Monday, October 26, 2015

Maggi Wapsi

Courtesy - Google images

The Bombay High Court on Thursday set aside the countrywide ban on nine variants of Nestle’s Maggi instant noodles, saying the national food regulator had acted in an “arbitrary” manner and not followed the “principles of natural justice” while banning the product.

The residents of Hungristan are dusting cobwebs from their kitchen pots and pans, nervously clicking gas-lighters, hovering near their gas-stoves, their stomachs rumbling in anticipation. Their favourite, sweetheart of millions, Maggiwati is returning after a long vanwas.

Though it’s been only a few months since she went missing, but it feels like a lifetime. Unable to bear the trauma of waking up hungry on those lonely nights, and no simmering Maggiwati to cuddle up to, Dharmendra had taken to writing angst filled poetry. His composition – My life is an empty bartan

                     baby jaan, you are my dhakkan, 
                     ajaa hila de mera chammach, is now a superhit Honey Singh number, providing succour to unhappy souls guzzling beer at happy hours.

When Sunny, Bunny, Chavanni first heard this song at Maaji Bar, they promptly burst into tears. Something they hadn’t done in decades. Maggiwati was their pole of support through hours of harrowing traffic, snarling drivers and cacophonous symphony of horns. All they had to do was get back home alive and she’d be waiting for them lying coiled in her aromatic glory, waiting to be devoured.

She was simple unlike most women. All it needed was just two minutes to reduce her to a gooey mass of deliciousness. Okay, it took more than two, maybe 10. But once you fell for her easy charms, she became a lifetime obsession. Try as you might, you could never let go of her. In fact, you locked her in your cupboard, hid her in your drawers and sometimes under the bed. She was the answer to every hungry hosteller’s prayer seeking succour from the tyranny of mess food, the brightest thing at a girl’s pyjama party. She reminded her fans, her passionate lovers, her lifelong devotees of Ma kaa pyaar – unconditional, uncomplicated, a little unhealthy and filled with calories.

Maybe this is what made her so charming – the sin factor. Her bad girl appeal made her all the more desirable. The more your parents told you to stay away from her, the more you lusted for her.


There’s an old jungle saying, too much of a good thing always attracts the evil eye. Just as Maggiwati was busy sowing oats with desh ki dhak dhak, Madhuri, people started casting aspersions on her character. The noodle of suspicion was pointed at her. Maggi was accused of ‘lead’ing men and women to the path of damnation and betraying their trust. She was dragged from one laboratory to another and asked to prove her purity even as she protested her innocence.

The reports were damning. They all claimed she was poison.

The witch hunt had started. She was put on a stake, humiliated, pelted with stones even by those who’d declared their undying love for her in the privacy of their rooms. She was thrown out of cupboards, drawers and asked never to show her face again.

From the pedestal to garbage bin – it was indeed a mighty fall.

Even as Maggiwati drapes her yellow sari, getting ready for ghar-wapsi with full honours, she can’t help but smile wistfully. In her absence, Lady Why Wai, Yippee Leone and Patanjali Devi had tried their best to snake themselves into the heart of her admirers but failed miserably. How can you fall for these fakes when you’ve tasted the best with lots of monosodium glutamate!

Maybe this was the agnipareeksha that every true love must go through. The humiliation, taunts, getting disowned by your dearest. She felt like a heroine of a historical saga. She felt Juliet’s pain, Heer’s trauma, Sita’s disillusionment. Only this time she didn’t have to die in the end.

On the contrary, she had fought back like an emancipated woman of the 21st century and finally restored her tarnished image to its restored glory.

Maggiwati couldn’t wait to slide down the hungry gullets of her lovers in all her masala laden glory. But first she’ll have to take care of the bitches who engineered her downfall.



63 comments:

  1. 'Meri Maggi ghar aayi, O' ......' :)
    You know what! I missed her!
    Great take, as always.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well, you know what, I wrote it on behalf of her big fans :p

      Delete
  2. Yep, my kids missed Maggi and so did I. She has been such a tasty companion. :) Nice ode to Maggiwatiji, Purba devi ji. :D

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Purba Devi jee never liked Maggi. In fact she never understood why she was adored so much.

      Delete
  3. OMG, ha ha. Did you sleep at all? After all the hard work, wasn't expecting a post soon.
    'The more your parents told you to stay away from her, the more you lusted for her,' a gem. And many more. This New Year, I plan to place Maggiwati back on the pedestal by throwing Maggi parties.
    Bah for oppertunism evinced by Patanjali Devi.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Of course, I did :D
      Was lying in my drafts folder since last week.

      Delete
  4. The second para had me laughing like a lunatic.Goddess of humor i bow before thee.

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  5. So Maggi had the last laugh despite all the damnation!Am sure the millions in subcontinent wait with open arms to welcome back:)

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  6. Haha. hilarious:-D. I had stocked a lot of Maggi when it was soon to be out of the market. I also asked someone to get it from me from abroad :-D.

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  7. I am imagining you with a puja ki thali in hand, crying with happiness while you do the tikka on Maggiwati.

    I don't know why I imagined that.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I don't know what made you think I like Maggi.

      Delete
  8. :) Thankfully I have never been a FAN of Ms. Maggiwati.. So I did not miss it at all.

    but to you Mam i got to say something JAHANPANAH TUSIN GREAT HONNNNNNnnn....

    when nothing brings a smile all one has to do is come over here and READ :) ..
    so THANK you

    Bikram's

    ReplyDelete
  9. But do you think we can trust Maagiwati turned from poison to amrut now? I donno...I stopped buying any kind of noodles from the stores now..itna dara diya Maagi behen ne...loved the post...missed reading your witty posts :) Hope you have unpacked completely and settled down.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I don't think her fans care much.

      Delete
  10. Now that Maggi has a gender!! finally, i can stop calling her , IT.
    I never did like the 2-D taste of Maggi...Not sure why,...maybe because my mom kept throwing the tastemaker out the window and used the noodles to make the usual ChowMein....so..in concluding..i should admit.. that Ive never...eaten Maggi?!! Good Lord.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Just when I thought that I was the only one who threw out the tastemaker!
      Phew, what a relief!

      Delete
  11. "Ghar aaja meri Maggi tera des bulayi re.. " (Please ignore grammar)
    Who wouldn't read this post ! It is the best one !

    ReplyDelete
  12. Can't wait for this Ghar Wapsi... when I breathe air filled with all kind of poison, a little bit ( or a lot in my case ) of Maggi never killed any body :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. No..Says who fat is unhealthy!

      Delete
  13. Ummm...Maggi and her luscious blonde curls are awaited eagerly in my household too. Tried this and that, the riff-raff, but the two Maggi connoisseurs at home would turn up their nose and wait for the real one! Quite a post!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. So many Maggi fans! And now I'm feeling out of place.

      Delete
  14. but where is Maggi . I cant see her, I mean it Anywhere around me in marts / shops / malls !
    Waiting and temporarily yipeeing but it is not replacing maggi :(
    good post as always

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Patience, my girl, patience! She'll be back in November.

      Delete
  15. I needed a good laugh and thank you for providing one. Absolutely loved this post :) Can't wait for Maggiwati to be back again. Btw, I never threw her out, she remained my guilty pleasure as long as she lasted :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sigh, I never liked her. Prefer Hakka Devi or Sri Soba.

      Delete
  16. "Maggie" everybody's favourite, mine too, but I am still worried eating it.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Hahaa! another good one from you. So it time to welcome back that bad girl, eh. :)

    I really, really enjoyed this post too. :)

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  18. An amazing read, as always. Can't wait for Maggi :)

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  19. Ha! I read the whole post with a grin. Although can never trust her again, No!

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  20. Buttttttttttt... she ditched us!!!! Dhokebaaz..

    ReplyDelete
  21. Hail the return of the Maggiwati.. My empty bartan has been long waiting for her and for her sinuous form to slide down my throat :D Awesome post.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think I was the least affected by the ban :p

      Delete
  22. whatever all the experts say, i just <3 my Maggi! seriously! :D

    ReplyDelete
  23. "...she had fought back like an emancipated woman of the 21st century...". I really like this reference and consider this to be the highlight of the post. Yes, I do love Maggi and I am eagerly waiting for the return of the beloved Maggiwati. But the reference is quite apt.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I am glad you related to it.

      Maggi has to be a woman , no?

      Delete
  24. And, she passed the Agnipariksha with the whole hoopla about Ghar Waapsi and ugli politics, videshi takat and all. Can we live without Maggi, our savior the damsel in distress who rescue us?
    Love this line, Even as Maggiwati drapes her yellow sari, getting ready for ghar-wapsi with full honours, she can’t help but smile wistfully.

    Do check this old post if you have time:
    https://vishalbheeroo.wordpress.com/2015/06/08/mera-maggi/

    ReplyDelete
  25. "not followed the “principles of natural justice”?!! What on earth?! Sounds like just another bakwas judgment swayed by popular sentiment!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Or it was a corporate conspiracy

      Delete
  26. Thanks indiblogger for introducing me to Purba Ray, I enjoy her writing.

    ReplyDelete
  27. Terrific! So much scheming and planning for a return. Maggiavelli..er..Machiavelli would have been proud.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Therefore proved we have high tolerance even for toxic unhealthy foods.

      Delete
  28. Never thought that a serious topic can be changed into such a hilarious post! Too funny!

    ReplyDelete
  29. I have always been a Maggi lover n even when she went missing in India ..I was still connected with her
    all the time ;)



    Ethnic Wear by Vintage Desi

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh yes, she was waiting for you at the Indian store.

      Delete
  30. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. A Flash sale that will break all records.

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  31. All this coming from a person who is not obsessed with Maggi? :P Its my first time here and I loved reading this one! There's this feeling of guilt in me whenever I hear the moms in the new Maggi ad say "Maggi surakshit thi". I truly feel if Maggi was a person, she would be receiving lots of sorry notes!

    ReplyDelete
  32. Love your blog .. you have a knack for writing .. Keep going.. If you write a book you have a buyer already..
    Can you pls point me to more such humorous blogs like yours ?

    ReplyDelete
  33. Maggi is back in stores in our area and Eben ate it.Taste has changed little.Maybe they used less Mono sodium glutomate.

    cashbackoffers savingskart.im

    ReplyDelete

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