Thursday, September 4, 2014

Al-Qaeda poised to launch itself as KFC of Terror Outfits




Courtesy - Google Images


Fugitive Al-Qaeda commander Ayman al-Zawahari announced the formation of a new wing of the feared terrorist group dedicated to waging jihad in the Indian subcontinent. This announcement comes close at the heels of Love-Jehad, a conspiracy waged by Muslim men faking love to get Hindu women to convert to their religion. Dismissing allegations that Muslim men are capable of love, Zawahari said “I call upon all unemployed Muslim men in India to join hands with us and spread hate”. “After all, this is our area of specialization”.

Al-Qaeda that has locations in Kabul, Jalalabad and Kandahar is on an expansion spree and has promised to open its branches in Burma, Kashmir, Bangladesh. Their new branches will offer special privileges like intensive training in duck and hide, hide bomb in garbage cans, how to survive in caves on a rat diet for its members. Their employee of the month will get an all-expense paid trip to Jannat and a night out with 72 virgins. Enquiries regarding the sex of the virgins were met with stoic silence.

Prospective employees have been requested to send their resumes attached to a hand grenade to HR manager Al-Gebra and email their latest unshaven mugshot to publicity and image manager, Al-Bum. Selected candidates will be made to clear stage two of the screening process – spot the drone. Only those who survive will be invited to join this prestigious organisation. Perks include undercover travel to foreign locations.

After losing their Lady Gaga status to ISIS, the organization that specializes in beheading innocent journalists and hiring terrorists with British accents, Al-Qaeda with its many wings hopes to become the KFC of terror outfits. As such only bucket cases enrol to be part of their esteemed organisation.

Al-Coholic, Al-Qaeda’s Spiritual Manager, announced plans to come out with a new fashion line featuring Beloved Leader Osama Laden’s favourite long sleeved, one piece dress that will be available in two colours - dirty and yellowed black. This garment is specially designed to keep Jehadis cool and collected. Anyone who buys more than a dozen Thowbs will be given beloved leader’s porn collection for free.


We’ll be soon coming out with our Adopt a Terrorist campaign, added Al-i-Mony, Al-Qaeda’s Finance Manager. Terrorists past their expiry date will be auctioned on eBay to raise funds for Let’s Kill Those Infidels program. All terrorists will come with a complimentary owner’s manual with detailed instructions on how to care for them. Since all of them have limited social skills and are extremely violent, owners will be eligible for a 20% discount at Ya-Allah Self-Defence Academy.

Counter-terrorism experts say that this a desperate attempt for publicity by Al Qaeda's aging leaders who are struggling to compete for recruits with rival Islamist groups in Syria.

It is learnt from credible sources that ISIS will be beheading one of its own commanders to show Al-Qaeda who the boss is.

In the meantime, the Indian government has issued a directive to all its ministers to prepare speeches condemning terror attacks in the strongest words possible.







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53 comments:

  1. This is seriously brilliant. Was your morning coffee sweetened with sarcasm honey? Am re-reading it again. Really brilliant

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    Replies
    1. Blame Al-Qaeda :p

      And thank you so much. Hope you were not being sarcastic :p

      Delete
  2. LOL...I loved this line the most: " Enquiries regarding the sex of the virgins were met with stoic silence." :P

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  3. Well,well ,only you could have transformed these two terror outfits into a laughing stock. Jeete raho :)
    Btw i was just imagining a scenario where both of them turn against each other and all of them are smashed to bits.Someone should maneuver this.

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    Replies
    1. Agree Indu. That is the best case scenario.

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    2. Wouldn't that be wonderful! They enter a Behead each other challenge and we end up saying bye bye to terror.

      Delete
  4. Dear Purba,
    When I saw the title, I thought what can one possibly write on this topic. I can't think of anyone else who could have written this piece.
    Scintillating satire with a brilliant word play.
    Your fan
    Al -ka

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    Replies
    1. Yah Al-lah, I feel blessed.

      One of those rare days when my wicked grey cells wake up fro their slumber.

      Thank you, I am your biggest fan.

      Delete
  5. Really outstanding. Really love the way you have turned the whole situation, great narration. I'm actually fed up of reading all these terror news day in and day out, this must have been the only one I read in months. ;) :)

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    Replies
    1. If you can't beat them, start making fun of them. Believe me, its a great stress reliever!

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  6. This was out of the world amazing, Purba. The reality is sad but, as someone said above, this is probably the best way to deal with people like them. The way you have picked points- locations, resume, virgins, Al-Coholic, is simply brilliant.

    This should come with a disclaimer, Not Fit To Be Read in Office! Trust me, a brown man reading something with names of terror outfits and literally LOLing in an office in USA, could be potentially harmful ! :D

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    1. Written by a brown woman in Australia. Oh, the irony!

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  7. Brilliant is slowly becoming a rather tame word to use for your posts. This was awesome.
    Read this just after I read today's paper which talks about a Pakistani Cricketer telling Dilshan Tilakratne of Sri lanka as he was walking off the field that he should convert to Islam. Believe it or not the reason given was "regardless of what you do on Earth, in our religion you are guaranteed a place in heaven"

    It had almost spoiled my morning when I opened your post to read, I am so glad I did.. you just helped me laugh it off and make my morning much brighter than what it was :)

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    Replies
    1. I wonder if heaven has a reservation quota for devout Muslims? If that's the case, I prefer stewing in hell. At least, I'll be in company of the like minded.

      And thanks, Seeta. *does a happy jig*

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  8. This was really outstanding, Purba. The word play was amazing. Biting sarcasm. Al-Bum, Al-Gebra -- I was laughing all the way.

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    1. Lol...it was such fun writing this.

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  9. Absolutely wonderful post. Every paragraph is hard hitting..but I hope the wanna be Virgin lovers get more clarity on the sex of the Virgins.... ( That idea could change recruitment process altogether )

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    Replies
    1. Virgin lovers do not get to fly Virgin Airways. How sad is that?

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  10. My reaction: soft laugh and nodding my head all through....I am still laughing....KFC of terrorism!!! That was some original piece. The language, the sattire OMG, Resumes attached with hand grenade!! what creativity!! I am toh your Fan AAjse

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    Replies
    1. Praise the lord. You will soon be receiving a thank you note attached to a hand grenade.

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  11. I hope this post doesn't go viral and reach you-dont-want-to-know-whos of the world

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  12. Oh my *insert word here according to taste and religion*! The names of their fungitive leaders are amazing! But I often wonder, what perks, other than the 72 virgins, lure innocent lads into it? now that there are competitors in the market, and Al-Qaeda isn't the only one tipping the Virgin lore, this indeed could be a disruptive innovation in terrorism market.

    Very amusing read! Just hope no letter of appointment or of application reaches your house post this :D

    Cheers,
    Blasphemous Aesthete

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    Replies
    1. I better start growing a beard, just in case I receive a call from Al-Qaeda.

      Delete
  13. I admire your ability to weave humour out of terror too. Wonderful write up.

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  14. This is a master piece :) No one could write humor and satire out of terrorism :)

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    Replies
    1. On a serious note, I do hope the government beefs up its security. We've had enough of innocents dying.

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  15. For me the cracker was, "Employee of the month"...LOL!

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  16. And the thing is, all of what you've said is true. The Delhi branch is already grenade testing in Lajpat Nagar Central Market and Greater Kailash M Block. I am not complaining because I am looking forward to all the freed parking space there.

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    1. I chuckled so loud when I read your comment. This is Delhi, where your life boils down to wading for hours through traffic to get to a place that's out of parking space.

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  17. Brilliant satire ! You definitely got out the right side of the bed the day you wrote this :)

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    Replies
    1. It was one my busiest days yet I managed to snatch a few hours to write this :-)

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  18. The news well twisted to change the flavour of looking at the topic. Brilliant Purba.

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    Replies
    1. I am delighted that you liked this.

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  19. I think you just launched the sarcasm rocket ... brilliant Purba!

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    Replies
    1. Hehehe..hopefully there were no casualties.

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  20. have they come out with some market shares? last heard " Komedy with Kap el " has been approached for prime time and "kaun banega ugarwadi " is also going on line soon to be hosted by ABr " sir ab bachkeh rahena" phew what did u have for lunch??

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    Replies
    1. Laughing loud at - Kaun banega ugrawadi :D

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  21. A brilliant post! :D
    The names reminded me of René Goscinny and the British satire group Monty Python.

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  22. Standing ovation ..Purba! I am speechless.
    Wish I had the will-power to go on a rat-diet myself, without hiding in a cave of course :)

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    Replies
    1. May Allah give you the will-power.

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  23. *Guffawing* and still *guffawing*...Just this morning I was pacifying my paranoid daughter sitting for her math exam today whose waterloo is algebra and then I read this piece with another Al- Gebra! Good Lord! What a post on terrorists! And that Beheading Game! Could we send this to them anonymously?

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    Replies
    1. Hehehe. Algebra has to be the most misunderstood monster.

      Delete
  24. Lovely satire on terror, Purba! The names you gave speak of how your brilliant mind works:) Got late in reading this one!

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    1. And my comments section feels incomplete without you making an appearance in it :-)

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  25. he he he ALTHOUGH I must say the lines you wrote about LOVE Jihad.. that is true.. there is a a movement to do just that .. I am in process of writing a post on that , just trying to get some figures here .. once i have will put it .

    It is a genuine threat and not to be thought of casually ..

    and as always a perfect post to read on a mondya morning to get those monday blues out of the mind and have a hearty smile and start work :)
    Bikram's

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    1. I'm sure it exists but is it really a threat?

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  26. Hahaha, cannot stop laughing!! this is brilliantly written with masterful choice of words!!!

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