Monday, May 9, 2016

How to be a true Patriot

Also published here 
Image courtesy - Hinduphobe Purba Ray

With the advent of the great leader who can do no wrong but is always wronged, India’s timeline can now be divided into BAD (before acche din) days and SAD (super achhe din) days. During BAD days being a patriot was like being a blogger. Anybody could be one as long as you were Indian. It helped if you loved almost all things Indian, swore by Bollywood, supported the Indian cricket team by heckling Pakistani cricketers on field, looked for Indian restaurants (usually called Taj Mahal) when on a foreign trip and not complain when you ended up with diarrhoea the next day. Since we were governed by a corrupt dynasty, it was perfectly okay to fret about the country’s future which seemed to be wandering aimlessly like a cow in the city. We’d often critique the lawmakers who’d break laws with impunity and crack a few jokes at their expense even if it meant going to jail. 

Despite all misgivings, candle marches and angry Facebook posts against all that we felt was wrong with our country, we could take her love for granted. It was a ‘tedha hai paar mera hai’ kind of love.

Not anymore. Now that our great leader has banished all evil with a flick of his finger and even taken selfies while doing it, we are living the SAD days. This is the golden era where everyone’s tolerant towards each other and their beliefs, debate is actively encouraged and we can express what we feel without getting lynched by trolls online. Yet, there’s a section of ungrateful citizens who think otherwise. They create controversies by finding faults in our faultless leaders, return awards that nobody’s heard of and write scathing articles questioning our elected, to spread dissent.

This cannot be tolerated, especially by proud Indians.

So, they have decided to take matter into their own capable hands and made patriotism the new Maggi. Like Maggi, patriotism has to pass stringent quality tests, but can still be declared suspect at the slightest slight that can be imagined as insulting to Mata B. The MSG is clear, Mata’s affection cannot be taken for granted. It now comes with terms and conditions. We have to prove our love again and again to not one but a rising number of hyper-nationalists who are crawling out like termites from woodwork.

Mata is now behaving like a bombshell who demands unquestioning devotion while you place her on the pedestal and worship her. Like any complete package, if you adore her, it is your duty to pay obeisance to her Daddies in saffron and her many pets who spend an awful lot of time barking. Dare you have reservations against her many Daddies, you are obviously a moronic Hinduphobe traitor.

Beam them to Pakistan, Scottie! Or is it Satyaveer now?


When it comes to expressing their heartfelt emotions, Mata enthusiasts are constantly breaking new ground. After all, how can the nation accept you if are not shouting from the rooftops, mouthing over the top declarations that border on jingoism, thumping your chest wildly and refusing to accept any point of view but yours? There can be no room for moderation. You can either be her ‘righteous’ defender, else you are an anti-national. It’s either BMKJ (Bharat Mata Ki Jai) or Off With Your Head. Ouch!

What’s more, you may be an anti-national and not be even aware of it. To add to your woes, there’s no compilation of anti-national activities in one helpful list that dutiful citizens can consult from time to time. The list keeps growing like Modi jee’s travel itinerary and any proud Indian is free to add their favourite activity to it. One day it’s being a secular, free-thinking, pseudo intellectual and the next day it’s Dalit students, Left intellectuals, human rights activists and before you can say hey Ram, its’ beef eating, anti-nuclear activists, non-haters of Pakistan. Phew! Why, just the other day doctors prescribing non ayurvedic medicine were declared anti-nationals by AYUSH minister Shripad Yesso Naik!

Interestingly, these missives come with riders. Eating cornflakes and noodles is anti-national until it is from Patanjali, a 100% patriotic business empire. Having sex is against our culture but not if you’re following Sakshi Maharaj’s directive and copulating for the purpose for reproducing a minimum of 4 Hindu babies. If the baby threatens to be a girl, Baba Ramdev’s herbs will make a penis grow magically. If the baby boy shows unhealthy interest in other baby boys, Baba Ramdev’s asanas will tie him up in knots till he begs for forgiveness. Your bank will strip you of all your belongings and send goons to your house if you fail to repay your modest loans on time. But you are allowed to strip the bank of all its funds with humongous loans if you have the right connections. Appropriating public funds for personal gain is an acceptable patriotic activity as long as the high priests of Mata B turn a blind eye.

Even as I am writing this blasphemous article, three more activities have just been added and you are not even aware of it. Distressing isn’t it, trying so hard to be a true patriot and failing again and again. It’s just like sitting for CA exams! Don’t we all want to be part of the PELT (Patriotic Elite) club who are allowed to issue as many diktats but follow none of them!

The government understands it is difficult to keep yourself constantly updated to be a 100% certified patriot and has decided to address your concerns by introducing the BMJK app. Once you install this helpful app, you will keep getting notifications for every new anti-national activity. The app also has the reward feature. Swabbing your floor with gomutra, supporting Anupam Kher in whatever and whoever he’s protesting against, abusing paid media online, beating up traitors as you scream BMKJ will earn you 500 reward points each. If you cut gobar cake on your birthday, you will get a bonus of 1500 points. If your cow has participated in a bovine beauty pageant, you will get direct entry into the PELT club. As you earn more reward points, you’ll start noticing subtle changes in your countenance. Your heart will start feeling heavier with nationalistic pride and righteousness. Your shoulders might start to stoop a little because you’re now bearing the burden of being the sole protector of your Mata’s pride. You might find yourself drawn to Patiala House by some invisible force.

You will know you have turned into a true patriot once you start deciding what’s best for others and dictate what they should be eating, reading, thinking and speaking, while furiously brandishing the BMKJ sword.

In these SAD times, the sword is mightier than the pen.



44 comments:

  1. After reading this, all I want to see is Kiran Rao and you fighting for a window seat on your flight to Lahore. I would have said London, but that sector is reserved for the Queens and Kings of Good Times.
    Angry. Stellar. Post. Bravo.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I've heard life is really good in Lahore as long as you are not a woman.

      Delete
  2. Taking a step further, one can accumulate points of loyalty to move from Tier Blue, Silver, Gold and Platinum and encash the reward points :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I hope the government is enlisting your help for this app.

      Delete
  3. The cure for that is, Patanjali from head to toe. Poor Maggi, even all the tests not helping her proving her patriotism and she might find her way to Pakistan. Bang on, Purba:)

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  4. Hahaha…oh my! Maybe they could start coaching classes to join PELT, it would make things easier. And then they can provide merit certificates to the truest patriots among the lot :p :p.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's free. Just contact a bhakt nearest to you.

      Delete
  5. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  6. There are some condemnable, extreme right voices like the Ayush minister you mentioned. I could feel your angst in this scathing piece. Hope the govt pays heed to constructive criticism and works on their shortcomings.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's time the government put a rein on its so called supporters on social media and their vitriol.

      Delete
  7. Holy Mother Cow! Someone said this, let me sleep peacefully now.

    ReplyDelete
  8. You hit it where it hurts...And we all need certificates for almost everything....including for Patriotism.. Well we have our priorities sorted out ...for this country...after all we are in 21st century , in a hurry to go back to 10th

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The more we want to move forward, the more the number of people who are trying to pull us back.

      Delete
  9. An inspiring write that shows patrioticism is not a mere word

    ReplyDelete
  10. You hit the nail on the head with this post.
    Efficient and effective.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Ouch....that's a patriotic post indeed....!...:)

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  12. Patriotism is a feeling which can't be shown. Your actions show that you think about your country or not.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Agree. And that includes respecting all views however contrary they may be.

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  13. Some cold water? Some injury to go with your insult? The march of fascist nationalism is scary to say the least.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Loved it! Well said about Patanjali and other related brands, persons.

    We are going back to BAD days and probably before civilization days.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Our ancestors lived their lives more wisely than us. Sadly, that wisdom is missing in SAD and BAD days.

      Delete
  15. So look forward to downloading this app as soon as my feet touch Indian soil! After all, we NRIs are the worst offenders and we too may not even know it!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, they have no business feeling distressed and commenting on affairs of a country they abandoned :p

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    2. LOL!!! You noticed thatpost!! :D

      Delete
  16. true patriots don't like to stay in a country like india which has gone rogue long back.its pseudo-patriots who wave flag during cricket matches and gang up when someone speaks truth about india. you will find rowdy-rogues where ever you go in india cuz its failed in governing state.

    we live in a country of blind where one eyed man/woman is the king/queen.(cbse english lesson by h.g wells). people with two eyes(morally right/honest) are considered as anti-india. so its better for two eyed people to leave country of blind to blind and one eyed. i want to write more comprehensively but its really waste of time cuz most of indians are not going to change.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Prasad, you should write about this.

      More and more of us need to express how disgusted we are with hooliganism trying to pass off as patriotism.

      Delete
  17. Blimey I being a NRI am the worst then .. Not a patriotic .. How dare I say anything .. I better SHUTUP ..

    Bikram's

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Jee..When you abandoned Bharat Mata, she abandoned you.

      Delete
  18. My recipe is to stay away from social media. I think this phenomenon will not change with the change of the party at the Centre. Because we have social media evangelists whose only job is to cry at every slight real or imaginary and heap abuses on those who may not agree with them no matter how stupid their point. The abuse on social media has completely put me off. There is no debate, no give and take, just abuse and counter abuse.

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  20. I read a quote somewhere that a piece of charcoal is enough to throw the country into chaos translating to a simple statement written on a wall with it will invoke a whole lot of vehemently emotional reactions
    .....it's in our Dna Purba! :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We are a bunch of emotional fools who can be manipulated easily by vested interests.

      Delete
  21. Super cool! I don't actually much understand politics, but loved it because of the satire. You nailed it! :D

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  22. Awesome post Purba. I am rolling at the floor laughing !! Absolutely brilliant wit at the state of affairs today !

    ReplyDelete
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  24. SAD days are here as Gau Rakshaks are safeguarding us 24x7!!!!

    ReplyDelete

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