many things :-)

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  16. You are both profound and funny at the same time. Great talent. Fantastic reading.

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    Replies
    1. Blame years of experience :-)

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  17. Lol! 'Symphony of the nasal kind', 'Just as she's ready to collapse with relief, it becomes a contest', and so many more phrases and sentences in this post made me think you are a master with words. I am sure all women will identify with this post. Good job!

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    Replies
    1. I'm hoping even men will identify with what I have written.

      Thanks for reading, Nisha :-)

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  18. ha ha ha....I couldn't stop nodding and smiling the whole way. Lovely lovely article Purba :)

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  19. Absolutely wonderful as always!
    Loved the morale of the story: marriage is not meant for the faint-hearted, and there’s space for just one...whosoever it might be;)

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    Replies
    1. It never works when both torture each other with poor me stories :-)

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  20. Planets blocking nasal passage? Hahahaha :D

    Such a fun post! :D

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  21. Intelligent and funny..as always :)

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  22. i am just taking a wild guess here so .. Happy Anniversary :)

    the best thing i find in me is that when my head its the pillow I am gone .. and no amount of pushing shoving will do anything till 6:30am.. SO blisssssssssss and since I cant hear my own snoring .. I can safely say I dont snore ... he he he he he

    and some lovely anecdotes there in the article on LOVE and LIFE .. I think people think love is all this lovely dovey running around the trees singing songs.. it hardly is .. but what you have said and put it so nicely

    "But that’s what love is all about, isn’t it? Embracing each other’s best and tolerating the rest! "

    TRUE that..

    Loved the post and made me smile :) so thank you for that .. and yeah keep the worst for private he he he he

    Bikram

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. People with romantic notions of love are yet fall in love. Of course, it's no bed of roses.

      And isn't it divine injustice that men get to snore so loudly yet they can't hear themselves!

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    2. noooooooooooo it is not .. why so ..

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  23. OMG! So true...almost died laughing :P Great post, Purba!

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  24. Snorita!! Now I find that amusing too.

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    Replies
    1. Hehehe...we can laugh together now.

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  25. This is such an everyday issue faced by women across the world. But the way you write it, it can no longer be called as 'just another post on snoring' :-)
    Lately I am seeing a shocking trend in me. My husband snores every night, but I cannot hear it every-night though. But during my menstrual period, my senses become over-sensitive to his snores and many other things. On top of this, bloody hormones makes me mad with rage. It is really irritating. Sometimes, I feel we women have to bear with species called 'men' way too much. Yeh! you guessed it, Its time for me! :-)

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Make him sleep in the living room. Believe me, both of you will be happier :D

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  26. What a lovely topic you have chosen to snore err write about . laughed aloud.

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    1. And "he" took it very sportingly.

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  27. I'm laughing so hard !! " to pretending noise is just an illusion."..:-D..wonderful !

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  28. Haha!! Hilarious!! I love the way you weave your words.. keeps me hooked till the end!!

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  29. This one is sooo good !!! So true that marriage is about loving the best and tolerating the rest ! And true love is when she cant sleep without those snores resonating in the background and it becomes music to her ears ! I am sending this link to my Mom, as my Dad snores so loud that the neighbors can hear him and Mom still sleeps like an angel next to him ! She is going to love this ! Thanks Purba !

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    Replies
    1. This is the same question I've asked myself - how my MIL manages to sleep blissfully through my Pa-in-law's ear-splitting snoring. How? How?

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  30. Suddenly, in a strange kind of role reversal, it was the husband who slept light, whose brittle sleep would break the moment someone raised the decibel even by point one, he was the one who was the last one to go to sleep and he discovered, to his amazement, that by the time his dear, innocent wife was sleeping like a log, she too snored like the patrol chopper on night duty.
    But the good old husband that he is, he refused to let her know, that it mattered. He pulled out his earplugs that he had bought to drown out the noise in his office and slept away in his snory glory! :D

    Howzzat!

    Cheers,
    Blasphemous Aesthete

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. HAHAHAHA! Sill laughing at he too snored like the patrol chopper on night duty.

      Anshul, you just wait. I shall have my revenge and torture him with Autumn's Snorata :D

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  31. Your article resonates with me! Such an amazing piece.

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    Replies
    1. It's time to settle the scores and prepare our noses to declare war. THIS IS SPARTA!

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  32. Oh what a hilarious insight into a women's psyche! That's the "reverse" push I needed at 27 to get away from marriage :D.Truth be told, I love my sleep too much to be pushed off the bed for mere snoring!

    It's amazingly written..It's so well worded that it took me a while to realize that the "tiger" in bed was for snoring !

    Ur satires constantly stump me and I like it :D

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    Replies
    1. Hey, marriage is the best thing that happened to me! How else could I have met my husband?

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  33. Hah! I loved it! Every single sentence was a gem in that one!
    Btw, let there be no illusions - those dainty little noses can be mini trumpets too. No amount of powder compact can mask their 'hidden' potential once the lights go off!

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    Replies
    1. I am discovering my hidden potential. When Snorita met Se-nor. Le Sigh!

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  34. I love you... your writing, I mean. But you always make me want to write a counter to your post

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And I shall wait for your counter.

      Delete
  35. hahaha :D I just can't stop laughing
    / from turning him from side to side, to trying to squeeze his nose shut, to suggesting new Yoga manoeuvres for the nose/ I did it... I did everything... I even tried burying myself underneath pillows and blankets... now the only solution I found is to sleep before he does :P Awesome post :D

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    1. I don't know how he manages it, but the moment his head touches the pillow he falls asleep. I never even get the chance to beat him.
      The saddest part is, when he's travelling and I have the room all to myself, I sleep worse!

      Delete
  36. I feel infinitely better about my own sufferings! ! :P

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