Wednesday, June 29, 2016

Death by Humidity

Courtesy - Google images

The last few weeks my hair has been behaving like Salman Khan (and his many controversies). It simply refuses to settle down. On a good hair day I look like Sai Baba (the one who dazzled his devotees by fishing out gold chains from his armpits). On a bad hair day I look like I have been freshly electrocuted. In fact if I can perfect my roaring skills, I can be easily mistaken for Lion King.

Gurgaon weather has become a copycat. It has started mimicking Kolkata’s horrible humidity. The type where there’s so much moisture in the air that you start resembling an Amazonian forest in full bloom. Your back hasn’t seen a dry day since May and you alternate between taking a shower in salty water that your body generates and water from the showerhead. Even the tiniest physical activity like a walk to the neighbourhood veggie store makes your body weep and you leave behind not footprints but tiny puddles. Unfortunately, Gurgaon is yet to adopt Kolkata’s lack of work culture where everyone treats work with disdain and prefers engaging in heated debates about Spain’s economic crisis in between sips of chaa and leisurely naps.

The good thing is that this muggy weather has taken care of my vanity. I avoid looking at the mirror at all costs – don’t want to see a hair-framed glistening blob of oil staring back at me. I’m not exactly doing my heart a favour when I scream a loud nahiiiiiiiiin and it races faster than Usain Bolt. Sometimes I have so many oil deposits on my face that I fear the all new fearless America led by Trump will invade me.

It has also turned me deeply religious. I am either praying to the Rain gods to relent and wash us away with its bounties or turn me into a plant so that I can soak in the joys of humidity.

Even god prefers multiple options.

Since I have started resembling a leaky faucet, I have decided to put myself to good use. If I have to move furniture in the house, I simply sit on it and wait patiently for my sweat to start working its magic. Ten minutes later when I get up the chair is firmly stuck to me a like a baby kangaroo to its mom, ready to move to newer plains. If I spot stains on the glass windows of our 16th floor apartment, I hang upside down like a bat and start rubbing my back against it till it becomes squeaky clean. I no longer reach out for the salt shaker when I discover our cook has forgotten to season the dal yet again. I simply stir it with my little finger. I have offered my services to Moms who are looking to scare their kids for not listening to them. I discovered this hidden talent when I semi-glared at a kid who wouldn’t stop fiddling with the control buttons inside the lift. One look at me and he clung to his Mom like fungus, his eyes shut in fear.


Had I been a few inches taller, I could have easily replaced Bipasha Basu in the many paranormal movies she does these days.

Before you all start clucking in sympathy, let me tell you, it’s not all that bad. These days I no longer have to rely on makeup, strenuous workouts and a killer wardrobe to turn into a yummy Mummy. All I need to do spend an hour cooking and I emerge from the kitchen cooked to perfection in my perspiration and smelling of aromatic spices. Some days, I even imagine myself as Ursula Andress in Dr No emerging from the ocean. Only this time the desi Ms Andress is mumbling ‘kee gorom’ (it’s so hot) under her breath as she wrings out sweat from her dress.

It’s even better for men. They don’t have to rely on wit, a deep baritone and subtle flattery to make a woman go weak at her knees. All they have to do is raise their arms and their object of desire crumples in a heap at their feet. I have a feeling Shankar Mahadevan got the inspiration for ‘Breathless’ when he was travelling in a Mumbai local.

Subramanian Swamy is right. Not just ministers, all Indian men including waiters should switch to Indian attires. It’s no fun sweating in suffocating shirts and trousers and raising a stink when they can experience the joys of cross-ventilation in a dhoti!

Monsoons may tend to behave like a VIP guest who thinks it’s beneath their dignity to turn up on time. It may not be raining outside, but trust me, all of us are, inside our homes and offices. It’s as if we have turned into nimbus clouds dense with vapour, walking around like zombies. Swimming, guzzling cold drinks and snacking on fruits are only temporary solutions to combat humidity. I appeal to Ms Universe contestants to give up on world peace. Dearies, try eradicating humidity instead!

And till that happens, I shall sweat my way to greatness. Wasn’t it Edison who said, genius is 99% perspiration? Well, I am just 1% away from being a genius.





80 comments:

  1. It's been terribly muggy and humid. Could identify with everything you said.

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    Replies
    1. This year has been terrible.

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  2. Okay. While I can't quite 'relate' to what you've said (fortunately due to the Bangalore weather that has suddenly turned back into the weather that we are familiar with!), I can totally understand the pains. I've heard lots of people talk about the humidity there and you have my sympathies. I honestly cannot put up with humidity. Heat, perhaps. Humidity, no way. And that's without the 'hair raising' issues that most people have to.

    PS. you're already a genius at making us laugh. :D

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    Replies
    1. I want to be in your shoes too, to be able to write 'i can't quite relate to your woes!"

      P.S Thank you :-)

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  3. haha!! You alright? Where such craziness comes to make us read the best thing in the morning. Thought of giving some advice to Arnab in the season after his cuddle with PM Modi?

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    Replies
    1. I'm keeping myself sane by keeping off news channels.

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  4. We have to brave this weather till Sep :( Worst with all the sweat one is left with no energy! At least you made us laugh.

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    Replies
    1. Delhi weather is mostly terrible - it's either too hot, too humid or too cold.

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  5. Classic Purba humour! And all so true. In fact, I am turning all chapatis into parathas by rubbing them on my forehead before eating.
    Such dreadful weather. It's the only terrible thing about Gurgaon after its people, traffic, infrastructure, administration and law and order.

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    Replies
    1. HAHAHA, should have discussed with you before writing this post.

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  6. Sympathies from the heartland of humidity a.k.a Mumbai! We just finished raining ourselves so I can totally empathize with what you are saying! Its just so bizarre that one sweats profusely while sitting absolutely still right under the fan and probably doing something as intensive as reading the morning papers! I could add another aspect to the positives of humidity - my cracked heels desire this much humidity to totally seal up, take note Krack cream guys! Enjoyed this one! Sending across some cool waves and a few clouds your way ;)

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    1. True, my skin glows so bright with oil that I don't need to switch on the lights in the evening.

      We could definitely do with some clouds and cool breeze, Kala!

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  7. Yes,this season GURUGRAM has been very humid....
    This is the time to be in Mumbai..Its raining and Hugh tide at Juhuand Marine Drive are a pleasure to watch.

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    Replies
    1. I wish I were rich enough to own an apartment in Mumbai.

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  8. I don't know to laugh of wipe sweat from my fingers that are unable to type because even the fingertips are sweating..... Gurgaon walas have always doubted a Bat woman in neighborhood now we know where she lives... :)

    On serious note WE NEED RAINS NOW :)

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    Replies
    1. Bat woman who has turned batshit crazy. Damn you, humidity!

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  9. You're such a cool writer! I just discovered your blog today and can't stop reading your 'seriously funny' posts :) thanks for making my very boring and chaotic day so exciting!!

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  10. Never rad a better description of humidity.Even while suffering from all this you made me forget it and laugh :-D

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    Replies
    1. You are always too kind, Indu.

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  11. Classic Purba humour! We had a short spell of muggy weather in April- May and it was killing us. Your post brings back the memories of my Mumbai days. πŸ˜ƒ

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    Replies
    1. It's been especially bad this year.

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  12. Good read! It reminds me of a nice quote: Both tears and sweat are salty, but they render a different result. Tears will get you sympathy; sweat will get you change.
    Jesse Jackson

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  13. Haha, one more plus point- no need to visit the beauty parlors for doing a facial. But I suppose beauty is the last thing on your mind at such a weather. Hope you're blessed with rains soon. :)

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    Replies
    1. Thank you! But come rains and it'll be the beginning of yet another horror story - clogged roads, traffic snarls and frayed tempers.

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  14. In arid and hot regions,women put on a burqa to trap body moisture that is so vital for the skin.Be happy that we are able to Salman it in this God's own country !

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    Replies
    1. Every cloud has a silver lining, I guess.

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  15. Salty, saline and savoury! Thank you Purba for this oasis:)

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    Replies
    1. Thank you for reading, Amit.

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  16. I was sweating like a soaked sponge just when blogger led me to your ultra-humid post. Amazing read! Take a bow for raising War Against Humidity

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    Replies
    1. My intolerance is rising for humidity. Time to return some awards.

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  17. I was sweating like a soaked sponge just when blogger led me to your ultra-humid post. Amazing read! Take a bow for raising War Against Humidity

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  18. Calling something ridiculously funny is still a compliment, right! Coz it's kinda hard to think of words and metaphors while, you know, ROFLing !
    So many beautiful one liners-"so many oil pits that USA might attack"! Ha ha!

    It's been a while that I have been to any blog and I am so happy to have come back to reading with this one ! :)

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    Replies
    1. I don't blame you. You now have a solemate to return home to :-)

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  19. ha ha :D Had a great time reading this! You made humidity sound so entertaining :)

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  20. I laughed crazily at "I have so many oil deposits on my face that I fear the all new fearless America led by Trump will invade me." This write-up will now help me tolerate the remaining of the humid weather in Delhi ;) Purba you are a writing genius and I adore you so much.wish I can be even half as good as you.

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    Replies
    1. I feel overwhelmed, blessed and loved. Thank you so much, Jiggyasa.

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  21. I could never imagine humidity to be so much fun. Loved it! And I sincerely wish the rain Gods granted some respite.

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    Replies
    1. Rain gods are showing too much attitude. Must be the Delhi effect.

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  22. Hahahaha I can't remember the last time a blogpost gave me such a good laugh!

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  23. What a kaleidoscope of humour! It is self-deprecating at the face of it but devastating for the figures summoned and paraded at your mercy for the general happiness of the readers; and it is not without a sense of justice for the punishment meted out to those impostors of the society. As for the hair, and my saner half keeps reminding me of the fact frequently, it is a more a conundrum of existence vs extinction for an overwhelming majority of the men of the species. Now if you have seen that advert of SBI-Life where a hair dresser caresses a strand of a dozen or so hair, dregs of but a lost army, on the glistening orb of a gloating man, you will understand what I mean. Thanks for the fish!

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    Replies
    1. And I have dual purpose hair - turns into a woollen cap in summer and polar cap in winter.

      As usual your comment read better than my post.

      Delete
  24. Too many spots on the radar .. my poor brain with the few cells that still work found it quite difficult to move from one target to other.
    Rain will come .. Brishti being a lady will not give in so easily unless there is that deep baritone to deceive her.
    Cheers!

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    Replies
    1. Is that? Blame humidity for my woeful state.

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  26. hillarious read....loved every bit

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  27. It was fun reading your post. I can very well relate to it. Humidity is actually killing.

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  28. hahaha Hilarious!!! You want some winter winds from here... take it... take it all... I am freezing to Death.

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  29. Good engaging post. Sweat and Shahrukh always sell in Calcutta ;)

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    1. Rather leave footmarks than sweaty imprints :p

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  30. Mam Had a great time reading this!

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  32. Wow! How much I love your writing! this is an out and out hilarious piece and I an so relate to this.

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    Replies
    1. It's like being trapped in a sauna. Phew!

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  33. and Hyderabad feels like a hill station from a week
    Very bful and always rainy
    Hope u get rains soon :)

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    Replies
    1. Stop. Making. Me. Burn. With. Envy

      Delete
  34. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  35. Humidity and humour going hand in hand in your inimitable style. Enjoyed. This year its really terrible.

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    Replies
    1. Very. I wish Delhi could have a longer winter.

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  36. well send some of that heat this way , we dont mind it in uk at all .. but thankfully the weekend gone and today is BRIGHT SUNNY And NAICEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee :) its about 24degrees awesomeeeeeee


    are you getting any jealous if yes then start pufffiinggggggg huffffffff huffffffffffffffff push it this way and it might perspire you adding fuel to that 99% :) :)

    ok ok ok I suck at humour as you can seeeee


    Bikram's

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    Replies
    1. LOL

      Funny thing is, I went for a vacation to an even more humid place - Washington DC.

      Mera bad luck hi kharab hai.

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    2. You shud have come to UK, we are having such a beautiful SUMMER... i hope i dont jinx it now ..

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  37. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  38. Wow ! That bad huh ? Been ages since I have been in the north and Bangalore weather is something to die for :)

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    Replies
    1. *I am glad you can't see me crying*

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