Thursday, April 2, 2015

Why Cows Deserve More Protection than Women

Also published on Huffington Post, India.


Image courtesy - Google.com

It is now safer to be a cow than a woman in our country. Thanks to the over-zealous saffron brigade enforcing laws ensuring her safety and long life, they are also the more empowered lot. While the Fadnavis government was busy earning brownie points, passing motions to ban consumption of beef, Haryana government went a step ahead and covered itself with cow dung by taking a historic step deciding to issue unique identification numbers to its indigenous cattle. While women in Haryana will have to live with desi names like Saali, Nikammi, Kalmunhi, and beatings from their men, cows will be anointed with cool 12 digit names, entitling them to free healthcare benefits. Moov over Jaat bois, Haryanvi gais are the new beefcake in town.

Cow slaughter in Haryana will now attract a rigorous imprisonment ranging from three years to 10 years and a fine of up to Rs 1 lakh, while girl child slaughter and rapes will continue to be a socially acceptable norm. Mumbai girls have ditched their pepper spray for beef steak to shove it into the mouth of anyone who dares molest them, since consumption of beef invites a stricter punishment than treating women like a piece of meat.

Before the unreasonable gender of the human species goes around blaming our Netas for pandering to the cattle class to gain political acreage, while they have to master the art of using pepper sprays, martial arts to keep horny men at bay, I’d like to present my arguments as to why it makes more sense to protect cows than women.

Every Cow is your Maa, hence every Maa is a cow. Like every dutiful Maa, her love is as pure and pristine as her milk. She’s not only the milk of humanity, even her poop and urine, as swachh and holy as her heart have medicinal properties. You can glug cow urine to cure yourself of cancer, diabetes and tuberculosis or any other disease you may have incurred as karma for your past sins. Once cured, you can use the extra supply to replace environment unfriendly Phenyl and swab your floors clean. RSS has developed a cow-urine-based soft drink called Gomutra Ark. The drink is a "healthy" alternative to Coca-Cola, Pepsi and other soft drinks, which are part of a wider problem resulting from corrupt Western influences. Cow dung on the other hand is fuel cum fertilizer cum purifier cum sanitizer cum skin tonic cum tooth polish rolled into patties and can be safely hailed as the Elvis Presley of excrement.

Even your biological Mom cannot claim to be so udderly useful!


As much as we’d like to believe Robert Redford when he said – if you love a woman, let her go. If she comes back to you, then she's yours forever. If she doesn't, then she was never yours to begin with. Surely, we all know this is unadulterated bullshit! A woman when set free, goes to Goa and never comes back. Unlike a cow, who’ll always come back to her lord and master by evening after having feasted on garbage wrapped in polythene.

Plus she is low-maintenance. She will never complain she’s doesn’t have a thing to wear even when her wardrobe is spilling over with her indulgences. She is happy with her God-given hooves and never craves for Jimmy Choos. All she needs is grass to moo with contentment. She’s every man’s dream come true!

Only a cow can proclaim: my body, my mind, my choice, to be a size zero or a size fifty, with her tail held high and not be called a hypocrite like Deepika Padukone. She is free to have sex before marriage, to have sex outside of marriage. She can step out after dark and wear what she likes, come home when she wants, even at 4 A.M and care a damn about what her bull thinks! Her soul like her body roams around naked. She’s a snowflake and a tree. She eats shoots and leaves.

A bovine so divine, she deserves her place at a busy intersection, unmindful of the traffic and irate motorists, chewing cud as she contemplates the meaning of life.

Dear all, stop crying foul and blaming the government for imposing their saffron-coloured choices on you. She not a piece of meat, she’s your Ma, for Ram’s sake! Dear women, rise and rejoice for the truly liberated femme, with law on her side, even if bovine.

So what if she’s left to fend for herself, survive on garbage, and milked for all she’s worth!






54 comments:

  1. So.......just wondering.....will it now be a praise or an insult if you call a woman, a cow? I am confused.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I was thinking the same thing!

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    2. You want to Ma-zone a woman?
      Just call her a cow.

      Delete
  2. Every cow is your Maa and Maa is a cow- well said. Bovine is divine and Khemka is humiliated again. That's Haryana for us. Nothing changes it seems. Tow steps forward, four steps backward.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Read somewhere - Khemka's WhatsApp status reads as - Last transferred at :D

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  3. Political choices in India are like jumping from fire pan into fire, Purba:)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Same to Brazil, unfortunatelly

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    2. Pretty soon India will be a cow surplus country.

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  4. Oh Lord!!! I laughed out loud in office reading this..

    Her soul like her body roams around naked. She’s a snowflake and a tree. She eats shoots and leaves.

    This had me in splits for a long long time.. :)

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  5. All said and done, Gai Humaree mata hai, Bhains Humaree Aunty hai, Bakree humaree padosan hao or murgee humaree cousin hai.... and we are living in a society where we kill girls before they are born every body has rights except for the girl child.... .. Another hard hitting post Purba..keep them coming...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Almost turned bald writing this post :p

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  6. Well, the motions they are passing are, how do I say it, loose motions...

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    Replies
    1. Consti-paitience my friend is the need of the hour.

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  7. For the past two days, there have been cows, cows and cows all around the highway as we cross the Chattarpur Temple, and these cows seem like real Godmothers, for they occupy 2 full lanes on the highway (one on each side) and absolutely, resolutely refuse to budge midst a traffic snarl. Everyone's wondering where did they come from, I suspect Haryana, but then it is also possible that they're from UP, running for the haryaalis of Haryana.
    The lawmakers remind me of an old rhyme that a little boy had written in his essay, "Gai hamari maata hai, aage kuch nahi aata hai".

    The examiner had a sense of humour when he/she wrote "bail (ox) hamara baap hai, number dena paap hai".

    How I think the voters could give them 0 marks. But then, we're demented, aren't we?

    Cheers,
    Blasphemous Aesthete

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Considering their holy droppings contain methane that aid global- warming, I'm looking forward to a sizzling hot future :/

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  8. Loved that comparison to the lines from Vogue video! Loved every bit of sarcasm!!

    A bovine so divine, she deserves her place at a busy intersection, unmindful of the traffic and irate motorists, chewing cud as she contemplates the meaning of life.

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  9. "consumption of beef invites a stricter punishment than treating women like a piece of meat" You said it!! And, so well!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Procrastinated for 10 days before I could get myself to write this post.

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  10. The law is so bizarre, seriously. I am speechless! Loved your wordplay.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. So am I, Rachna. God save our country.

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  11. Holy Cow!!
    Our country and weird laws

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Try saying that on Twitter. You'll be lynched.

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  12. You one of the most amazing writing discoveries I made in ages. Loved every bit of the article, Purba-Ma!

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  13. animals need someone to speak on their behalf,women are not animals and they don't need someone to speak on their behalf.why do women strip for each and everything and why do they use their biological structure to make a living,they are humans like men and they can do better things other than using their sexuality for a living.why do they keep doing same mistake again and again and blame society or men.there is a instance in the movie SPIDERMAN, when the editor of magazine can't get the pics of spiderman,he says "i can get julia roberts in thongs , why can't i get a pic of spiderman." thats the level women have portrayed themselves from many years.why don't they show character which is beyond their sexuality aka gender.you should blame your gender for not evolving psychologically and remaining a stereotype.

    i don't consider bajrangdal or vhp guys as representatives of our civilisation or culture,so i just ignore them.what they did for cows is same as their activists preventing couples on valentines day. centuries back they din't had disinfectant like dettol or savlon to keep their houses clean,so they found cow products as disinfectant.comparing cows and women in this generation is silly.killing cows which have protected us over centuries is unethical practise .they always compared cow with a woman and not women with a cow coz mother is ultimate affection and protective.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'd like to know what you are smoking.

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    2. do you believe in god?even god can't explain things to you coz you just have superficial mindset.

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  14. Replies
    1. Here's cowdung cake for you as prasad.

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  15. Oh that was brilliant! I'm surprised they haven't decided to install chips in the local folk as well. Hate to admit it, cows sure are 'lucky'.

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  16. Oh that was brilliant! I'm surprised they haven't decided to install chips in the local folk as well. Hate to admit it, cows sure are 'lucky'.

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  17. Brilliantly put across..Nice post.. :)
    Please do check mine and comment:

    https://www.indiblogger.in/indipost.php?post=452573

    ReplyDelete
  18. The trouble with some people is they think they are very smart and hip.
    Opposing obstinately; ridiculing reason is the essence of their trip
    It is the essence of their garbled, twisted demented and distorted sense of Karma
    She allies with a-brahmans: rather than raising the status of women as per Dharma
    A sting wants to curtail the Dharmic rights of a cow; O Krishna may her thoughts flip.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The trouble with people is they refuse to accept they have a choice not to read what the smart and hip have to say.

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  19. You excel yourself every time Purba and the politicians keep giving you fodder for thought.

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    Replies
    1. Fodder for thought....hahahaha...wish I could munch on it like a cow

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  20. Udderly brilliant :D Was beaming throughout the read.

    In recent times,there is a big problem when it comes to being funny.Especially when people assume that they are on satire or "ANY" mode presumed to be a highly evolved one that signifies a mature society that can laugh at their shortcomings. Its like, you can see a tear in the thin line that separates the one telling the joke and the one who is becoming one. This post is one of the best I have read by far that assumes a satire take.

    Cheers
    Ram~Knight4ever
    https://mypradoxicalparadise.wordpress.com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Someone wise had once said - satire is like electricity. half of Indian does not get it.
      I was literally torn apart by the saffron brigade on Twitter for writing this 'anti-national' post.

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  21. Misplaced sense of priority.

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    Replies
    1. It seems the Maha government is not done yet.

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  22. Wonderful Purba and I completely agree.

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  23. First humans, then animals. Well written blog post.

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  24. You got me sold on the cow logic that I am definitely planning to become a cow in my next janm :) So many benefits ! But then I have to be India else I will be eaten :) Lovely take as usual Purba.

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    Replies
    1. I think it's a choice between eaten and beaten. And with the new laws forbidding farmers to slaughter their aging bullocks, they are now being set free on Gurgaon roads.

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  25. Makes me wonder. Purba. You've nailed it. Welcome to the age weird stuffs and next Jaanam, I shall date or marry a cow. Why I am not surprised that RSS come up with such flimsy argument.

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Psst... let me know what you are thinking.

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