Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Janaani, the story of a fearless cop.

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This is a story about Shivaji Roye, a fearless cop with a fear of cockroaches, who works for Haryana’s Crime Branch and drinks a lot of adrak chai but without sugar because it’s bad for his figure. Shivaji or Shhh as his wife of 3.8 years often calls him when he talks too much and bitches about his colleagues, is no ordinary cop. He’s sensitive, loves watching romantic movies on TV, hates cricket , loves buying shoes with heels and never refuses to file an FIR. A passionate cook, he often gives his wife, his junior, loads of work so that he can get home first and cook piping hot dinner for her. A few weeks back when he went for a vacation to Mussourie with his wife and his loving mother-in-law, he would wake up every morning in tears. How could he not! The sight of the sun popping out like a glistening egg yolk from behind the mountains was sooo beautiful!

Shivaji had become a cop to make his parents happy. But, instead of blaming them for ruining his life, he dedicated his career in ruining the lives of misogynists that blame women for all offences meted on them and sympathize with the hormonally imbalanced culprits – in other words, the geriatric Khaps. Every week he would go to villages force-feeding chowmein to the custodians of women’s morality. Anyone who dared refuse him was subjected to a heeling experience by Shivaji’s six inch stilettoes and made to read Arundhati Roy’s 69 page essay ‘Algebra of Infinite Injustice’ translated in Hindi.

Other than gastroenteritis, no one had any other complaints. The hormone levels remained the same but the Khaps were now grudgingly accepting that men could be responsible for rapes. Women were still getting killed for honour and lust but they could now die in peace without having to put up with the ignominy of being held responsible for their own deaths. Shivaji was now planning to urge all the Khaps to ditch their pagdis and dhotis for Jeans. He felt, with the right part of the body getting aired, he could usher in winds of change and put an end to love within your Gotra or else die mindsets.

Life was rambling along peacefully like a tractor on mustard fields till one not so fine morning it was toppled over with the news of Munni’s disappearance. Munni, a young spunky girl from Jharsa, had won Shivaji’s heart by tying a Rakhi. She was the sister he never had. Both would often go shopping together followed by golgappas and lots of selfies.

Shivaji was now a man on a mission possible, ruthlessly interrogating Munni’s friends and Facebook friends till he stumbled upon a lead that takes him to the many lanes and bye-lanes of Chandni Chowk and a quick tasty stop at Paranthe wali gali. Just as he was preparing to click photos of the yummy thali with its assortment of chutneys and sabzis, he caught a glimpse of a pair of embroidered jeans that it could only be Munni’s, hanging from the telephone wires overhead. In retrospect, Shivaji thinks that it was part of God’a plan to make his stomach grumble just as he was passing Paranthe wali gali. Had he not made that fateful stop there, he would never had caught Bangaali, the dreaded bride trafficker, who exported Haryanvi brides, a novelty for ineligible bachelors in Best Bengal.


It wasn’t easy. After long arduous climbs up the winding stairs of the many dilapidated buildings in the vicinity, it was the strains of Robindro Shongeet coming from behind one of the doors that lead to his breakthrough moment. Bangaali was not an easy nut to crack. Shivaji had to drag him all the way to the Jalebi wala and threaten to dunk him in the bubbling cauldron of oil along with the jalebis, before he could make him spill the beans.

Unfortunately he was too late in rescuing Munni. Actually Munni refused to come back to her hometown. She had fallen in love with her new husband and fish that she’d have for breakfast lunch and dinner. She now wonders how she survived so long without fish.

Shivaji Roye had done that no policeman in Haryana had done before and tried looking for a missing person, that too a girl, with no high-up connections. With Bangaali behind bars, he had secured the future of Haryanvi men and to-be born Haryanvi baby boys by putting a stop to bride trafficking that was endangering a rare species called women in Haryana.

He was honoured with the title of Janaani, for tackling this case with sensitivity, by Chief Minister Hooda, at a function attended only by male VIPs.

Life is back to normal now. Shivaji is back to doing what he does best. In fact, his last experiment with Maggi Oats Masala, endorsed by Madhuri Dixit was such a hit that Haryana khaps have refused to support a diktat by a khap of Muzaffarnagar (Uttar Pradesh) that banned the use of mobile phones and wearing of jeans by unmarried girls. Girls have equal rights as boys, Haryana khaps have conceded.

Shivaji is now looking for a new Rakhi sister. It’s been long since he clicked a selfie.




49 comments:

  1. Hahaha!!!! Satire and humor at its best. Another classic piece Purba. Though the movie isn't all that bad ;)

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  2. Taste mein best, Purba's satire and Everest :)

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  3. A nice dig at the existing state of affairs and to match Mardaani that has been exempted entertainment tax in the land of tigers/MP:)

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    1. I think it got a tax exempt in UP as well.

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  4. Role reversal and and a story laced with trenchant wit. I wouldn't mind Shivaji aka Janani in Haryana. Much better than the insensitive Mards we have.

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    1. Personally I feel we need more Janaanis than Mards.

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  5. And what an honorable title to be blessed with -- Janani. Loved the witty tale. Every pun was hilarious. Enjoyed this one.

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  6. All the puns and satires were excellent...! 'Ineligible bachelors in BEST Bengal !! ' Laughed at that one :D

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    1. Hehe...according to most Bongs, Bengal is still the best.

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  7. Classic Purba post, with satire at its peak!! :) Keep them coming!!

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    1. I'm glad you enjoyed it, Narayani.

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  8. Aah the Janaani every cop should be :D Typical Purba post :)

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    1. Ha...I had so much fun writing this one.

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  9. It is sad that we don't do anything till someone of our own gets into trouble. Hoping for more cops like him but less unfortunate Munnis.

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    1. All problems are trivial as long as they are not ours.

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  10. And a new era in movie reviews and roles and responsibilities of Khaps and CAAPS has started.

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    1. desi version of COPS :) was just trying to rhyme it with Khaps..

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  11. Funny.. Honestly,I liked Mardaani and Cop was good

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    1. So did I. But I wish they had chosen a better title.

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  12. Wonderful!
    Got the mango chutney. Will dig into it soon...and the review. ...that too soon

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  13. Hai hai...kya baat hi? was not thinking you were writing a movie review...need to be bright minded...my tube light didn't light :P

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    1. Not a movie review, just scripting my version :p

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  14. You should add a foot note, conceptualized and conceived via Twitter chat! This would be the first blog of that kind (and I ll claim my not-so-rightful creative share too :D :D )
    Funny post! Pitch it the Sajids, Khan or Nadiawala, and they will make it, with added songs and a few pets !

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    1. You'd be surprised, how many of my posts are inspired by my tweets and chats!

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  15. Who could deliver this but you. Satire at its best.

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    1. You are always generous with your praise :-)

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  16. right .. I wrote a big comment you know me .. and what happens it does not go through , so i am typing it all over again :)

    shivaji rao did good, BUT will this really happen of will anyone ever do is something ot be seen ...

    I am myself going ot go and see the movie tonight , the only thing that influenced my decision to see it was the title.. I just want to see what is it that makes a woman MARDAANI.. because I have a different view of what a MARD or a MARDAANI should be ..

    There are movies that are being made which are good and have a lesson to be learnt or at LEAST HEARD from.. but the problem is the public which goes to see it comes out saying RANI looked beautiful , of that soong was good or that scenery was good .. at least that is my experience ..

    It is a sad world we live in where all is good till it is happening to everone but you.. that is when we wake up and want to do something..

    reminds me of the famous sholay dialogue "GABBAR se ek hi aadmi bacha sakta hai KHUD GABBAR" .. same story our nation can only be saved by one , US.. if you know what i mean ..

    Bikram's

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    1. Well, Rani did not look beautiful. She look like a cop and thankfully the movie had no songs.

      And blogger is doing its best to drive away me readers who comment :/

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  17. I have yet to see a jannani in a mard--i mean without taxing my brain too much i cannot recollect any.Perhaps they exist here and there.

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    1. I think we call them metrosexual.

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  18. YO! to the Janaanis. May their tribe be conceived and spread! Couldn't stop laughing on ditching the pagdis and dhotis for jeans to air the right part of the body!!

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    1. But I do think its a good idea :p

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  19. :-D...great satire Purba.."Best" bengal..hehe...

    The film is not that bad..but frankly speaking...I didn't like the title... Hi5 for Janaanis... :-)

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    1. East or Bhest, Bengal is the Best.

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  20. ROFL! You know what, I want to watch the movie now and laugh remembering your post :P Btw loved the reference to falling in love with fish. Only true blood Bengalis, Goans and Mallus could use it :D

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  21. Would you believe it if I told you I'm not so fond of fish?

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  22. Hilarious post. Only you can get these ideas. Loved it.

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  23. When is Janaani releasing. I would love to watch it. Please tell me you are working on the movie script

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    1. Do you have anyone in mind who could play the lead?

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