Monday, June 1, 2015

Oh Golgappa, its Shit!

Also published on Huffington Post, India 

Indian culture has always prided itself on its openness about bodily functions. We are firm believers of doing it all in the open while closing our minds to uncomfortable truths that pose a threat to our delusions of grandiosity.We spit, shit, pee, dump garbage in the open because we believe in keeping our houses clean and surroundings dirty.

We are a proud nation of closed minds and open defecation.

All you need to do is crane your neck out of the window of your train to see rows of behinds showcasing our potty culture. Now before you lunge at my throat for being insensitive to an India for whom even a toilet is a luxury, let me tell you that the scores of newly built toilets that followed Modi’s clarion call of Swachh Bharat have very few takers.

Why be confined to airless, waterless structures masquerading as toilets, when you can fertilize vast fields with your refuse!

Of late, India has been witnessing a potty revolution. Why else would scores of people throng to theatres to watch a thespian actor talk non-stop about his blocked bowel movements for over two hours and make the film a blockbuster? With our new found gut feeling, we can denounce politics and piles in the same breath.

It has now emerged that even our much loved chaatwalas are at the forefront of this revolution. Recently, a series of studies conducted on samples of Delhi’s street food has revealed that the secret ingredient that makes it so legendary lies not in the combination of spices but deep within us. It’s the presence of faeces that makes it extra yummy and makes us swoon with ecstasy, later with food poisoning.

No 
wonder ganda-nallahwala chat corner’s gol-gappa tastes so yummy! 

I think it’s a brilliant marketing strategy. Every time I say oh shit, I am seized with a craving for golpgappas. Once I am amongst a throng of women gulping down balls of heaven, screaming bhaiya aur, bhaiya aur, all I think of is, oh shit! 

Courtesy - Mail Today
If we have survived to tell the tale, we owe it all to Maggi, the 2 minute wonder that has been coating our intestines with lead. Funny thing is, all this while we thought this Nirvana in a bowl for the cooking-challenged was a just alump of fried maida with masala seasoning. But now thanks to new laboratory tests, we know it’s not only making us fat but ‘lead’ing us to our graves with an extra tadka of MSG.

Bullshit!

What harm can a little bit of lead do to a nation of bravehearts that has been consuming tonnes of pesticides and carbide laced with veggies and fruits? And thanks to our love for all things Chinese, we are raising a generation that has ingested so many dubious chemicals while playing with made-in-China toys that their innards can survive even a radioactive leak. Of course, the same cannot be said for Delhi’s International airport that went into panic attack after a radioactive leak was reported from a medical consignment.

It comes as no surprise that people we were more appalled about a possible ban on Maggi than the presence of excess of lead and MSG.

Getting to the bottom of faecal matters, I no longer run after pigeons screaming profanities when I see them carpet-bombing my balcony with their shit. I simply run up to them hug them and call them revolutionaries. Or maybe, I could collect their poop, strike a deal with my local chaat corner and become the next Ambani! As such blogging doesn’t pay.


46 comments:

  1. Why only chaat, there is shit in our tap water too. We in Gurgaon build apartments first and sewage last.
    Sometimes I wonder how we survived so long. Also ever since Maggie has been banned, I have this urge to eat it everyday. Maybe the word ban has something to do with it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm telling you it's a brilliant marketing strategy. The more unhealthy it is, the more we crave it.

      Delete
  2. Brilliant,lady. But none of these sarcasms make no dents anywhere! Indians are too strong in their minds!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And constitution. We can ingest anything and live to tell the tale.

      Delete
  3. This tongue in cheek satire makes me think--how are we surviving all this?Is there no agency which can enforce minimum hygienic standards?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. What about fruits and vegetables laced with pesticides!

      The key to survival is, jo hoga so hoga.

      Delete
  4. "Recently, a series of studies conducted on samples of Delhi’s street food has revealed that the secret ingredient that makes it so legendary lies not in the combination of spices but deep within us"

    "Deep within us !!"

    Hilarious :D :D :D

    ReplyDelete
  5. The hygiene conditions in which street food is prepared in India is non existent. Even restaurant food for that matter. Hygiene is a way of life. Of course for street side eateries problems like access to clean water and rest rooms is a real issue. And hence all kinds of dirt and germs in the food. The other day, in a upmarket eatery, with an open kitchen, I saw a man scratching his groin and then using the same hands to roll out a roti. I can't tell you how sick I felt. Inspection has to become more strict but more importantly lessons in hygiene must be imparted to all. I hardly ever eat street food. I hate potty talk too. You deliver all the hard punches!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I saw a similar sight and stopped having ganderi after that.

      All we can do is frequent establishments that conform to high standards of hygiene,

      Delete
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  7. You see we are Darwin's favorite culture for our strong adaptability skills. Be it lead laced maggi or pesticides containing cola drinks we can flush down almost anything in our greedy tummies without even letting out a burp. Oh, we can just take in anything that promises to give us even a momentary relief from our own created miseries. We don't give a shit if it can harm us in long run, it's the moment that we relish even if that means releasing our waste in full public view. But yes, our houses must be clean because our Gods reside there. Outside he doesn't have any right on the property, for we know how to grab public properties even if we fail to safeguard our national territory. After all we are a peace loving nation!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah, and we love our street food to pieces :p

      Delete
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  9. I don't know if I should laugh at the brilliance of your sarcasm or cry about the bitter reality... I wonder where are we headed...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Aha! I scrolled down to comment something very similar to your own. I know now that my thoughts are very unoriginal.

      Delete
    2. Aha! I scrolled down to comment something very similar to your own. I know now that my thoughts are very unoriginal.

      Delete
    3. Why do you think we have 33 million Gods? All we need to do is pray harder.

      Delete
    4. It's not a crime to have similar thoughts :-)

      Delete
  10. 'We are a proud nation of closed minds and open defecation' -The line says it all! Loved being here and laughing my heart out, as always.

    P.S.
    I am one of those secretly wishing that Maggi continues to fill the shelves in my kitchen. Even thought of stocking it before they stop selling.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This is one mystery I have yet to solve. Why the hell do people like Maggi so much?

      Delete
  11. Interesting post. Now I will have to think before eating chat.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Which is why ignorance is bliss.

      Delete
  12. This was sarcastic and hard hitting at the same time. And yes, the Maggi dilemma continues.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It was always unhealthy, especially for growing kids.

      Delete
  13. Hilarious, yet made your point! Jo hoga so hoga, well said!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I had golgappas just yesterday :D

      Delete
  14. Shit would certainly be more earning than blog :)

    ReplyDelete
  15. How comforting to learn that small pleasures that I avoided were a worthy sacrifice, Purba:) still no guarantee that other stuff s safe! Best of luck in your endeavour to laugh your way to the bank!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Aww c'mon, Rahul. It's the germs that make street food so yummy!

      Delete
  16. We know little about what we eat and live in a potentially hazardous environment we call earth. There's this old joke that goes by the name 'A brief history of medicine':

    A Short History of Medicine

    I have a headache:

    2000 BCE: Here, eat this root.
    1000 AD: That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.
    1850 AD: That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.
    1940 AD: That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.
    1985 AD: That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.
    2011 AD: That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.


    Such is our knowledge, fragile, incomplete. But yes, lead is dangerous. And I don't know about faeces. It helps the plants for sure, and many stalwarts of supposedly indigenous Indian Medicine advocate Gaumutra and Swamutra, but their efficacy needs to be analyzed and quantified by data.

    Till then, keep your Gol Gappe waale bhaiya's pocket happy, okay?

    Cheers,
    Blasphemous Aesthete

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. There's no way I'm letting go of my golgappe wala bhaiya. We are meant to be each other's happily ever after.

      Delete
  17. Not the next Ambani, but Adani. I tell you, the path to making a successful entrepreneur is not through what goes into the stomach but what comes out of the large intestine!

    ReplyDelete
  18. india and its people are big joke. you will find adulteration in every food stuff and its run by politicians and their henchmen who ban maggi. if you go to any north indian sweet shop,they make with dalda , palm oil and sell them as pure ghee sweets.our health inspectors follow the indian leagcy of bribery or hafthas every month and they will make you feel like you are living in a country of blind.show me a restaurant that provides fresh and unadulterated food ,its very hard to find.if they want to ban maggi,they should ban all restaurants and eateries who loot people with so many taxes and services charges after providing stale food.once there was online debate and many indians were boasting greatness of india.i did ask them a simple question,TELL ME SOMETHING THAT IS GENUINE IN INDIA AND WHAT MAKES THEM PROUD? till date i din't get answer. its not about bashing india but truth is, indians don't have guts to lead honest or righteous life so they worship million gods to keep them safe.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. At least we are free to speak our mind, condemn what we think is not right, participate in protests unlike Middle Eastern countries.

      Delete
    2. whats the use when there is no value for protest,its same as middle east or china.its like a diabetic having house full of sweets .there is no difference between RIGHT TO SPEECH WITH NO VALUE OR NO RIGHT TO SPEECH.both are same.

      Delete
  19. Loved reading this. You rock at this.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Proud nation of closed minds and open defecation. Sums up Indians so well. Lol

    ReplyDelete
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    ReplyDelete

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