Wednesday, December 24, 2014

What The Fog!

Just when the Great Wall of Fog descended on Delhi, making entire buildings disappear along with flights schedules, Cacofonix makes an appearance on A-Musing after 2 years of hibernation. It seems the fog has finally cleared up his mind.
 
Image courtesy - IBNlive.com


“Oh, the fog was so heavy I couldn’t see my own ______ “. Words that could fill in the blank are toes, nose and other protruding body parts in between. Thus will the true Delhi-ite go about describing the weather event that descends on the city every year, usually the very morning he or she has a flight to catch. You can’t see anything, driving is dangerous, it’s bloody cold, there’s no sun and all the vitamin D that your pigments were going to synthesize has gone for a toss. You are late to work, your child is late to school, your dad is late to get up and take the dog out, your dog is late to get up and wake up your dad.

I mean, come on, let’s not crib endlessly about something that’s actually a good thing. The fog can be invoked to explain coming late to work, never mind the night before was spent partying hard and gulping down liquids of various hues and ethanol levels leading to a hangover of epic proportions. The fog is also your friend to let your dad know that the massive gash on the side of the car is all its doing. While, in fact, you got it when you couldn’t take your eyes off the PYT swishing by as you were reversing into a slot next to the trash truck.

In fact, if you could carry some fog with you, life could be so easy. Caco’s fog, ordered online, is just the thing for you.

You are interviewing for a job. You have this nervous twitch in your eyes that bugs you. It’s a dead give-away when you try to pull a fast one like, “yeah, Suhel Seth knows me”. Not that such a reference helps, but there is a lilt to his name that is fetching. So, what do you do? Just have a little fog sprayed from your used bottle of L-Áir du Temps, and lo, the twitch is safe behind a curtain of translucence.


Or, if you are surrounded by a bunch of jatland goons trying to strike up a conversation, doesn’t matter if you are male or female, just push a button that unleashes jets of dense fog from the vials strapped to your belt, and you can make a quick getaway, maybe at the RaGa escape velocity of Jupiter, while the chaps try to recall school-level physics.


Broccoli soup. That’s another dangerous thing. You have had two large bowls for lunch, what with all the delicious cream topping it. And you are sitting down with friends for some evening tea with quiche when the methane and hydrogen sulphide start tugging at you for some attention. No worries! Packaged fog to your rescue! Gently ease the computer-controlled dispenser and the fog, in a hue of healthy pink, imbued with the fragrance of chameli, swiftly neutralizes the errant release.

The girl of your dreams is running to board a flight to Mauritius. With a man. Not of your dreams. It’s not a SpiceJet flight. It’s not Kingfisher. Fat chance that the flight will not take off. Or that the pilot would report drunk. What do you do? What do you do???? Order a megabox of Caco’s fog online and it will be delivered to you in seconds. Unleash the raw power of the turbo-charged compressor that comes with it and the entire plane is covered by thick black fog. Like you see in all these movies with aliens and monsters and giants from other places. Funny how all these chaps have one upper lip and two laterally opening lower lips. And they never appear to have used a toothbrush. But I digress. The fog. The fog keeps the plane standing while you clear check-in, security and the long walk to the farthest gate in T3. You barge in. And the girl of your dreams introduces you to the man sitting next to her. Her brother. They are visiting their uncle. You will not get a refund from Caco’s online.

I got to go. Have to rush to the patent office. Just need some venture capital. Anybody with a million to spare? Or maybe two? When you come raging to my office to get it back, I will have my fog dispensers ready. Ciao!


 
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18 comments:

  1. Given the intelligent wit, I thought this was penned by you Purba. But then there were bits about Suhel and venture capital - a reminder that creativity runs in the family.
    Just when I was salivating at the Broccoli soup on a cold foggy morning, you dampened my enthusiasm by writing about the gases. Regardless, howlarious.
    You should write more often Cacofonix.

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  2. hahaha Delightful read. So good to see Cacofonix back on the blog after a really long hiatus. Fog with the perfume of chameli, sounds ingenious.

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  3. Funny! Very funny. I like it. I love it.

    Now what's with the L'Air du Temps? Is there a Bong connection I missed somewhere?

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  4. Very humorous!! Perfectly your style, Purba.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you, Usha. But this post is by Cacofonix.

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  5. CACOFONIX...I need more!!!
    This was supremely witty...
    I could do with a fog dispenser in Kerala. :(

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  6. What a fog story with dollops of wittiness, Purba. The best weapon to throw at sworn foes and indeed, it's a Do NoT Mess With Me. Experienced the fog last time in Delhi and like it.
    The Mauritius plane is such a pain and I prefer Emirates over the local Air Mauritius thingy. It sucks. Planning to throw fog at them if destiny unites us. You just gave the idea to get over bad service:)

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  7. Very funny..
    Beautiful..... :)
    Happy New year.. :)

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  8. Awesome and funny.... Loved it Purba!!

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    Replies
    1. Thank you, this is a guest post.

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  9. Awesome Fog! Purba you have beautifully fogged and its so hilarious. Keep rocking!

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    Replies
    1. Thank you but this post has been penned by Cacofonix.

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  10. The whole life is Foggy or Fog May here, and that to in December. Good business idea if we can sell some fog in bottles to our friends down south who wonder WTF it is all about Dilli Keeeeeeee Sardeeeee

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  11. It was really funny and interesting to read you but why these lines ?Or, if you are surrounded by a bunch of jatland goons trying to strike up a conversation, . this particular line is one , cant agreed.

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  12. I can do a lot of business in selling fog we get loads of it :)

    had fun reading it But I am sorry who is suhel seth.. I know vikram Seth :)

    Wishing you and everyone around you a very very happy new yearrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

    Bikram's

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  13. Very nice post. Just loved reading it. Hilarious one. Thank u for the share.

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