Monday, January 5, 2015

How To Identify A Terrorist

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We live in troubled times where dustbins have bombs and not rubbish. CCTV’s are mere props that turn a blind eye to all that’s suspicious. Intelligence agencies have little intelligence, the Police clueless and religion is an excuse to spray bullets on unsuspecting innocents. Leaders issue robotic condemnations. Public outrage comes with an expiry date and awaits renewal when terror raises its bloodied head, yet again.

But do we let fear stalk our minds and deprive ourselves the pleasure of getting pushed and shoved in busy markets and public spaces just because there might be a time bomb ticking away in one of the garbage dumps? Of course not!

Trust RSS to come to our rescue and come out with a helpful advisory on ‘How to recognise a terrorist’, so that you can nab one before you end up as a garlanded photo on your wall.

According to RSS, terrorists wear warm clothes even in hot weather.

Since winter is a state of mind especially in Mumbai which is mostly imaginary according to Delhiites, who decides how hot is really hot? Do we declare Mumbaikar belles slipping into boots with jackets and Bengalis shivering in monkey caps when the mercury plunges to a low of 28 C, as a threat to the country’s security because it’s not winter till it’s a freezing 0.4 C? Going by the same analogy, shouldn’t Delhi girls, pretending not to die of hypothermia in their itsy bitsies in order to keep their hottie label intact, be deported to Pakistan for specialized training?

For some strange reason, airport security in Brisbane (my last country of residence) was convinced of my bombshell-ness. Despite my season appropriate wardrobe, I was unfailingly stopped for ‘random security checks’ and frisked for explosives.

Terrorists approach people with casual talk and there are certain changes in their behaviour – if they are standing, they will start running.

This is bound to have serious consequences for all men who will have to ditch small talk as the sure fire way of approaching a woman. Imagine men having to talk about the purpose of life, Stephen Hawking’s theories on the Universe and the cosmos just to make sure they are not mistaken for a terrorist!


So, the next time the bloke with spiky hair reeking of Dabur Amla kesh Tel approaches you to ask – Madam, time kitna hua hai – promptly respond with a blood curdling scream. If he starts running in the opposite direction, holler – his name is Khan and he’s definitely a terrorist.

If he holds doors for you, apologizes profusely as he stomps on your feet and doesn’t try to throw you on the tracks while boarding the Metro – he’s not only but a terrorist but an International one.

In fact, all gentlemen in Delhi, handsome men in Chennai, pro-India Kashmiris, butter chicken hating Punjabis and Goans who do not take 2 hour long siestas are enemies of the state and should be promptly sent to Yerwada jail to work out with Sanjay Dutt.

They suddenly meet certain people and disappear.

This path breaking finding by RSS is further proof that your Internet boyfriend who left you high and dry without even a proper goodbye was in fact an ‘under the cover’ aatankwadi.

Though I’m eternally grateful to RSS for coming out with this life-saving list, I’d humbly like to bring to their kind attention the most tell-tale feature of a terrorist they forgot to add to their advisory.

It is a known fact that 9 ½ out of 10 terrorists prefer hiding their face behind hair follicles. Think Hafiz Saeed, butchers of ISIS and Talibanis.

But with so many men with beards, how do you make out that he’s the one? I say observe him closely. If he’s scratching his beard furiously and you see him taking out suspicious looking objects only to squash it with his nails, go and sniff his underarms. If you don’t survive to tell the tale, you can go to heaven safe with the knowledge that the bulge in front of his salwar was in fact a grenade. Too bad you had to carry his secret to the grave.

Unfortunately, terror is no longer the prerogative of the foolish, unwashed and the uneducated. In fact, many do not let intelligence get into their way of fancying themselves as rebels waging a war against the infidels. So, if they can become techies and land jobs in Bangalore, what stops them from shaving off their beards and pretend to be normal?

Therefore, for the sake of your country’s safety, you should assume all men with and without beards are terrorists.

It is now up to women without beards and our RSS brothers in shorts to save the country from the clutches of terror. But remember, if you approach the police for help, you should be prepared to be grilled instead.

Does it still come as a surprise that India worships 33 million Gods and fasts 360 days a year to appease them for the well-being of their family?


Source -  http://indianexpress.com/article/india/india-others/how-to-tell-a-terrorist-jackets-in-summer-odd-behaviour/



50 comments:

  1. ha ha, Purba, thanks for writing this :-)
    I think RSS forgot about aliens with beards :-)

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    Replies
    1. I think they will come up with a revised edition once they have read this post and your comment :p

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  2. There is no dearth of idiots. With the media thrusting a microphone in front of them, we will never be short of stupid comments. BTW, the securitymen in Brisbane were right about a Bong bombshell. She is quite explosive as is evident in this post.

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    1. Hahahaha, Alka. All they saw was my dark-skin.

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  3. Nice weather. I wonder if the black-holes are really black, or just another shade of gray. Do you know what might be the temperature in there? I hear they have more gravity than my words right now. Don't worry, I'm just trying not to indulge in small talk lest I be taken for someone I am not.

    I think CCTVs serve as mere scarecrows, or whatever its counterpart must be, implying, people would want to delegate the responsibility of vigilance to the mere presence of CCTV cameras, even if there is a monkey at the dashboard gulping bananas and scratching his butt as the troubled trash can is armed.

    I cannot find that quote which said that I stopped reading the newspaper and was infinitely happy.

    I think, in certain times as these, the intellectual class needs to sleeve up, and not just pen down for intellectuals, but for the ones who will believe whatever the powerful hand dictates them.

    Regards,
    Blasphemous Aesthete

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    Replies
    1. Like Alka said, its' said nincompoops grab National headlines and deflect our attention from the real issues. But then there's an ass in mass waiting to be lead astray.

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  4. brainstorming!!!

    please read and subscribe to my blog: http://gappaa.blogspot.in/

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  5. Haha...brilliant, Purba. It's almost as if the RSS are waiting for a chance to dole out rubbish.

    On the link that you shared, the last para goes :
    "...... or if a vehicle appears to sag with weight at the rear " - If I occupy the rear-passenger sear, most vehicles will sag due the weight (of my rear, perhaps!) - by that standards, I must be a terrorist too :P

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    1. The original article can easily pass off as satire :D

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  6. I don't know what to say. I guess there is a reason why I have stopped watching news. The profound stupidity all around is endangering my sanity.

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    Replies
    1. Hahahahaa...the cacophonous debates are so headache friendly.

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  7. I have no words...Just like Rachna even I have stopped watching or even reading news completely because of such buffoonery...

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    Replies
    1. I have got so unused to the high decibel levels and that even I want to, I just can't.

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  8. Ha ha! This is hilarious. You should credit RSS for the content too coz only they could have come up with something that funny, with a straight face!
    On a serious note, there's an alarming increase in the mainstream fanaticism in India. In reply to inane comments by the RSS, Owaisi said that all Indians are born a same religion, of course, his! These are not the people hidden behind the follicles in the desolate lands of Syria , but these are the people on prime time TV! That's scary!

    ReplyDelete
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    1. It's scary that buffoons like them are the ones who influence a chunk of the population! Imagine the ones who are actually taking it as the gospel of truth!

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  9. As it ends,each problem in India is created by media...A section of media has taken upon itself to be the lawyer and judges....It will take them a minute to run down RSS and crate an innocent man to be a terrorist...don't worry if terrorists are actually taking a free walk

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    Replies
    1. I quite agree with you. The media should take it's role responsibly instead of creating unnecessary outrage over the inconsequential.

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  10. Hehehe...I read about this RSS nonsense and felt like saying "idiots everywhere". But you've just made my day with this post!

    "... go and sniff his underarms.." :-D :-D OMG ( O maa go) *sniffs and faints*

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think the real terrorists are the ones who douse themselves with Axe :D

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    2. Yes, they are 'lady-killers'...literally :-D

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  11. Everyone here is abusing RSS but nobody thinking about their programmes of human being welfare.you may say that I am a Right wing activist but if you read newspapers or watching news , you will find that all the terrorists caught recently are "from a specific community" but the all are not beared. so how can u denied it that militancy exist in their blood .

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    1. hmmmmmmmm Not sure if i shud ask but never mind "FROM A SPECIFIC COMMUNITY".. what is your idea on a question if i ask you sir ..

      "A SPECIFIC COMMUNITY" - tageting "A SPECIFIC COMMUNITY" in the year 1984.. Would love to hear your comments on it .. and oh yes the existing of some DNA in THEIR blood toooo ...

      and also NO justice done or anyone found guilty from "A SPECIFIC COMMUNITY" for the atrocity ..

      all ears to you sir..

      Bikram's

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    2. I'm aware that RSS engages in welfare programmes but advisories like these don't help, rather end up reinforcing stereotypes we associate with terror.

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  12. Thank god I shaved off my beard .. phew now i wonder why the beautiful lovely nurses in the hospital were running away from me .. No no no I was not making small talk with me .. seriously i was not .. I was actually talking serious ...

    it is scary with what is going on in our nation and the worst is that some people err hmmm MANY people think it is right as a couple of comments on this article too suggest .. where has common sense gone ..

    I was amazed at a comment made by a minister in power saying that they want "RAM-Zaade and not HARAM-Zaade " .. this is a language used by one of the elected person and Mr. Modi saying she is a newbie hence she made that comment

    I think I need to start looking for my Khalistani mates as I am sure i will need them sooner rather than later..


    and hey hey heyyyyyyyy I do need to see that BOMB-shell that brisbane security people are talking about :) and dont tell me i need to join the security force to do that ... :)


    on a serious note .. I wonder what is happening to the so called educated people in our country..

    Bikram's

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My husband had to shave off his beard because of the 'random security' checks he was subjected to every time he travelled to the US.

      It is said how much ignorance organizations like RSS end up perpetuating by issuing such advisories.

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    2. you know these "random security" .. I have also realised thats its almost ME everytime who gets called.. Random seems NOT so random anymore ..

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  13. haha!! Purba!!! Ghar Wapsi and those idiots who believe they are sane, followers who believe them. Frisk!! Frisk!!! A bit like catch me of you can. Makes me wonder on this world too big to run away from them.

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    1. I think the fear of losing relevance drives them to desperate measures.

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  14. I haven't read this list from RSS yet... but it is ridiculous to even come up with one. So much generalization would lead to more hatred among people. As if we don't hate each other enough!!
    Loved your take on it :)

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    Replies
    1. I wish I could simply reproduce the original article which read like a satire piece.

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  15. I completely agree RSS is a real non sense....Loved the way u have taken up the write up. Awesome one. Loved reading your post. Keep up the good work....

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  16. ROFL!
    Okay.. I had to take a minute to stop laughing there. I Louve this!
    Nicely written, Purba!
    Maybe if we make them watch all SRK, Deepika and Farah Khan movies, they will confess.

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    1. Actually CIA should make terrorists watch HNY again and again till they confess.

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  17. Home truths couched in jest. Ni-iiice! We all know right wingers anywhere are unable to accept a different culture but this is taking things to a whole new and ridiculous level.

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    1. I love how they push boundaries with each new statement they issue! Just when you think it can't get stupider than this.

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  18. Arey baap re!! I actually thought that this is one of your satires but it looks like the RSS has beaten you to it this time!! :D

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    Replies
    1. Hahahahaha...I wish I could be as original as the RSS.

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  19. Our political parties give us the biggest fodder for humor and thanks to writers like you who exploit to the full :)

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    Replies
    1. They are our finest standup comic artists. May Lord Ram bless their sense of humour and impeccable timing.

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  20. you know what? people choose soft targets.do people have guts to write blog post on islam fundamentalists or the muslim community ideology in our country.people are scared to write about muslims coz they go to any extent to defend their religion unlike RSS or hindus. though sangh parivar activities are not rational,the magnitude of muslim community anti-social activities are very hostile.once i was travelling in a public transport in one of india metro city,a muslim with beard was brain washing another muslim like"india is ruled by our people from the beginning and hindus took over our power or hukumat from us,soon we will rule india and whole world". this kind of conversation happens among muslim fundamentalists.hindus are scared of these kinda conversations ,so they don't want muslim rulers to rape and murder their women like in past.though 21st century don't have the chance of these things to happen.people have their own insecurities.its easy to sit between four walls with a laptop and target soft people.do people have courage to write a post on islam radicals.i don't belong to any religion and i write things based on reality or rationality.

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    1. As long as we have bravehearts like you exposing hypocrisy of the Muslims, our country is in safe hands.

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    2. i din't understand your sarcasm,when are you going to speak straight.am waiting for women like you to be straight so that activists need not fight for equality of women and for women empowerment.

      Delete
  21. These days anyone with a yen for a bit of sun can utter absurdities and gain fame.

    Coming to a better mood "promptly respond with a blood curdling scream. If he starts running in the opposite direction, holler – his name is Khan and he’s definitely a terrorist. "-this line is simply hilarious.

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    1. They shouldn't stop. They provide such delightful fodder for us bloggers :D

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  22. I say, these are very pertinent suggestions! I shall be on the lookout for these suspicious characters in my airy nikkars!

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    Replies
    1. Just don't try to make small talk and ask - bhaisahab, time kitna hua hai?

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  23. Loving this one with my evening chai. I will just quickly go and check whether this little hair is considered a beard or a No "UMM un " whateva beard.ha ha

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