Tuesday, November 18, 2014

OMG, Look at that L-Ass

Top post on IndiBlogger.in, the community of Indian Bloggers
Women have come a long way from the days when the sight of a waddling posterior brought out the sniggers and a secret prayer to Goddess to never be that ass. If Nicki Minaj is to be believed, 'his Anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns hun’.

This comes as a big ray of hope for women who spent a sizeable chunk of their life surreptitiously looking behind their back, wondering if their buns were becoming too ripe for comfort. It is a known fact that a woman can’t pass by a glass window or any shining exterior and not turn it into a rear-view mirror. And why not? It’s the only way that the annoying thing that follows us everywhere we go, but visible to the rest of the world, shows its cheeky side to us!

Now that it’s official, having disproportionate assets is the new booty – oversized, fleshy buns instead of drooping with low self-esteem – and they are perking up, cocking a snook at conventions. But here lies the catch. Not every woman with a humongous butt has a great future behind her unless it’s perched behind an already successful diva who loves flashing her twins for the frenzied cameras. A booty that she has nurtured to perfection, pushing it beyond its boundaries and raising it to greater heights. Once she’s raised her butt like her own babies, lavishing it with care and attention, like any doting parent on Facebook, she becomes her twins’ number one fan and expects the rest of the world to fall for their charms.

Just like Kim Kardashian, famous for earning her millions doing nothing. 



In the battle of the asses, with Nicki Minaj and J-Lo butting their way into superstardom, Kim Kardashian decided to break the internet with her ass in tow. Often accused of being talentless, Ms Kardashian proved her detractors wrong by expertly balancing a glass of champagne on her rear-end, raising a toast to herself, even if you pardon photoshop. In her mission to make her rear-end as famous as her front-end, she emerged slathered in oil and little else, on the front-covers of Paper magazine, showcasing her cheeky side that eclipsed world headlines for days. In fact, there was so much oil on her posterior, one couldn’t help but fear for her safety and wonder if America was planning to invade her backyard.
Pic Courtesy - Maa Google


Kardashian is not the first celebrity to bend backwards in her quest for fame. I do however refuse to take a puritan stance and diss her for objectifying herself and in the process, the rest of us. It’s entirely her problem that the ass-fixated public may soon forget what her face looks like. If being comfortable with your own body is flaunting it sans layers of conventions, so be it. But I doubt if making a big ass show of your booty makes it any better for women battling body issues, rather it makes it worse for us lesser mortals. If we had women lusting for Gwyneth’s Paltrow’s flat abs, or Salma Hayek’s perfect rack, we now have legions of ‘anacondas’ and women coveting Kim’s overripe buns.

A few famous bums will certainly not stop us from ridiculing Vidya Balan’s tubby frame or Mrs Mehta’s waddling behind squeezed inside jeans two sizes too small. We’ll continue to take the Kellogg’s K Challenge that promises to make us look like Lara Dutta in just two weeks and will always be a few kilos away from happiness.

On hindsight, Kim Kardashian’s well-oiled PR exercise may have unwittingly proved to be the great equalizer. Her bottoms-up act may have exposed her to a mix of public ridicule, merciless Internet memes and admiration but it also ended up exposing our fascination for the asinine.

Also, she and Kanye and can look deep into each other’s’ eyes and sigh – this ass is mine.


58 comments:

  1. Especially loved the last line, Purba :) Every time I see an article or post about this, I'm reminded of Tina Fey's comment from Bossypants - "All Beyoncé and J-Lo have done is to add to the laundry list of attributes that women must have to qualify as beautiful." These include "Caucasian blue eyes, full Spanish lips, a classic button nose, hairless Asian skin with a California tan . . . long Swedish legs, small Japanese feet, the abs of a lesbian gym owner, the hips of a 9-year-old boy, the arms of Michelle Obama, and doll mammaries The person closest to actually achieving this look is Kim Kardashian, who, as we know, was made by Russian scientists to sabotage our athletes."

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    1. Trust Tina Fey to come with this :D I am happier believing that beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder - statistics be damned.

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  2. Is she real? Or to be precise, Are her butts for real? I mean they look so shiny and full of air :P

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    Replies
    1. Everybody has been asking the same question :p

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    2. I too have been wondering about this. :-P

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  3. The butt fixation and its immense personal PR value to likes of Kim Kardishian,Beyonce , and many more with better hind sights has not even left you Purba to go for a full fledged post on the subject! This butt is no laughing matter or a matter of joke, but to be taken seriously.....:)

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    1. Hehehehe...Humour is very serious business, not be taken lightly :D

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  4. This qualifies as a badass post ! ;)

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  5. Ha ha haha ha ahhahahahaha....
    I could go on laughing at all those double innuendos ...loved the write up Purba :)

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  6. After the pictures I don't even remember what her face looks like. How she walks is a bit of a mystery to me.
    Regardless, you are the star here. Every line is a gem. A perfectly oiled shining piece of magnificence!!!

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    Replies
    1. I had to bang my head a couple of times on the table to get the innuendos flowing.

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  7. Hilarious and scandalous at the same time :D You can only butt other people out by owing one ! I didn't know about Kim's escapades, as I have lately started skipping the TOI supplement.

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    Replies
    1. My fountain of chatpata gossip is Twitter.

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  8. hahah! this is one sixer of a post and I just realized i actually forgot how Kim K's face looks like :P

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    Replies
    1. Don't worry, she's coming to India as a Bigg Boss guest.

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  9. Your wordplay is always formidable, but in this one you have excelled yourself Purba! I go away with a deeper admiration of the prowess of your pen and the capacity of your mind to execute such feats so faultlessly! Kudos!

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    Replies
    1. Pleasure reading such nice things about my writing in your faultless English :-)

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  10. hahaha Purba. Seriously, I have forgotten her face. And why oh why, can't they leave the female body alone making a mockery of it part by part. Are they siliconing the butt too now?

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    Replies
    1. I don't want to know and don't care either. I am happy with my imperfections.

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  11. hahaha hillarious post :D
    And there are naive folks like us who think talent and intelligence is all that you need for money and fame. Sigh!! If only I had known this secret before, I wouldn't have been stting on my ass solving calculus problems.

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    Replies
    1. I call it the perfect balance between intelligent women who stay away form this hocus-pocus and the hocus-pocus who'll do anything for fame.

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  12. haha... now I know why I'm stuck in a job which I don't like... I don't have the ass-Sense like Kim! sigh!

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    Replies
    1. There are always better things to perspire and ass-pire for :p

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  13. I don't know if she was able to break the internet, but it does seem that she's broken a lot of hearts belonging to women. But seriously, you should definitely write to Obama regarding that oil issue, she does seem to have disproportionate amounts of oil if not anything else.

    Good post!

    Cheers,
    Blasphemous Aesthete

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    1. Err...broken hearts? I doubt that very much.

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  14. Great post-so many synonyms for an ass!You are a master of word-play.
    This whole imbroglio over her horrendous backside just shows that media hype can raise anything to any heights.

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  15. Amazing post Purba, you are a true kalakaar with words! I can ASSure you I will read it a couple of times again!

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    1. I am glad you liked it, Anuradha :-)

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  16. What an awesome post! :-D Made me smile.
    You seem to have gotten to the bottom of the whole act :-D

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    Replies
    1. Kim's bottoms-up act got our wicked juices flowing :D

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  17. I have a suspicion that this woman is not doing this to help lesser mortals to get over their 'body image' issues . No no, she is doing all these circus to get more famous I think! :-D
    She looks really silly to say it in a decent way! But if she wants this , then...well, Don't know what to say!
    If you are born with big bums and busts, you cannot help it, but I fail to understand those who get these implants, who wants big back and front side artificially.! really really I fail to understand them!
    We have to impress men, understood, but I think men do not deserve this much treat!
    Nice post as always!

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    Replies
    1. Dissatisfaction with what we have has many manifestations and aspiring for over-sized or under-sized body parts is one of them.

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  18. This was so well written that my anaconda didn't even notice that it was about Kim Kardashian. Butt seriously!
    Loved the puns and the humour.

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    Replies
    1. She sure is leaving her butt-prints on the sands of time :D

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  19. An A(w)ssome post it was. Laughed and laughed ,specially about her well oiled posterior and her running the risk of being invaded by the US.

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    Replies
    1. Precisely why you should keep your face oil free. Uncle Sam is watching.

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  20. You just said a mouthful! Or, should I say, buttload!! :D

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    Replies
    1. This is an ass-pirational post :p

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  21. Brilliant, absolutely Brillaint wit. Can you hear my applause ?

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    Replies
    1. *Strains her ears and does a happy dance*

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  22. I would say this one is more about Purba's writing skills than Kim.
    You weave your words beautifully and knit a fabric.

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    Replies
    1. Thanks, I feel like a master-weaver :-)

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  23. Vow! Buttifully written post Purba.

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  24. hahaha........showered with laugh...!!!

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  25. The last line ..:-P :-D ...ass-ence of the post...

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  26. Hi Purba. You ass-ass-inated her ass-ymetrical ass with your assome writing talent. She surely would be butt-broken if she ever reads this :)

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    Replies
    1. And I am laughing my ass off after having read your comment.

      *surreptitiously checks butt in the mirror* :p

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  27. Funny post but still made me a bit sad. Have never really found her that attractive. Her ass-hat attempts to be in news are an assault on the average human IQ.

    P.S. The US planning to assail those oily assets was pure genius.

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Psst... let me know what you are thinking.

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