Tuesday, August 5, 2014

Why Is The Fair Sex So Unfair?


Courtesy - Google images
 

Ever since man stood straight and ventured out of his cave, he has accused the fairer sex of being unfair. He claims she’s unfair by insisting on being so complicated. He wonders, if she has so many buttons he can push that make her fly off the handle or make her blush and mumble inanities, where the fuck is the instruction manual? He claims he became bald pulling his hair in frustration, wondering why her eyes became moist on their most romantic night and why she laughed so hard when he dropped the gravy all over the couch that she loves adorning with silly cushions and rugs. He was going to join in her laughter but stopped when he saw the maniacal glint in her eyes.

He thinks he’s manly, while she accuses him of behaving like a baby in constant need of her care. But that doesn’t stop her from mothering and fussing over his ‘bad habits’. What she thinks is mothering, he sees it as smothering. What he sees as protective, she sees as suffocating.

She never tires of complaining of his bad memory. But pray, why should he bother remembering when she has maintained a database of all his so called misdeeds. A database with unlimited storage that has no delete button but has an instant recall feature, which incidentally is very handy to leave him speechless in the midst of a heated argument! Just as he’s settling on the couch with Dorritos and beer to watch the most awaited match of the year, she chooses to recall in that annoying quivering voice of hers that fateful day, 17 August 2001, when he was glued to the TV while she was coughing away to glory. She has the memory of an elephant but when he tells her she’s looking like one in that new dress of hers, she springs upon him like a panther.

It’s as if they were born to disagree.

It wasn’t always like this. Once upon a time she was coy and had that ‘you-are-my-hero’ look in her eyes. She didn’t care that the toilet seat was wet, the drain clogged with his hair and the toothpaste cap was always missing. She used to call him the best husband in the world till she started comparing notes with her friends. Damn it, is it my fault that Latika’s husband insists on making the morning tea and gets flowers for her every Thursday? You can’t stop cursing Amish who serenades his girlfriend with poetry! But when you decide to turn the tables on her and gush about Smita’s gorgeous mane and Amisha’s sumptuous Mutton pasanda, she gives you the injured look that gives you no choice but to apologise profusely for your insensitivity.

It takes you some time to discover that while she never says no to your helpful advice and suggestions, she still goes ahead and does it her way. But if you decide to go against her wishes, she’ll sulk and make you feel guilty.


She moans and rolls her eyes every time she sees you in your favourite pair of jeans that were once blue and fit you perfectly. But you’ve made up your mind. This time I’ll show her who the man of the house is and refuse to part with it. She doesn’t say a thing. And one fine day, your most loved possession along with your most favourite superman tee and the softest ever pair of boxers are missing! When you confront her, all she does is flutter her lashes. But dare you say that she looks ugly in that sack of hers that she insists on calling nightwear, she sighs loudly and says – who cares, it gives me more space than you ever did!

He blames her of trying to change him, she counters it with – but I’m simply trying to customise you according to my taste! When you ask her, where was that taste when you looked deep into my eyes and exclaimed – darling, you’re the best thing that ever happened to me! She replies with a smug smile – I also said ‘after I’m done with the necessary modifications’ but only under my breath.

Now that you’ve promised to love her till her last breath and expanding breadth – you try to be the sensitive man of her dreams. These days you don’t throw that wet towel on the floor but fold it neatly on the bed. You may still not get it, why everything in the house should have their assigned places, yet, you try to humour her by keeping the scissors in the left hand corner of the 3rd drawer from the bottom. You have started recognising the signs of an inevitable showdown just from the tone of her voice and the flickering of her eyelids and hurriedly say, you’re right, darling even before she begins talking. You listen quietly as she recounts the bitchy ways of her friends and smile understandingly as you replay the highlights of last night’s match in your head. Thank God, she still can’t peek inside that head of yours.

You have long accepted that you’re free to do whatever she wants but that doesn’t does stop you from saying, I’ll be home in 10 minutes and saunter in two hours later. These days she doesn’t look that upset. She has Facebook to take care of her needs. It never lets her forget her friends’ birthdays, never tires of calling her beautiful and gorgeous and even makes sure she gets friendship requests from random men from all over the world.

Admit it, you miss those days when you were the centre of her universe. And now that you are free, you don’t know what to do with it. 

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66 comments:

  1. LOL!!! This is so true!!!! And hilarious too!! Unlimited database part- I admit that I have one. The annoying moments are buffered for ready reference while the good things he did were archived long ago!!!

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    1. I LOVED how you put it, Anita - The annoying moments are buffered for ready reference while the good things he did were archived long ago!

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  2. A very apt post as I put myself in your shoes, perspective:) Has all the rough edges... but went through like a knife in soft butter, Purba:)

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    1. Ouch! I hope the knife didn't hurt too much.

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  3. "who cares, it gives me more space than you ever did!" :D

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  4. The poor guys they do have it bad dont they :-)

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  5. Ha ha. " I am simply trying to customize you according to my taste." Amazing how you interpret relationships with your wit.

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    1. I have most fun writing such pieces :-)

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  6. haha...this post reminds me of what my husband does when he walks bare feet in the house and suddenly realizes that I've noticed him so he runs to grab his slippers to avoid listening to my lecture of climbing on the bed with dirt on his feet...

    Too good Purba!

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    1. I had problems with him throwing chocolate wrappers and medicine foil on the floor.These days he keeps them on the table for me to throw :p

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  7. he he he he oooops .. the wonders of facebook i say he he he. and i liked that say 10 minutes and not come back for 2 hours .. well we the men have a lot to do and see even the 2 hours seems like 10 minutes :)

    but it did remind me of one thing oh yes those blue jeans that are not blue anymore and i dont need a belt to hold them tight :) that's like OUCH moment he he he he

    Nice one purba mam... made me smile

    Bikram's

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    1. Thanks for reading, Bikram :-)

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  8. Its almost like telling him that you have changed over the years---not realizing it is you have changed him

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    1. If it's for the better the credit goes to her. The worse part is his doing.

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  9. You just made me pity all married men and the boyfriends out there :P We aren't so bad are we?? :P

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    1. Of course not! We are angels in disguise.

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  10. ROFL ! Amazingly accurate. "The nightwear gives me more space than you ever did " takes the cake !
    Yes, FB sure has displaced almost everything in our life except of course, self-obsession :) If anything, it has unleashed the narcissistic monster in us.

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    1. FB simply reiterates what we knew all along - we are the centre of everyone's universe :p

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  11. unfortunately the husband never had those days when he was centre of universe....so we are working our way backwards n appreciate how better the other has got!!

    nice writeup

    http://www.myunfinishedlife.com

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  12. Right observations here.
    Unfortunately, the FB obsession has terrible consequences too.
    Recently, a home-maker was murdered in Kolkata by her FB-'friend'.
    Pity the families of those (males & females) who have such dangerous friends...

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    Replies
    1. Oh Anita, now I know why you are hesitating to respond to my email - ha ha ha :)

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    2. It's a terrible tragedy, Anita. I guess it helps not sharing too much on Facebook.

      @Vidhya - LOL

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    3. @Vidhya Not at all! You are a dear friend! :)

      @Purba Very true. We need to be careful. 'Lakshman-Rekha' required online to protect ourselves from Modern-Day Ravanas...

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  13. nice post. All human beings are attention seekers one way or another :)

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    1. There are a few who shy away from attention :-)

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  14. Hilarious post, you made me pity the poor men. :P

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    1. In an equal relationship, the husband and wife both pity themselves :p

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  15. "you’ve promised to love her till her last breath and expanding breadth" :-D :-D

    You've unveiled a serious issue humourously ....Facebook addiction is a nuisance along with Whatsapp

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    1. WhatsApp brings out the Manmohan SIngh in me :p

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  16. Quite a database-that!These small things add to the spice of life.
    It is heartening to be reassured that this happens to everyone.

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    1. Indu,when we got married, one of the first things we decided was never to drag the past in our arguments. It has worked perfectly for us so far :-)

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  17. Lol I don't miss those day! :D Loved reading this! :D

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  18. You really made me pity them :). Each one of your quotes is so true. I am hiding this one from my husband :).

    Blogger is still not letting me comment from my google account on some blogs, hence the WP login :/.

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    Replies
    1. Geez, the intent was to make us look bad so that our men feel good about themselves :p

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  19. Ha ha I so wish my husband reads this post. Loved it Purba

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    1. I don't think he'll like it :p

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  20. Hahaha! SO, when someone said "Marriage is a process of finding out what sort of person your wife would have preferred to marry", he was right? :)

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  21. I wish someone writes a post about men's perspective too.. :D Loved reading this.

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    1. Of course! Waiting for a guy to come up with his version.

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  22. humorous post, reminds me of my marriage. Enjoyed reading it. Do come up with the men's perspective also. :)

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    Replies
    1. Ah, will have to nag the husband to write his sob story.

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  23. A must read for men who are totally confused and for women who want to enjoy a good laugh and feel good.

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    1. Strangely, I didn't see many men commenting.Perhaps this post left them dumbfounded :D

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  24. A database memory, I do have but of his misdeeds. Ask me where I kept my phone or wallet and you got me thinking. The husband comes in rescue for that;)

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    1. I am forever looking for my misplaced hair clasps :/

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  25. "after I'm done with the necessary modifications" :D scene stealer.

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  26. When I read such posts by you, I really, really wonder why people marry in the first place! Your posts should be mandatory reading in school! :D

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    Replies
    1. People marry so that they can blame each other for all their troubles :D

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  27. I simply loved the ending! It is so true :)

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  28. That is it......I am never falling in love or be in a relationship ever.
    Also, majority of the Indians eat Lays or Uncle Chips......Dorritos is only had by the snobs living in Gurgaon apartments.

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    1. May live happily ever after with your packet of Garam Masala Uncle Chips.

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  29. All the men are going to love you for writing this post :P And the women....just nod...in agreement though ;) What else can they do when it's the truth after all?

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    1. Hehehe...The truth is always bitter.

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  30. Haha! A fresh perspective on the battle of sexes. Guess, there are certain things they will never agree to. The great Mars vs Venus fight redefined.

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    1. The biggest problem is the clash of maturity. Men have to wait till they turn 43 to start behaving like mature adults.

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  31. Well, this post has 2 sides. If I see it as one isolated case, I will be rooting for the woman but if someone generalizes the conclusions, it's an entirely different ball game. Very interesting paradox! :)

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  32. That ending punch just made me laugh out LOUD
    hahahhaha - is all I can say . Good lesson for him :P and ye to kahani har ghar ki hai

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  33. We do need an instruction manual dont we ? Hilarious post Purba

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