Monday, October 12, 2015

An Open Letter by an Aggrieved Bhains

Also published on Huffington Post India
Clicked by my dear husband

Dear Gais and their children,

We’ve always known that our steaks are low compared to our fair-skinned sisters, the holy Gai. For centuries we have been subjected to unfair treatment simply by virtue of our skin colour. Yet, nobody even bothered to ask us how it felt to be treated like a piece of beefcake. Not a single feminist organisation came to our rescue or raised slogans on our behalf. If Cow is your Maa, doesn’t that make us your aunty? Is this how the world’s greatest culture that gave the world Cowmasutra, treats its aunties!

Is being born dark such a great sin that you’ll focus only at our inner boti and harbour unholy thoughts about us! We’ve suffered the indignities heaped on us with silence. We tolerated the blatant racism that even our shit is subjected to. Despite grazing at the same garbage bins and munching on the same plastic bags and bottles, cowdung is venerated and our shit gets equated to bullshit your elected representatives try to pass off as wisdom!

And now shit has hit the hoof.

Things have come to such a low for us that even the lowly goat has started getting more respect than us. Bhainsbehens association of India (BHAI) was far from amoosed when Union Minister Giriraj Singh equated goats and cows to Ma-behens of Indian mankind. In fact, few of our behens are feeling suicidal and considering storing mutton dressed as beef in their refrigerator.

What about us? Do we mean nothing to you? Does your heart not tremble when you don’t lynch men for daring to treat us as their lunch!

Dear children of cows, you are committing a grave mistake by pitting BHAI against GAI. We will no longer take it lying down. We shall rise on all fours and like Arvind Grazeliwal start a raita phelao andolan.

I don’t mean to brag. Rahul Gandhi has shown keen interest in having fodder with us. He’s also masticating on the possibility of empowering our lot. It is learnt from reliable sources that he’s arranging Jupiter's escape velocity for our upliftment.

Asha Bhainsle, spokesperson of BHAI has been contacted by none other than Arnab Gaiswami to appear on his show to debate on - Is Bhains the General Category of the Animal Caste system – The Nation Wants to Know! Or worse, are we the weaker sex!


We surely feel like one. Ignored and left to our own devices, feted by none with reservations for cushy jobs and seats in IIT’s and medical colleges. If you can’t save us, education and sarkari jobs will. For long we have trodden the less grazed path. We are tired of being seen but not herd!

How long will we carry pepper spray, dress in sacks and learn karate to protect ourselves from lecherous tongues? We dream of a day when you’ll sip our urine and be cured of bigotry and hate. We dream of a day when our calves will walk the streets with their tail held high, safe in the knowledge that if a man drools at them, a mob will collect and make mincemeat of him.

Why should gais have all the fun!

So, if you’ve drunk bhains ka doodh, don’t build sheds for us and let us feed on your garbage. Don’t fight poverty, prejudice, people who manipulate your hate to suit their divisive propaganda. Show your love by butchering those who butcher us.


Waiting earnestly,

Yours Sisterly if not motherly,

an optimistic Bhains







60 comments:

  1. And you do it again. Take it away, Purba Ray. Isse kehte hain mauke pe chauka! And yes, begone with the discrimination. As Mai ka Laal Gaikishen said, it doesn't matter if it's black or white. I stand in solidarity.

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  2. How can you turn every word of every sentence into such hilarious sarcasm :D This was such a good read and I am so LOL here :D

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    1. Blame our leaders and their non-stop gyaan on what's right and what's not.

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  3. Ha ha, shit has truly hit the roof. BHAI is rightly aggrieved that cow shit is holy but bull shit is, well, bull shit. Asha Bhainsle and Arnab Gaiswami - hilarious play of words.

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  4. Splendid play of words all through made it doubly hilarious.How you rope in every bit of bloomer in a post !

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    Replies
    1. Saturday morning, house swarming with workers and I'm going bonkers. So. I switch on the laptop and start writing.

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  5. Ha ha ha ha...i bow to thee...the mistress of words! Soooppperrrrr!!!

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  6. hahaha This was outstanding. One of your best, Purba!

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  7. Hans hans kar lotpot....walee post......:) :)

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  8. But they won't feel like laughing! Beware!

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    Replies
    1. There is a story in the Mahabharath. I had simplified it for my readers. Nothing to laugh, though:
      What Yudhishtira learnt!

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  9. A good pun is its own reword!

    You seem to have mastered this lesson! Lovely read; marvelous thought processes. Cheers!

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  10. All of the above, Purba. Truly funny.

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  11. hahaha really true and funny,,,,,,, awesome
    keep blogging

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  12. LOL! You did it again! Intense, fortuitous and gripping. Good show!
    http://myrootsmywings.blogspot.my/

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  13. What do i say now... :(

    but I am havaing a laugh neverthless :)

    Bikram's

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    Replies
    1. In India we can fight about almost anything.

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    2. oh yes .. picking up a fight is never a issue .. not just india even here toooo

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  14. Very entertaining post Purba. You could also call it "Bhains Ko Danda Kyun Maara".

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    1. Bechari khet mein chara chartee thee.

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  15. Oh yes! serious discrimination indeed. Why didn't we think of it? :D :)
    Love the puns!! You're so good at this. :)

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  16. Haahahah absolutely loved the witty wordplay :D

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  17. Last known, the bulls have also joined the aggrieved party, upset over the gender discrimination. And law makers are huddling to pass a law that makes it compulsory to get out of the car and bow down when a 'go mata' deigns to cross your path chewing the cud, even if it is bits of plastic bags. Relished your post, Purba! As always :)

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    Replies
    1. Pretty soon Chicken will be our chachi :p

      Thanks, Ilakshee :-)

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  18. Apparently, our great state of Haryana has ample love for this Aunty. So while Ma is left to fend for herself on the streets, Aunty gets to graze all day in the shade and then to bask in a nice mud bath that would put even the fanciest resorts of Kerala to shame. No racism here.
    In fact, so much love for them that there isn't any left for anyone else (maybe that explains the sex ratio of 700s!)
    Great post, Purba. May our foolish country keep giving you such great fodder for a long, long time!

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    Replies
    1. Apparently, Godrej hair-dye sells the most in Haryana. Guess, who uses it?

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  19. Good to catch up yet again with some rib tickler after a while, Purba! Reminds me of 'Meri bhains ko danda kyon mara':)

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  20. Even though the satire is bang on. But I really believe that this will not do a better job than "Bhains ke aage been".

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  21. Good to catch up yet again with some rib tickler after a while, Purba! Reminds me of 'Meri bhains ko danda kyon mara':)

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  22. Awesome !! Absolutely hilarious. Bhy are the Bhains so bhadly treated, indeed

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    Replies
    1. Bhains behens await our support!

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  23. Absolutely brilliant. I came across this on Huffington Post and followed your site.

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  24. This is India where everyday a new bapu and maa is born from nowhere and next day they turn out to be bloody rapist but the situation remains the same, only god changes not the fortune of our people.well written anyhow , thanks for the hilarious evening .

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    Replies
    1. It will if we stop paying heed to this bullshit!

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  25. From the land of MahishAsura, this philosophical treatise on Bhains. Jiski Lathi uski ?

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  26. Hilarious! So glad i bumped into your blog on this post! Gais have all the fun. What about the Aunties!!

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  27. Wow! May the poor bhains have their say! This writing is amazing ! :D Fun from the very first line to the last!

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  28. It's awesome! As good a satire as I ever read! A great job, ma'am! :)

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