Tuesday, April 28, 2015

Blockbuster drama, now playing in a movie hall near you



Image Courtesy - Google images

There’s no one more foolish than a person who goes to watch a movie in a multiplex for the simple pleasure of cinema. The movie is just a means to soak in the liveliness and chirpiness of people who accidentally ended up in the same hall as you. You can close your eyes and sink back on your cushy seat as you tap your feet to the mellifluous symphony of a gaggle of kids screaming in unison. Surprisingly, their parents, oblivious to their progeny’s talents, continue to stare poker-faced at the screen. Just as your attention is diverted by the antics of a certain Bakshy out to save Kolkata from the evil clutches of the Japanese army, a tiny head will sneak in from behind and startle you with, Pappa, potty janaa hai. Overcome by guilt, you will immediately get up and offer to take the hapless soul to the restroom to unburden him from toxins playing havoc in his tiny intestines.

You can learn pick-up tricks from Rakesh Jee on how to negotiate as he strikes a business deal on loudspeaker mode on his phone. If possible, give him an encouraging smile and wave, so what if he can’t see you in the dark! Wearing a neon coloured lipstick helps.

I still can’t fathom why our filmmakers invest so much money and passion in making movies when all we need is a bucket of popcorn, litres of Coke or Pepsi, a cool dark hall reverberating with chatter of merry men and women, to have a good time! It’s so much fun to be seated on time and be able to offer your feet for the stamping pleasure of a bunch of giggly college girls who arrive fashionably late.

Thanks to my many sojourns to movie halls, I now know intimate details about strangers who insist on gossiping with Dolby surround sound. Sometimes when I’m in a genial mood, I walk down and offer them advice on where to procure top quality diamonds at reasonable price and dealing with demanding mothers-in-law by mixing pee in their tea.

I also get to test my long distance vision by reading status updates on mobiles 5 rows ahead of me. Most of them are busy critiquing the movie, pointing out the flaws in the script, the poor editing and pathetic acting skills of the lead actors.

Wow, you have to be really talented to analyse a movie without even bothering to watch it!

Once upon a time I was a fool like you, who’d bemoan the complete lack of consideration many of our countrymen display for fellow movie-goers. I had little patience for people who’d treat movie halls as their own private space, moisturising your hair with their spit as they noisily munched tonnes of snacks and exchanged pleasantries on the phone with long lost relatives. I would experience extreme emotional distress when my loud sobs, empathising with the doe eyed heroine’s anguish (as her sadistic Ma chopped off her finger to teach her errant daughter a lesson), would be rudely interrupted by loud guffaws from insensitive louts. I would often end up trying to shush these specimens and unfairly subject them to my dagger eye treatment in an attempt to reform them. A few times I even had the audacity to wonder why parents drag their toddlers to Adult certified movies and subject them to blood and gore and other hanky-panky stuff? Why does the Censor Board spend weeks on certification when everyone, including movie management, treats it as a RaGa or Aliya B joke?

Not anymore. Thanks to a new me, I never have a dull moment, irrespective of how bad or good the movie is! Because I have little expectation of etiquette from others, I sit back and enjoy the show, on and off the screen. My favourite part is when Sunny Leone shakes her inner booty on the silver screen. I whistle and woot loudly and kick the back of the seat with my heels to express my appreciation. If I accidently walk in for an artsy movie and discover it’s dull and boring with no masaledar sex scenes, I start reading WhatsApp jokes loudly to anybody who’d care to listen. At a philosophical level, such rude reminders of reality keep the viewer stay grounded, helping them stay uninvolved with the stuff on the screen, all of which is virtual and maya twice removed. I mean, how many villages have the likes of Bipasha in fully made-up splendour, crooning huskily? 

 
Also, I’m seriously considering having another baby, raise him to be a brat and let him loose on all those poker-faced parents whose kids I took to the restroom.

Why be the long suffering bahu of a saas-bahu weepy, when you can choose to be the scheming saas?

Once you become the uncouth nincompoop you’d been dying to change, movie watching will no longer be an agonizing affair. If you can’t change them, become one of them and torture them with the same behaviour they subject you to. As such, enjoying a movie for sheer cinematic pleasure is so last century. 




35 comments:

  1. My worst nightmare is those kicks at the back of my seat. Even when there is no Ms Leone.Repeated angry stares do nothing. I wish I could kick back.

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    1. I just glare and glare and glare till I give up.

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  2. I went to watch 'King of Bollywood' (No, you wouldn't have heard of it!) in the sasta-tikau Shakuntalam in Pragati Maidan. College days. There is a balls-crushing scene where the gunda's sac is squeezed to the background sound of real bones breaking. The hall went silent. The men were shocked, perhaps feeling vicarious pain; the women too decorous to laugh. I was the ONLY one who laughed unashamedly and just couldn't stop. While buying popcorns, you can imagine the looks I got! And I hadn't even kicked anyone!
    So, not sure if you see me as the 'brat' or as one like yourself, in a movie hall.
    But I had fun!
    Reading this one too.

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    1. Not sure if i should feel ashamed but i think I'd have laughed at that scene too.

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    2. Not sure if i should feel ashamed but i think I'd have laughed at that scene too.

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    3. I remember watching Dabang with a friend. We guffawed so loudly throughout the movie that the audience(remember, this was a Salman Khan movie) preferred staring at us.

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    4. Flo, we should go to the movies together! :D
      Purba, I watch a Salman movie like I used to Govinda's. For the funny everything in it.
      Let's book a hall for our kind.

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  3. Think of those late comers with bucket of popcorn in one hand and a cane of coke in the other groping in the dark, their mobile ringing in the pocket and there heavy leather shoe thumping on your toe! What a great idea to enjoy in a multiplex !

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    Replies
    1. Next time you can try tripping them over.

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  4. Those kicks at the back of the seat and the stamping of my feet, ouch. Here the stares still work if the offensive objects are in your vicinity. But the bachchas, I really don't know why parents keep doing that. I try to be very understanding but I haven't paid good bucks to let all the dialogs drown in their wails. Maybe, we should start an FB campaign to reclaim our moviegoing experience. A post that speaks for all of us, Purba.

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    1. I am pretty kicked up about your idea of starting a 'reclaim our movie-going experience'. And the best way to kick-start it would be to click these offending objects' photos and share them on FB.

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  5. Such goals need some dedication. So next time, don't bathe for two days, wear covered shoes without socks, and walk around a lot. Then reach the cinema hall, take off your shoes, and place your now hopefully super smelly feet on the arm rests of the seat in front. Aaah, bliss.

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    1. These are such brilliant ideas!...I was exclaim loudly, I think I have Swine Flu, and have the whole hall to myself.

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  6. Like everything else movie going has also undergone a sea change with time! As long as there is non stop whistling to cheer an intimate scene, it is difficult to make out whether you came to watch a movie or went to see a football match! You nailed it, right Purba:)

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    1. I wish I could nail them too, Rahul!

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  7. Totally in sync with your philosophy of joining the others in the real way of movie watching. In fact, I frequently experiment with my phone ring tones in the middle of an emotional scene on screen. It's just so much fun that way!

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    1. Ahh...so that was you?
      Excuse me, can I have my shoe back!

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  8. "Why be the long suffering bahu of a saas-bahu weepy, when you can choose to be the scheming saas? " --- and that's how the scheming saas brigade was formed.

    P I meet all of the above at Bollywood releases here in Dubai. Sometimes i pick Hollywood just thinking of what I'll have to go through. But there's always a disturbance waiting for you.

    I was unfortunate to sit beside chatty couples who couldn't spare a little patience to pay attention to the movie. Another time it was a screamer at a horror show and she jumped into her male friend's lap. The drama!

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    1. LOL...really? The worse are the ones who come to watch English movies and expect you to explain the dialogues, line by line.

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  9. "Why be the long suffering bahu of a saas-bahu weepy, when you can choose to be the scheming saas? " --- and that's how the scheming saas brigade was formed.

    P I meet all of the above at Bollywood releases here in Dubai. Sometimes i pick Hollywood just thinking of what I'll have to go through. But there's always a disturbance waiting for you.

    I was unfortunate to sit beside chatty couples who couldn't spare a little patience to pay attention to the movie. Another time it was a screamer at a horror show and she jumped into her male friend's lap. The drama!

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  10. Sure, if you can not beat them Join them... :) and now we know why no body cares if the movie has a story, plot, good acting or not.. because we are not watching it we have so many other things to do when the lights go off...

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    1. To think I was under the misconceptions all these years and was naive enough to think movie halls are meant for watching movies!

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  11. The Guinness record holder for the tallest living human always ends up sitting in front of me. All my movie memories have this head blocking the view. These days it only needs a head to miss the entire climax .

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    1. LOL...that's the story of my life as well!

      Behnaaaa!

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  12. I remember going for the Conjuring here in a theater and there was this bunch of kids which would laugh out loud or giggle at every scary moment coming up. I got so pissed, I'm never watching another horror movie in the theater here. Kills the whole mood!

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    1. I seriously don't get this attitude. Neither do they enjoy the movie watching experience nor do they let us enjoy it.

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  13. The best people are the ones who comment on every scene... loud enough for everyone to hear...! The people who would have been film critics had they been given that career option... More helpful if they have seen the movie before and are telling you what comes next :)

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    1. Which is why we need mouthphones or maybe duct-tapes to keep such specimens under control.

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  14. This is one of my pet peeves, Purba, when you see so-called spoilers telling what gonna happen next, phone beep and running commentaries. A clear lack of consideration of cinematic pleasure and disregard of effort that goes into film-making. At least respect that or if you can't, go and make a short film rather than losing your time in the cinema hall. Such idiots need a life.

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    1. Only prevalent in our country where people don't respect each other's boundaries and treat public spaces as an extension of their drawing room.

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  15. Like that - Pappa, potty janaa hai
    All said and done, I think there should be an age limit where kids should not be allowed. Its really distracting. I go to the theatre to see really good movies (which has to be seen on the big screen) I still remember the experience of having watched Tintin on the big screen. There were re-runs of the same on the telly, but the punch is not there.

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    1. We had kids too and we either left them behind or if we couldn't find someone to take care of them, we gave the movie a miss.

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  16. Like they say 'expectation is the root of all heart-ache'.... i have zeroed on that front and am now researching on finding some new yogasana that would render me blind, numb and deaf to any miscellaneous catastrophes other than the ones manifesting on the screen itself...

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Psst... let me know what you are thinking.

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