Tuesday, May 12, 2015

You Don’t Mess With The Metro-wali Aunty.

Image courtesy - Colors Channel

If you Google ‘aunty’, your search results will throw up astounding findings about her sexual appetite for neighbourhood boys on her charpai. The real life aunty is as different from the virtual as mathri is from crostini. She bears no resemblance to the hormone-fuelled fantasy of the Indian male searching furiously for her underarm pics in sleeveless blouses.

In India more so in Delhi, the term aunty is more a state of mind of the one who bequeaths her with this title and less of a relation. She’s the thirty kilos later version of the Behenjee who’ll elbow you out of her way and try her best to throw you into the ‘mind the gap’ as you try to board the Metro.

Being an Aunty is a lot like stupidity – everybody other than you is aware of it. No Aunty even in her wildest dream thinks of herself as one until she gets auntyzoned by Sunny whose backyard she uses to dump the remnants of chholey and chawal that she cooked lovingly for her family. When he dares to protest, she anoints him and his ancestors dating back to the days when they still hung around on trees, with choicest expletives. As he beats a hasty retreat, his face a beetroot red, he spits ‘aunty’ once he’s out of her hearing range. The last time, his best friend, Bunny, dared call her Aunty on her face, he was felled like an emaciated tree by her ‘dhai kilo kaa haath’

If you still don’t have any idea about what I am talking about, I suggest you board the Delhi Metro. You are most likely to spot her in the ladies coach. If you are unfortunate enough to find an empty seat for yourself, you’ll find her hovering over you like a pollen thirsty bee, ordering you to ‘thoda adjust kar lo’ as if it’s her birthright. 'Thoda adjust' simply means, you better seat yourself on one butt-cheek so that I can seat me, my big ass handbag and many shopping bags comfortably. God forbid if you’re seated between two such specimens, your pelvis will get pulverised by their bump and grind routine.



As you inhale her body odour, you get to hear interesting snippets of her life, political views, Kumar Vishwas's peccadilloes, as she talks to her friend 15 seats away. By the end of the ride you are ready to dispense gyaan on where to procure freshest and cheapest veggies and write a thesis on her husband’s severe gastric problem.

If she’s in a genial mood, she might even try to engage with you. She’ll ask you if you are married, how much you and your husband earn, the number of bedrooms your apartment has. Once you surrender to her entreaties of how much your purse cost, she’ll inform you with a smug smile that you could have bought it at a much cheaper price in her neighbourhood market. Yes, the same market you can buy the cheapest and freshest veggies.

Don’t be misled by her portly frame. She’ll shoot like an arrow just out of its bow, the moment she spots a just-vacated seated. It doesn’t matter how far she is from the seat, she’ll be the first one to reach it, like an out of control hurricane, her dupatta flapping like an angry bird.

The cunning ones don’t wait for a seat to get vacated, they simply walk into the general compartment and seek out the meekest. All they need to do is stand in front of him and stare meaningfully and voila the hapless creature gets up without a murmur of protest. If that doesn’t work, she will resort to histrionics that’ll put even Nirupa Roy to shame. Traumatised by loud sighs, shuffling of her feet and soulful eyes, her victim will not only get up from his seat but get off three stops earlier.

Mission accomplished, she’ll proceed to have a meaningful conversation with the block of air in front of her, bemoaning the ways of the current generation and their lack of respect for elders.

You don’t mess with a Metro-wali Aunty. Ask Harami Pandey who tried to act brave and refused to budge from his seat! She looked at him like as if he’d gotten her daughter pregnant and then abandoned their child. On her way out she knocked him so hard with her bag that his past life came flashing in front of his eyes.

The only way you can survive her is by surrendering. If you enquire about Rolly and Polly, the apples of her eyes and compliment the pretty colours of her salwar kameez, she might even reward you with a smile and ask in her sweetest voice ‘ beta, tum itne duble-patle kyon ho, ghar mein khana nahin milta hai kya?’ (why are you so thin, don’t you get enough to eat at home)



51 comments:

  1. Great observation. Dupatta flapping like an angry bird...Lol.
    Reminds me of Dolly Bindra.

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  2. Happy coexistence with Aunties is wishful thinking be it in metro,DTC bus or shopping in crowded bazars:) Google is almost as clever as I phone when suggesting sites or auto correcting text to leave one redfaced if not careful, Purba!

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    Replies
    1. Don't worry, you have company.The husband keeps getting notifications of all the hot girls in the neighbourhood dying to date him.

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  3. Reminded me of Kirron Kher..! Hilarious and great observation indeed !

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  4. hahaha I once gave up my seat for one such big eyed aunty in Delho metro. She didn't even ask me, it was just the way she said adjust karlo that I gave up and stood in the remotest corner of the train. I miss the fun of Delhi metros :P Absolutely enjoyed reading your post, specially the way you wrote the intro para.

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    Replies
    1. Once you've lived in Delhi, it becomes a part of you :-)

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  5. I have an acute pain in my stomach now coz I just couldn't stop laughing. Trademark Purba post, and loved every bit of it!

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    Replies
    1. *Feeling blessed and all that*

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  6. While Rahul Gandhi et al would say that aunty is a state of the mind, I'm rather more inclined to think that aunty is just a state of the hind

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    1. Aunty is a state of hind, LOL! - I'm still shaking with laughter!

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  7. at least aunties get some attention and posts like this. "uncle"s are the most ignored lot. No one googles them too

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    Replies
    1. I'm sure there are women who Google 'uncle in Speedos' :D

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  8. There are so many emotions attached tot he word " Aunty", I remember a hair color ad where in true Ekta Kapur serial style the voice screamed " AUNTY, AUNTY, AUNTY:..... :)

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    Replies
    1. It's one of the most memorable moments in a woman's life.

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  9. What a tribute to "auntyji" ! And the language, my dear, had me wiping tears of mirth! Knocking down someone with a bag so his past life came flashing by...seriously! And the angry bird dupatta! Absolutely hilarious!

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    1. Too bad I don't have lambe haath to pat my own back 😂

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  10. Lucky aunties, here is something to think about how come its the female gender that gets all the attention, why no such thing for the male's... I cud not believe my ears when on one of my travels (my car threw a tantrum, so i had to board this volvo bus ), a woman all white hair, at jullundhar stop says to me "UNCLE", I was flabbergasted I am sure there needs to be some sort of LAW against that .. on second thoughts it could be my Face , maybe i give the uncle look :) but sadly no luck with that too .. no body wants to give up their seat for a uncle now...

    Bikram's

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    Replies
    1. Haha....This is how Matajee remains young. By calling men younger than her, Uncle.

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  11. Hehe..what a great observation Purba...you nailed it... :-D

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    Replies
    1. Had to rely mostly on my daughter's account of her experiences with the Aunty kind :-)

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  12. Enjoyed reading metro wali Aunty.

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  13. This is the case in Ahmedabad too. Not only aunties but also college girls will stare at your seat so longingly that you'll just get up and walk out of a moving bus.

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  14. I'm anxiously checking my underarm now!! You rock at snarky posts, Purba!!

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    Replies
    1. Heh, thanks for reading, Roshni.

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  15. This article is rubbing salt on my wounds. I have received those stares in return even after surrendering.

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    Replies
    1. Next time return those stares with full full drama and emotion.

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  16. hehe No such experience here. The aunties also change from region to region. :)

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    Replies
    1. I suppose this aggressive behaviour is more expected from her North Indian counterpart.

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  17. Hilarious! And very accurate :D

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  18. I love these aunties. They bring so much color into life.

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    Replies
    1. I love them too but only from a distance.

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  19. Hilairous!! And I do know how it is in Delhi metros and buses :)

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  20. Your hilarious piece reminds me of the sikh land lady from city of Djinns by William Dalrymple.. Thanks for the perfect dipiction of Delhi..

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  21. Lovely happy start of the day for me.Thanks Purba and Good Morning !

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    Replies
    1. I am glad to be part of it :-)

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  22. Hilarious :D - some of these specimens have found their way to Bangalore as well (Bada beta jo IT mein hai, uski abhi abhi shaadi hui hai, you see), to keep a hawk-eye on her poor daughter in law whose silicon dreams (read pub-hopping & intense 'first night' sessions) got squished before she could say 'condom'. :P I know, because one such is my neighbor.

    This is super, am returning for more.. :)

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    Replies
    1. And I used to think this is a phenomenon peculiar to ladies residing in northern states of India!

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    2. Said lady *IS* from the northern side - Haryana, to be precise :D

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  23. ROTFL ! I am still laughing.Luckily I don't meet Metro wali aunties coz the metro in Bangalore still has far to go. But I have met quite a few during my Mumbai days.

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  24. ROFL ! You nailed it Purba...could not have been any better

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