Saturday, November 21, 2015

In His MataaJi’s Service

Courtesy - Twitter.com

Pahleaaj Cutwani, chief Censor Bore of India has the world’s toughest job. It’s not easy being the ‘maali’ of the Garden of Eden, relentlessly snipping and pruning amoral apples to keep Adam away from temptation. Adam is a gullible fool. He needs to be told what he wants and kept away from sin. Then there’s naughty Eve and her naughtier python, tantalising Adam with unnecessary skin show. For the greater good of mankind, Pehleaaj has tried several times to tempt Eve into wearing clothes. He even gifted her a Satya Paul sari. But that evil woman prefers draping the python, not around her unmentionables but her neck. Yeesh! Even that stupid python refuses to wear the cool designer Yoga wear that Cutwani bought from Baba Reebokdev store. I mean you have to be an idiot to refuse a miraculous garment that can cure piles, homosexuality, eczema and bad body odour with just a tug of the naarha.

Pehleaaj has appointed himself as the conscience keeper of the Garden of Eden (GE), even if it’s at the cost of becoming the butt of unkind jokes by immoral people who have nothing better to do. These are but small sacrifices you make when you are in His Majesty’s Service. Like the ordeal of having to watch that old man Craig kiss the older woman Belucci for such an excruciatingly long time. Since he could not see a mangalsutra around Monica jee’s neck, Pahleaaj Cutwani was quick to deduce they were not married.

What kind of culture allows elderly men and women to indulge in such brazen behaviour when they should be engaged in pooja-paath and satsang!

Of course, Pahleaaj was extremely upset. There’s no way he could let his great culture get corrupted by this lowly culture that makes such a show of lust. Imagine the catastrophic influence a man well into his 40’s, who has yet to marry, but is not a virgin and doesn’t stay with his parents, can have on the gullible Adam! What’s more, the shameless man beds a new woman every week without getting charged for rape!

Had Bond been brought up with right sanskars, he would never have let Halle Berry jee come out of the ocean half naked. Instead, he would have run up to her and said – behen, aapke ke pass kapde nahin hai?

Desi bond can never get the license to kill. In our Garden of Eden, to get one measly license, one has to fill 25 forms in triplicate and then bribe ‘different-different’ officers to get them do the work for which they are paid salaries from our taxes.


Pahleaaj Cutwani has made up his mind. Since it’s too late to change this dirty British agent 007, he will create his desi version who’ll be purer than Ganga-jal. Of course, he’ll have to collaborate with Sooraj Barjatiya to make it into a wholesome entertainment that the entire family can watch while munching Kurkure.

He’ll be called Prem, Prem Boondiwale. A halwai in the kingdom of Pritampur, he doubles up as a secret agent when business is slow. Since he’s a devout bhakt who fasts on Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday and refuses to indulge in non-veg activities on these days, his missions will take years to complete. By that time the villain will die of boredom, hence no need for unnecessary violence. Prem has only two true loves, his Maajee and his pet Pomeranian Barfi and he kisses neither of them. Not even chastely. The women of Pritampur call him Boondiwale bhaiyya and in his free time, he often plays antakshari with them. Prem’s favourite drink has to be Goumutra shaken not stirred, a sprig of tulsi tossed in carelessly. He will drive around in a Nano with seats still covered with plastic.

Prem’s Maajee is in fact M, the head of MI6 and he is employed in his MataaJi’s service. This will take care of the women’s emancipation angle.

If his mission demands he cavort with women from other lowly cultures, he will seduce them by lighting agarbattis in his bedroom and then introduce them to his Maa.

Cutwani can’t stop smiling. All the khadi yoga outfits that he’d bought for that ungrateful python can now be worn by Prem, his new hero, with no license to kill. His new flick will have 32 songs, including Diwali, Rakhi and Holi item numbers and 6 desh-bhakti geets that’ll be played at all parties for the next decade. He already has a list of movie titles – Casino Gayo Bhaad Mein, For Your Bhai Only, The Chaiwala Who Loved Me…. The script can always be written on set as the shooting progresses.

If only Pahleaaj Cutwani can issue a diktat that allows only him and Barjatiya to make films, he will turn GE into heaven. And if he makes sure his movies are like the bhakti video he made in honour of his Majesty, no one will ever feel like watching movies.

No bamboo, no flute.

Brilliant!



61 comments:

  1. hahaha, i just kept laughing reading this whole camaraderie

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  2. Cutwani, the moral inspector who produced Sanskaari gems like Aag Hi Aag, Aag Ka Gola and Ankhen (the Kader Khan Govinda Chunky Pandey and the monkey movie) so he knows the length of a sanskari lip lock. A second longer and our culture gets threatened.
    Fun read Purba.

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    Replies
    1. Cutwani even picturised a song on Anil Kapoor that had him singing 'khada hai khada hai' to Juhi Chawla, in a lungi.

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  3. Ha ha such a fun read. Loved the way you roped all the great sansakris in. Still laughing at Prem Boondiwale and his favourite drink.

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  4. The Maataji and seducing the girls by lighting agarbattis... Soooo hilarious... Awesome....

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  5. The Maataji and seducing the girls by lighting agarbattis... Soooo hilarious... Awesome....

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  6. Long time since a very hilarious and meaningful stuff.. Kudos

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  7. The ostrich like stance taken by the custodians of morality is not helping in the current social environment! unfortunately we are unable to rise beyond prem ratan dhan trash doled out:)

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    Replies
    1. The Ostrich like stance is deliberate.

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  8. I could not stop laughing reading this one... I watched Sanskari James Bond only yesterday and the vision of Monica with Mangalsutra makes my laughter louder than blasts that bond so prolifically makes in the movie.. Looking forward to Prem Halwai version soon :)

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    Replies
    1. Can you recommend my name to Cutwani jee?

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  9. This is too good :D The whole Adam, Eve and the Python ... 'gullible' Adam :D How can your imagination run so wild !

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  10. Very nice .. Keep going..

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  11. Mr. Cutwani should henceforth be called 'Dr.No'.

    The CBFC should make a movie..."From CBFC, With Cuts"

    Frankly, the CBFC thinks it knows how to snip and customise 'For Desi Eyes Only'

    Indian audiences, which must have braced themselves for a 3 hour long movie must have been disappointed with the 'Quantum of So Less'

    As always, loved reading. :)

    Cheers
    CRD

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  12. Ha ha..very funny...enjoyed :):)

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  13. Hahhahha,,,,ekdum jhakkaaas!!!

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  14. hahah! it cracked me up! brilliant writing and what a solid and 'sanskaari' satire! :D

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  15. Heh heh! Great sense of humor! :D

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  16. hahahha poori tarah leli Desi-Bond ki :P
    casino jaaye bhaad me . LOL

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  17. You are amazing, Purba. Hats off to you.

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  18. Lol....howlarious, streaming eyes, aching sides, lady you are just too good! Pehleaaj Cutwani, Prem Boondiwala and Goumutra with a sprig of tulsi....are going to have a cult following!

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  19. The cherry on the cake was, he had not even watched the movie! the way things are going, we will soon have smoke alarms going off from bedrooms and any other place where this sinful action is taking place beyond the prescribed length. Trying to imagine goumutra cocktail with a sprig of tulsi and the look of bliss...

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    Replies
    1. If only he could censor crimes against women, apathy and corruption instead of acting like the nation's Granddaddy.

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  20. Lol...I'm still laughing. I would so love to watch this film.:)
    What a way to seduce girls! Maybe Mataaji would complete the process by gifting them sarees.

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  21. Cutwani! I'm laughing from the very first line... :-D

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  22. Refreshingly funny!
    Plus,I had the privilege of reading it with your voice playing in the background, courtesy BNLF, and the results,were howlarious!
    Kudos!

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  23. All the theatres will have a ghanti at the entrance.. And in the interval, we can even do an aarti...

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  24. Ha ha ha ! Hilarious Purba. Prem Boondiwale was just awesome !!

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  25. Love your filmi titles - Casino Gayo Bhaad Mein, For Your Bhai Only, The Chaiwala Who Loved Me!! LOL!!

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    Replies
    1. Hehehe..this part was the most fun.

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  26. You have one of the funniest blogs in Indian Blogosphere.Iam a regular reader.Keep going

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    Replies
    1. Thank you for your encouraging words :-)

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  27. haha!! Can't stop myself from laughing. And, trust me, if they read the posts, they gonna borrow your titles to make Bhakt movies with Pahleeaj as the director..Aankhein se mat dekh!!!! Love the name Cutwani. Just imagine only Sooraj-Pahlaj combo to knock our senses.

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    Replies
    1. Nothing can beat the crappy video he made to honour his master.

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  28. :) hey well i dont mind as long as they take Salman khan as the hero :) he he he ok I better shutup because I can visualise you writing a post on that too now ...

    he he he :)

    Bikram's

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  29. Lolzzz... humorous post :)
    nice read...

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  30. Amazing read...Big fan of yours madam

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  31. I have the habit of listening to music in the evening before bed, but just can not listen to music online that want to download and then listen, because I used my phone off when going to bed waves
    baixar musicas , baixar musicas , baixar musicas , baixar musicas , baixar musicas , baixar musicas , baixar musicas , baixar musicas , baixar musicas , baixar musicas , baixar musicas , baixar musicas , baixar musicas , baixar musicas , baixar musicas , baixar musicas , baixar musicas

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