Thursday, August 6, 2015

Why a Ban on Porn is the best thing to have happened to India

Google images

United Nations has warned that India's population will rise faster than expected and beat China by 2022. Since our government is always in a hurry to achieve the unachievable, it promptly went ahead and banned over 800 porn sites. With so much spare time in hand, men and women will be forced to procreate to pass time and India will breach the target sooner than expected.

Thanks to their initiative, all of India, including the ones who never watched porn, now have a comprehensive list of 857 sites where they can watch porn.

30% Indian women, who according to a study watch porn online, are heartbroken. BJP spokesperson Hard Kaur Prawn Khanna has announced that the government will soon be coming up with a rehabilitation scheme for these women. An undisclosed source has claimed that it’ll involve watching a skimpily clad Baba Ramdev trying to kiss his own butt in a loop. Once satisfied, women will no longer be forced to ogle at hungry for attention men in shorts and tight shirts.

Now that Ministry of human resource and development is claiming Kamasutra is a book on Geometry since all it talks about is tryangles, youngsters will now have to rely on Chetan Bhagat books to educate them about sex.

Even though a majority has strongly condemned this ban that has deprived them of not only of achhe din but achhi raatein as well, all I see is the bright side. With no porn to watch, terabytes of data will be freed. Service providers like Airtel won’t have to hang their head in shame while claiming to offer broadband services. Teens will no longer be compelled to wait for their parents to go to sleep before they can switch on their laptop and log on to YouPorn. Parents can now walk into their progeny’s room fearlessly. Aunties can take a break from being every horny manboy’s fantasy and go back to their mundane existence. And men searching for Bong babes in sleeveless blouses can start visiting my blog again.

The government will not have to Google for 1001 flimsy excuses other than crop failure for farmer suicides. They can coolly blame the absence of porn.


Since it has emerged at least 2,50,000 attempts to visit porn websites were made on parliamentary computers last year, I am hopeful that our venerated MP’s and MLA’s will not be forced to stage a walkout for a porn-break.

Of course, there are some major concerns. It is learnt that Siemens has sent a letter to the government asking if they can expect a ban soon. Men named Hardik are wondering if they will have to apply for an A certificate. Since missionary has Christian connotations, couples are frantically enrolling for Baba Ramdev’s yoga classes to get more flexible.

Getting laid was never this strenuous.

Kamlesh Vaswani, the man who filed the PIL to ban porn is a happy man. With one swipe, he has got rid of pornography that’s worse than AIDS and Hitler put together. Thanks to his ceaseless crusade, innocent, susceptible, vulnerable women and children of India can breathe easy and access sites without fear of pop-up ads that show naked immoral men and women.

Now that India’s youth will be freed of the scourge of online porn, they will make better use of their hands and file public litigations against anything that irritates them – tolerance, respect, freedom to choose, personal liberty, the ability to laugh at oneself…The list is endless.

Since the government is training 3,000 beggars to sing paeans to Swachh Bharat, Beti Bachao, and other campaigns on local trains, I am hoping to bag free rides on Air India after writing this article. In fact, the government was so moved by it, they announced a partial lift on the ban even while I was writing it.

India can now feast their eyes on rustling sheets and imagine the rest of it.


64 comments:

  1. Wonder why they can't think before imposing ridiculous bans. Wasn't child pornography banned already? Such confusing signals, U turns and knee jerk decisions have made them a laughing stock.
    You said it in your inimitable style.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Especially ridiculous for a govt that harnessed the power of the Internet for its electoral win. They are now doing their best to control it.

      Delete
  2. Now what will people do with their high speed internet? kitni bright side dikhai hai aapne. And that too banning 800 sites when there must be more than 10,000 out there. Banning, it seems, is the favorite word of this government. Nicely done Purba Ray.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. They will hunt for more sites that can be banned for the sake of the greater good of the nation.

      Delete
  3. Because the parliament is disrupted, our honorable peoples representatives were unable to watch P0rn in there. So the ban was imposed so that the MPs and MLAs can go on a foreign TRIP to watch P0rn. Everybody is happy except the telecom companies... who are loosing on data revenue...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I welcome this sudden surge in speed. Imma gonna make hay till the sun shines.

      Delete
  4. Partial lift on ban hahaha! Loved the post dear!

    ReplyDelete
  5. The government doesn't seem to know what it wants to do. It would seem that we need to advise them on what must actually be done to offset the evils of porn. By the way, I too wrote a post on this.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Haha ..this is pretty funny. Actually the ban was imposed to prevent MPs from watching porn in the parliament.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Had they said this, all of us would have welcomed the ban.

      Delete
  7. "And men searching for Bong babes in sleeveless blouses can start visiting my blog again." TOO GOOD:) :)

    ReplyDelete
  8. Well written!! Also please go through the below article which states what goes in to porn-making and how it has affected yes women and children.http://luaren.tumblr.com/post/79627230804/yeah-because-you-can-totally-tell-how-smart-i-am#_=_

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I did when it was shared on Twitter.

      Delete
  9. Hello purba
    Such a great piece of writing with the right bits of sarcasm esp I liked that 'men looking for bong babes in sleeveless blouses' line!! Lol way to go

    ReplyDelete
  10. Hahahha!! Yes, I didn't know that they had actually published the names of all those sites!! Hopefully, it's still up! :P

    ReplyDelete
  11. I wish some politicians had their brains in the right place.What are their priorities?
    Even after all the outcry over Jyoti Singh Pandey's horrible torture I see numerous cars with the black film on--for example.Is it so difficult to ensure that this simple law is adhered to?

    This one had me grinning from ear to ear--
    skimpily clad Baba Ramdev trying to kiss his own butt in a loop.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Our future is even more laughable thanks to this bunch of zealots we elected.

      Delete
  12. Replies
    1. P, perfectly put... in your usual inimitable style! Hope you are doing a piece on the police arresting couples from hotel rooms for 'indecency'!

      Delete
  13. Loved the post.

    Porn was never discussed or written about before the ban. The ban has given it a special status and it's there on everyone's lips.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Including the ones who've never watched porn :p

      Delete
  14. Thoroughly cracked me up, this one. Still snickering at the book of tryangles bit!

    ReplyDelete
  15. Oh, they published the name of the sites. And you are telling me now. :-P Loved the post.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Haha! Thanks to them, all of us have those 850+ sites that do show porn. And to think, I only knew a couple before. Well, there's a time for everything.
    Smashing post as usual Purba!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Delighted that you liked, Sid!

      Delete
  17. I do not know what they will ban next, may be colored clothes or may be chowmein or may be me... :P loved your article was laughing all through

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think they should ban their cloying concern for us. We are adults capable of deciding what's right and wrong for us.

      Delete
  18. Kamasutra as the book of Geometry. Wonder why I never studied that in my Maths classes :-D What is to follow next? :-D

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Commasutra, a book on punctuation :p

      Delete
  19. This is what happens when people in high places have muddled priorities, as if by banning sites a panacea to all ills was found! Really sorry state of affairs!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. But doing a perfect job of pouring cold water over our optimism, block by block by block.

      Delete
  20. Ah.. Another ban! This time where it hurts the most.
    Well, Vir Das summed it well when he said 'Banning stuff is like India getting her periods.. Once a month, without fail'
    What does this ban plan to accomplish?
    What is the government trying to stop?
    Aren't there larger issues that need the
    government's undivided attention?
    The reality is-
    This ban cannot stay for long because it infringes on personal freedom, because people will always find ways to circumnavigate to get things that banned anyway.
    Because there are way too many things wrong with the way government finds something offensive so often.
    We elected them to lead us, not babysit us.
    ‪#‎Pornban‬

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Wonderfully put, Naveen!

      This show of cloying concern under the garb of bans is nauseating.

      Delete
  21. ROFL...after falling off the bed reading this ( unfortunately not while imitating the tryangles, that would be some tale to tell!) God! What did you eat to dish this out! totally Purbaesque!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I stopped watching porn for over 48 hours :D

      Delete
  22. Wonderful post! Congratulations on getting back your followers who want to read a Bong babe in sleeveless blouses :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Believe me, I wasn't behind the porn ban :D

      Delete
  23. 'Tryangles'! Your sarcasm is awesome!

    ReplyDelete
  24. Really superb. Again sarcasm at it's best.

    ReplyDelete
  25. Ha ha ! Loved it Purba."Bong babes in sleeveless blouses" is just too much :D ( Note that I have moved of LOL after TOI announced Ha Ha is the in thing now )

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. RIP LOL enthusiasts whose standard response to anything is LOL

      Delete
  26. Haha...Nailed it! Loved every word with the right amount of sarcasm!!

    ReplyDelete
  27. Howlarious!!! And my..i do love Youporn :P

    ReplyDelete
  28. You will soon be banned by the Govt and still make loads of money by marketing porn. Now, this post is soft porn, pun intended. The Govt just took away my Rosy Roti..am wondering where is Rosy now. Agar ban nahin lift karta, was planning to protest by writing porn.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. ROFL @ Rosy Roti.
      We are a country of jugaad. No ban can hold us back.

      Delete
  29. :) he he he he .. ah well it seems at least my broadband bill will come down next time i am in india .. I dont have to use it anymore wink wink he he he he ...

    I got a message from one of my mates in india about this ban and believe me.. I had just had a sip of coffee and it splurt out .. I could not help but laugh my head off ..

    and now the same incident has happened after reading this so its your fault :)

    Bikram's

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I took such a long time to reply to this comment, the coffee that you spilled must have turned to beans by now :p

      Delete
  30. ha ha ha... Please don't be sarcastic!

    ReplyDelete
  31. Ha ha ha....just too good! Superb tongue in cheek writing! Loved this one. Rustling sheets visual...ha ha ha!

    ReplyDelete
  32. Good post … I learn something totally new and challenging on websites .I stumbleuρon evеryday. It's always interesting to read through content from other writers and practice something from other web sites. financial consultant

    ReplyDelete
  33. I believe that porn should be banned around the world, through this we can protect our children's mind from engaging to sexual activity at an early age. Me and my colleagues from http://www.urgentessaywriting.com/write-my-essay-for-me has been pushing this porn ban for a few years now in our country.

    ReplyDelete

Psst... let me know what you are thinking.

LinkWithin

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...