Tuesday, November 25, 2014

It’s your Birthday, make it 75 feet large



A cake so ugly that you can have your cake and eat it too

It was a celebration that the Kingdom of UP Yours will remember for the rest of their wretched lives. After all it was not their money that was used to fund the grandiose birthday celebrations of their Mulayam King, the one who refuses to retire. Reports that the horse driven Victorian style buggy used by the king and his merry men to ride to the venue of the celebrations has been imported from London, is nothing but bullshit being churned out by the good-for-nothing-press besotted with Emperor Modi. If unreliable sources are to be believed, Fairy Godmother Azam Khan had turned the pumpkins leftover from Halloween celebrations into Mulayam’s sparkly carriage. The horses were Fairy Azam’s lost and found Jersey buffaloes in makeup.

The procession was a sight to behold as it passed like wind through 200 welcome gates, especially erected with flowers. Bunches of red and white balloons were strung on spruced up roads, while the surroundings glittered with electric lights. King Mulayam looked luminescent in his pristine white dhoti and kurta specially designed for the occasion. The subjects, who only read about development in full page newspaper ads but have yet to see any, were seen applauding wildly, their chests swelled up with pride.

So what if the land of UP Yours is steeped in poverty, at least their rulers are rolling in riches. Also, this was the first time they had seen so many electric bulbs burning for so long without any power cut.

Nobles, serfs and rascals of the Yadav clan had all assembled to be part of the cake cutting ceremony. Since size is all that matters to men, unlike women who are content with 3.5 inches as long as it looks like a credit card, the cake was as big as the King’s ego. King Mulayam had to swing from a rope from the ceiling to cut the 75 feet cake.


The cake will be distributed to all the starving Dalits who hosted Prince Rahul’s last supper.  The rest can imagine themselves licking the colourful cream off the cake while watching the live telecast of the celebrations on the free laptops distributed by heir in waiting, Prince Akhilesh. Mulayam King had earlier blamed the free laptops for his dipping popularity that had plunged lower than Sunny Leone's neckline.. He had claimed that Modi had put his face and speeches on the laptops thus erasing his many good deeds from the public's fickle memory.

It’s suspected, this urge to make it large was triggered by Emperor Modi’s attention seeking ploys to grab headlines and hearts of the masses. If Modi can fly to distant lands, shake hands with its leaders, and win the hearts of patriotic NRIs by telling them to stay out the country – just keep sending the money – why can’t Mulayam sashay into the nation’s heart in his recycled Pumpkin?

In the not so distant past, that the King had endeared himself to the youth by showing his Mulayam corner for rapists by pledging his undying love and support for their galtis. 

The cake ceremony was followed by the Royal Balls, where Mulayam King effortlessly trampled on toes on the dance floor, taking everyone’s breath away. The party carried on till the wee hours. Strangely, the King left as if he had diarrhoea the moment the clock struck 12.

It is now learnt that in his rush to exit, King Mulayam dropped a screw from his head. The police force that gives stiff completion to the hardened criminals of UP Yours would surely know where to search for Mulayam’s missing screw. 

They were last seen haunting the many bars in the NCR sniffing screwdrivers.







57 comments:

  1. King should also invite Kim K. The party will be complete. After the entire Bollywood has danced at his Safai Mahotsav, time for Hollywood.

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    Replies
    1. Kim K in UP will cause riots. Those wretched men wouldn't know what to do with their libidos.

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    2. Haha,i love both rejoinders--carry on girls.

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  2. Haha OMG look at that cake.. Is that paint...or cement?

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  3. nice article. Loved reading it...keep posting with lots more..

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  4. It is beyond repulsive what they are doing in UP.

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    Replies
    1. They make Mayawati look like a saint.

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  5. The post makes me really sad- there is just no hope ever for the state. I've survived through my childhood and teenage there, and it really aches to go back home and see the state of affairs. Ulta Pradesh and King Mulayam have a love-hate relationship. What options do we have- Mulayam and Mayawati- it can't get any worse than this.

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  6. The only thing soft and mulayam about this man and his son is their head. I keep waiting eagerly for a comeuppance - they need one, soon. I hope I am not disappointed.

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    Replies
    1. Maya in her Ma Durga avatar, riding her stoned hathis.

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  7. Heh! Doesn't his side profile resemble a seedy vulture from a disney movie. And if you think about it, so do his antics.
    What will we do without politicians like this......many blogs will have crickets chirping in them.

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  8. ROFL! And Laughing! But on a serious note, what a pathetic spectacle! UP plunging into an abyss!

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    Replies
    1. Just when you think it can't get worse than this.

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  9. Just one word......BER*- Beyond Economic Repair!

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  10. Nicely expressed.
    Sad state. UP state has the word "UP" & all crimes & stupidities like huge cake are going UP...

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    Replies
    1. "Screw dheela hai" & like the song from Ready movie- Character dheela hai! :)

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    2. Screw bhi dheela hai aur character bhi.

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  11. hahah! it cracked me up! amazingly written and very sharply satirical, this is worth reading!

    :)

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  12. lai bhari written...!!! nice post..!!!

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  13. we need not grudge such minor frivolities, just remember all the sacrifices everyone in the family is making for this great country

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  14. Purba this one--your satire--just can't be outclassed.

    I have nothing to say about this father,son;they are digging their own graves.But the public is suffering.

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    Replies
    1. And you are always too kind :-)

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  15. This what we call Betaj Badshah, ( the uncrowned Emperor ) ....but the coup was Azam's buffaloes disguised as horses.. Sill laughing at the magic.... :)

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    Replies
    1. I'm waiting for Azam Khan to change the Taj Mahal into a pumpkin.

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  16. Beyond repulsive,yucky.. nauseous .....

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  17. Really obnoxious.
    And looking at the cake, I wonder if there are no decent cake makers over there.

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  18. Your characteristic wit once again. Wonderfully written about the present day kings.

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  19. A nice post indeed!
    You were not so mulayam when talking about the king :-D

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    Replies
    1. I hope he and his party gets kicked out and he gets the much needed rest.

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  20. Entire Janata of UP was waiting for the King to give doles.It was something like in Brit days when SUBJECTS waited on MASTERS .
    Very well,written piece

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    Replies
    1. He's behind the times but his Australia educated son is no better.

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  21. I saw a billboard which exhorted the need to award dhartipurush Mulayam Singh (irony, but I guess lands are still fertile in UP) with Bharat Bhushan award. I think a 75 footlong cake was necessary to feed his massive appetite called ego.
    Meanwhile, I'm waiting for Moody ji to compliment him for his efforts at 'Swachh Bharat' (one for keeping the safes of people clean, and two for the recycled pumpkins).

    Nice read.

    Cheers,
    Blasphemous Aesthete

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    Replies
    1. More corrupt the leader, the more number of sycophants he'll have.
      Are they demanding Bharat Bhushan or Bharat Ratna?

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    2. 'Ratna', Bharat Ratna. Have a look :D

      http://static.news18.com/pix/2014/08/mmm.jpg

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  22. The humorous twists that you make your words go for brought a smile on this Saturday morning... and reading about 'pumpkins leftover from Halloween celebrations into Mulayam’s sparkly carriage', and that the 'horses were Fairy Azam’s lost and found Jersey buffaloes in makeup'... unbeatable! Ha! Ha!

    Arvind Passey
    www.passey.info

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    Replies
    1. The desperate measures I take to make you all read my posts :D

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  23. Seriously ! Thats one hell of an ugly cake :D

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  24. I was trying to read what was written on the sides of the cake....:D .....God!!! That is definitely an ugly cake and what an article Purba...Loved it :)

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  25. UP Yours...so well put. Sadly we are not even surprised at the impunity with which these thugs rule the most populous state in the country. Move over, Modiji, the real 56 inches chesters live in the palaces of Lucknow.
    Your post was so good that it made me very very sad.

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