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Fugitive Al-Qaeda commander Ayman al-Zawahari announced the formation of a new wing of the feared terrorist group dedicated to waging jihad in the Indian subcontinent. This announcement comes close at the heels of Love-Jehad, a conspiracy waged by Muslim men faking love to get Hindu women to convert to their religion. Dismissing allegations that Muslim men are capable of love, Zawahari said “I call upon all unemployed Muslim men in India to join hands with us and spread hate”. “After all, this is our area of specialization”.
Al-Qaeda that has locations in Kabul, Jalalabad and Kandahar is on an expansion spree and has promised to open its branches in Burma, Kashmir, Bangladesh. Their new branches will offer special privileges like intensive training in duck and hide, hide bomb in garbage cans, how to survive in caves on a rat diet for its members. Their employee of the month will get an all-expense paid trip to Jannat and a night out with 72 virgins. Enquiries regarding the sex of the virgins were met with stoic silence.
Prospective employees have been requested to send their resumes attached to a hand grenade to HR manager Al-Gebra and email their latest unshaven mugshot to publicity and image manager, Al-Bum. Selected candidates will be made to clear stage two of the screening process – spot the drone. Only those who survive will be invited to join this prestigious organisation. Perks include undercover travel to foreign locations.
After losing their Lady Gaga status to ISIS, the organization that specializes in beheading innocent journalists and hiring terrorists with British accents, Al-Qaeda with its many wings hopes to become the KFC of terror outfits. As such only bucket cases enrol to be part of their esteemed organisation.
Al-Coholic, Al-Qaeda’s Spiritual Manager, announced plans to come out with a new fashion line featuring Beloved Leader Osama Laden’s favourite long sleeved, one piece dress that will be available in two colours - dirty and yellowed black. This garment is specially designed to keep Jehadis cool and collected. Anyone who buys more than a dozen Thowbs will be given beloved leader’s porn collection for free.
We’ll be soon coming out with our Adopt a Terrorist campaign, added Al-i-Mony, Al-Qaeda’s Finance Manager. Terrorists past their expiry date will be auctioned on eBay to raise funds for Let’s Kill Those Infidels program. All terrorists will come with a complimentary owner’s manual with detailed instructions on how to care for them. Since all of them have limited social skills and are extremely violent, owners will be eligible for a 20% discount at Ya-Allah Self-Defence Academy.
Counter-terrorism experts say that this a desperate attempt for publicity by Al Qaeda's aging leaders who are struggling to compete for recruits with rival Islamist groups in Syria.
It is learnt from credible sources that ISIS will be beheading one of its own commanders to show Al-Qaeda who the boss is.
In the meantime, the Indian government has issued a directive to all its ministers to prepare speeches condemning terror attacks in the strongest words possible.