Tuesday, September 16, 2014

The Mad Hatters Party



Miss Tee had a life altering experience when she attended her cousin's birthday party.





Disclaimer: The following is based on a true story, though the author may have been liberal in her use of the poetic license.

One of the many revelations that accompany adulthood is a growing appreciation of your parents. It is when you live on your own that you realize that clothes don’t pick themselves off the floor, that bills don’t pay themselves. Our parents have seen some serious shit, literally as well as figuratively.

Let’s give some context: the setting is a pretty little café near North Campus. Paper lanterns and arty mosaics adorn the walls. In the midst of this semi-bourgeois environment, clustered in a corner, a microcosm. It is a birthday party for a newly-minted 5 year-old. The table is encircled with mothers and their volley of children, and in the corner is little ol’ me, my possessions held close to my chest. Even as laughter erupts from the other end, the drooling demon baby seated on the table sends my phone flying from my hands and onto the floor, where it falls with a sickening crunch. There is one behind me, climbing my chair and one across me, chocolate smearing its face like war paint. The scene is strangely reminiscent of a horror film, gurgling laughter and satanic screams, emitted at a volume and pitch that seems disproportionate to the tiny body that is the source. The banshee-child’s friend suddenly starts a hip-hop routine on the floor, at which point its mother runs in, shouting apologies and dragging it off.

The Mad Hatter’s Tea Party is a cakewalk (though why anyone would walk on a cake is beyond me) in comparison. I feel as though all of those women are a little mad, their tired eyes screaming for help, switching between cursorily scolding their children and laughing raucously at one of those Whatsapp jokes.

“But I don’t want to go among mad people," Alice remarked.
"Oh, you can’t help that," said the Cat: "we’re all mad here. I’m mad. You’re mad."
"How do you know I’m mad?" said Alice.
"You must be," said the Cat, "or you wouldn’t have come here.”
― Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland


*Uhh, so where was I? Oh yeah-*

As I sit in my corner (a different one from where I started, primarily because I wasn’t sure my phone would survive the demon child) in a trance-like state, a terrifying thought crosses my mind- Will I become one of these women? Will my life devolve into a series of mad tea parties? Most importantly- will I have to dress like a hermit for 8 years? A shiver runs down my spine and I look down at my pretty orange dress, a blood-red tiny fingerprint staining the fabric. The delicious tomato-based condiment that I knew and loved took on a sinister symbolism. And then an even more terrifying thought- Was I one of these children?

I learnt a few important lessons that day.

One- Children are bloody scary, and people should refrain from having them for as long as possible.

Two- There is no way I’m spending a chunk of my life cleaning puke stains from my clothes, crayon stains from walls and chocolate stains from demon baby faces.

Three- Appreciate the fact that your mum managed to stay more or less sane despite the ordeal you put her through. Seriously. Maybe also get her an appointment with a psychologist.

And finally, never, ever go to a kid’s birthday party.

Top post on IndiBlogger.in, the community of Indian Bloggers


46 comments:

  1. Wait....what.....it took you such a long time to realise that babies are demons! :O

    They are physically weak but torture you mentally....they can sense your fear.....the banshee like scream is used to call evil spirits, that is the reason why you feel a cold shiver down your spine.

    I am just glad you survived.

    P.S. Dogs are better.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ah, such exaggeration. They're not half bad one-on-one.

      P.S Not everybody feels that way.

      Delete
  2. PPS - Wait....have they transformed you? Are you one of them now? By the end of the day, were you throwing tantrums and screaming while eating chocolate like the way they eat it in ads for Cadbury's Silk?
    *Horrified* *backs away slowly* *grabs an axe* *leaves axe* *grabs a shotgun*

    ReplyDelete
  3. Well, the golden rule of my life has been that kids are adorable as long as they belong to others. :)
    Loved reading this one!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Ha Ha Ha Ha Miss T and Ishaan will get along like house on fire. He thinks anyone wanting to have kids needs to be locked up in a mental home.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. :D
      Though I'd twist that to say you need to have some solid mental foundations to go through raising a child and remain sane.

      Delete
  5. I totally agree with "And finally, never, ever go to a kid’s birthday party."

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes. But it makes for excellent blog post fodder.

      Delete
  6. Haven't been to a kiddy birthday party lately but I know what you are saying. Can be a nightmare if you aren't used to having kids around.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Had one. And stopped at that. And now that he is 16, (of course a completely different ball game) I steer away from bawling bundles of joy. My biggest nightmare is sitting next to a mom with a toddler, in a flight.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hahaha, I always though having a child of your own would be like a vaccine- makes you immune to the terrors of screaming toddlers :P

      Delete
  8. Every mother goes through this.
    You will one day

    ReplyDelete
  9. Well Tee,these things come in a package.You too will sail through just like your mom did-bless you.

    This was a fab read.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Haha! I recently wrote a post on going to a kids birthday party. It is indeed a nightmare and somehow makes you not want to have kids, ever. Actually, I can go on and on on this but then 'kids are so adorable' and I don't want hate mails!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. For every opinion, there are a thousand oppositions. *sigh*
      Honestly, I'm kinda semi-enthusiastic when it comes to kids.

      Delete
  11. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  12. If attending one inspires this post, imagine hosting one...* shudder*

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh god no.
      Reason 137 to refrain from having kids.

      Delete
  13. Having kids is definitely not for the fainthearted! :P

    ReplyDelete
  14. Chalo, at least it helped you admire your parents more :).

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yep. Been having revelations like this ever since I moved out.

      Delete
  15. I'm still in my early twenties, but I have this insanely insightful conclusion on my observations, that children these days are way more extrovert, way more daring, and way more scary than they used to be. I wasn't scared as much with a senior year bully from school, than I'm with the next-door 10-year-old "Mintu", who insists on calling me uncle. Damn, you fueled my smartphone-breaking-nightmare even further!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I don't know if that's the case. Every individual is different.
      I think they just live in a more media-saturated world- TV, smartphones et al which might give that impression.
      #JournalismStudentMusings

      Delete
  16. It was fun to read and as a smart mom(I would like to believe that), I made my kids read this post so that they find that respect for all the things I do for them; including the painful and nerve racking birthday parties.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Anything that makes one realize the pains with which the parents have raised them was well worth that effort and am sure your parents will feel proud of you for that, Trisha!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. True true. They assure me I wasn't a nightmare child (or maybe they're just being nice).

      Delete
  18. oh ya. i used to think so .. until I had one of my own who now terrorizes others :P A fun read.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And so the cycle of terror continues :P

      Delete
  19. How exciting! What exactly do you intend to do with your life in the meanwhile? Nothing serious here, I'm just looking for options that might come in handy when Kingdom comes :D

    Cheers,
    Blasphemous Aesthete

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Uhm, study I guess. Get a job. Buy a house. The usual :)

      Delete
  20. I am the last kid in my family (in my generation) and so when a few kids were home with their parents, I couldnt wait for them to leave because they were causing a mess and threatening to damage my cherished belongings. Sigh!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. They're ok on their own (mostly), but put a bunch of kids together and they become scary as hell.

      Delete
  21. Ha ha ! You arrived at the conclusion pretty early in life I must say :) Most of us come to the conclusion once we are staring down the throat of a wailing baby !

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. :P
      Let's just say I've had a lot of time to observe the paradoxes of motherhood.

      Delete
  22. I am always the Bully at a kid's birthday party. They stopped inviting me. -_-

    ReplyDelete
  23. I laughed the loudest at the part where you called your mum sane. You have a wicked pen, my dear!

    I kid, of course! Delightful, this post. That the apple hasn't fallen far from the tree is resoundingly clear!

    ReplyDelete
  24. My first child was extremely active, not always in a good way. I apologized to strangers so often that I should have just hung a placard around my neck that said "I am so sorry for whatever my child just did to you!"
    Great post.

    ReplyDelete

Psst... let me know what you are thinking.

LinkWithin

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...