Tuesday, June 14, 2016

Hello beautiful, you sent me out of control!

Also published here  

Courtesy - www.mensxp.com
Indians often take flak for being among the least friendly. This disturbs me deeply because it’s far from being true. Granted, most of us would rather stare intently at our phone than make polite talk when in close proximity with strangers. If an unfamiliar person smiles at us, we immediately start speculating about their mental health. It’s more a genetic thing. Somebody forgot to tell us smiling is not taxable. Pushing, jostling and snarling come naturally to us. When we are driving, our middle finger is permanently raised and our cuss vocabulary will make even hardened criminals turn a deep shade of beetroot red. But in no way does it reflect our lack of friendliness. Okay, maybe not all of us are walking embodiments of congeniality. But our men more than make up for it with their friendly overtures towards the opposite sex.


Ask any woman and she will vouch for it. The time she made eye contact with her colleague as she laughed at his joke – and he promptly started making plans for their weekend getaway. Or the slightly tipsy woman at the pub who smiled at the wall and now it won’t stop pestering her for her number. Or the man she met at the party, enjoyed talking to him, even shared her number and now he texts her, ‘Sweeties, I miss you, lets meat!’ 55 times a day. Grrr!

Interestingly the not so single men she encounters are invariably the sweet ole chap victimised by the shrewish wife. By some strange miraculous coincidence ALL of them claim to be married to a woman who does not understand them at all. He’s just a lonely hardware looking for a software upgrade. Tch tch..

So now you know why the Indian woman is a tad grim-faced compared to her male counterpart. As a girl growing up, we felt the pinch of skewed sex ratio in crowded marketplaces, in the first bus we took, at the local tailoring outfit where our 13 year old self felt puzzled by the elderly darzi’s strange touch. Pretty soon we developed a snarl, a well-aimed shove with our elbow, a dead fish look to keep strange men’s unwanted advances under control. We discovered that the male has a strange manner of appreciating female beauty. When we walk on the road, we realise we are more effective than the traffic light at the intersection to make cars and scooters slow down. The helpful Samaritans they are, they offer us a ride not once but again and again. Dear Delhi police, I’m not sure why you’re wasting money on traffic lights, when all you need is a comely femme preferably in shorts, to bring traffic to a grinding halt. Some men become so consumed by passion that their grey cells trigger an avalanche of emotions and send furious signals to important body parts. Their hand reaches out for the motherboard, their genitals and they start scratching violently. Their mouth starts generating copious amounts of saliva which they respectfully direct at our feet. The vocal ones prefer making strange noises that closely resemble the mating call of chimpanzees. Good to know they are in no hurry to forget their ancestors! But this is also a highly evolved species that does not let a woman’s age, weight, skin colour, political leanings, dietary preferences, schooling, family background or the lack of it, hold them back. In fact they treat all of us with equal lust and are in turn treated by all of us with equal disgust.


Just like the worldwide network of online Romeos seeking love. Ask any woman and she’ll tell you about her enviable collection of lovesick chaps that reside in her ‘other inbox’ on FB. Thanks to the digital revolution, men old and young, recently wed or widowed, black and white, thin and fat, are ‘hello dearing her’, and losing control of their feelings as they gaze at her profile pic. This besides the 20 something eager greenhorn who wishes her ‘gud morning’ 15 times a day.

If you are looking to start a conversation with a group of women at a party, just say ‘I am a weirdo magnet’. You will be immediately surrounded by a chorus of ‘Me Too Me Too!” and stories of Hotguy21 and SaxyStud on WhatsApp admiring these women’s ‘lags’.

Every time my husband acts difficult, I show him my carefully curated list of enthusiastic lovers from Nicaragua, Kyrgyzstan, Burkina Faso and New York, serenading me with bad grammar and dishonourable intentions. Or the fella who got in touch with me after I wrote a post on Bengali woman’s love for sleeveless blouse. ‘I am a lover of hairy and sweaty armpit of womens. Would like to interact with you about this topic...do you have a Facebook account???’

‘See, how many amazing options I have!’ I scream at the husband.

Meanwhile I mumble a silent thanks to God for finally paying heed to my prayers. As a gawky teen I had often fantasised about hormonal boys dying to ‘make friendship’ with me. And now she has dropped a bumper bonanza of friendly men of all shapes and sizes in my lap. So what if she’s 25 years too late!

Dear men who think that in the struggle for equality, females always get an unfair advantage, you can count me in your team. Nothing screams inequality more than the disproportionate amount of attention an average Indian woman gets. While you’re still waiting to make eye contact with the pretty lady at the café, she’s already thumbed down half a dozen men, mostly undesirable. She understands it’s not their fault that they are uncouth and awkward. But it amazes her no end that they still think looking intently at her boobs and mumbling – you are hot, will make her dissolve in gratitude and surrender with a pair of handcuffs.

Of course, they are not to blame that their parents were so busy celebrating their fabulous luck in begetting a son that they forgot to teach him that a woman is not a cheez or maal that he can acquire with a snap of his entitled fingers.



63 comments:

  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  2. Bang on! Perfect research on opposite sex who unfortunately outnumber saner ones, exception to the rule, Purba:)

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    1. For every a-hole I've encountered, there are a dozen sterling gentlemen who restore your faith in mankind.

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  3. Can't say that we didn't deserve this satire! Everything you said was true, unfortunately! But, hope is still alive! Some day men will grow up and cease to be boys! Amen!

    A brilliant post which was as subtle as a punch on nose, and rightly so.

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    1. Chill. This post was not meant to be taken seriously. I think it's desperation that makes certain men behave this despicably.

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  4. I bet every female identifies with this one! Very well- written!

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  5. Thankfully i am past that stage when anyone would ogle me,but yes Purba we have all had such despicable experiences :( ugh.

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    Replies
    1. The more things change, the more they remain the same.

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  6. You have written hum sab ki dil ki baat in your trademark style :-P

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  7. Promodh Sinha14 June, 2016 17:27

    Brilliant write up..Keep writing such stuff :)

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  8. Hilarious. As a school boy, I remember waiting at a DTC bus stand 30 yrs back and all men synchronized their head movement to watch all females of all ages passing by. Hope the young school boys of this generation will grow up to be saner men.

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    1. There's a fine line between admiring a woman's beauty and leering. A lot of men do not get that.

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    2. I have always wondered about this fine line.

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    3. I have always wondered about this fine line.

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  9. Spot on like every post of yours...

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  10. So true. We can only hope that some days the boys will become 'gentlemen' :) Of course, with better morals.

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  11. Kk.. So everyone wants boys to grow up as Gentle Man ! Good lets hope so.. But the bitter FACT is there is a "boy" in every gentleman!! That's the nature...You may call it as a manufacturing defect.

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    1. And there's a girl in every woman. Thank god for it! As long as the attention doesn't border on harassment, I don't think anyone has a problem with it.

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  12. Ha ha...so true...hilarious but true..for some reason we change the moment we step out of home.. hence famous lines " Tere Ghar Main Maa Behen Nahi hai " .... are a staple rebuttal even today in smaller cities...

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    1. Correction, step out without the wife in tow :p

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  13. It is a fact that almost all girls' inboxes are filled with messages from guys except for one or two close girlfriends that they have. All of what you've writtern is so true, from the good morning messages to the offering of lifts in their vehicles. Guess the term 'boys will be boys' is going to stick around for a while.

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    1. Maybe it is part of their endeavour to bridge the generation gap :p

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  14. Well written! I sometimes wonder what exactly is the issue? How in the world does any man think that acting obnoxious will make a woman warm up to him? It really is a widespread disease.

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    1. Maybe he thinks the objection of his affection is as dumb as he is.

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  15. Superbly written, as always. I wonder where does this disgusting behavior stem from and stays forever…besides a misplaced sense of entitlement and knowing that there would be no consequence…could it also be because they feel they have nothing to lose? Ladki aise bhi nahi pat rahi thi, ab bhi nahi pati….

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    1. I think it's the 'try karne mein kya harz hai' attitude. And by keeping silent. we make it worse.

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  16. I agree with you. I have seen people writing such rants which are the bitter truths but rarely a post like yours comes which tells about the reason why women tend to be the way they are. Great article, well written. Looking forward to more of your posts.

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  17. Nicely written and from what I see above, it has been well received by the menfolks.
    Indian men got a sense of humor .. you have to give it to them.

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  18. Tell me about it....delightful read and engaging analogies.

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  19. At a point it made me laugh and at other it was looking smthng very familiar though !! Its really true and sometimes its highly intolerable amd irritating to girls.
    Liked your satire amd exprrssion !! :-)

    Do visit me sometime at junksin.blogspot.com

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  20. Hilarious. Weirdo magnets we all seem to have become. Creeps on the internet are often creeps in real life. Block and forget is my mantra! :D

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    1. I stopped deleting them a few months back. They are my treasure trove of laugh bytes on a dull day.
      Also, where do you think I quoted from? :p

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  21. In your distinctive style you've said it for most of us. I'm sure many will identify with this.

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  22. This does reflect upon a sizable sample of our population. very well written!

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  23. Beautifully written and most important is the message.

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  24. Hey Purba! This says what I feel - standing ovation (is there an emoji for it?). Thanks for writing this.

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    1. Is there an emoji for *doing a happy jig*? Oh yes, there is!

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  25. I think that way Bangalore and Mumbai are much better than the north, where I constantly had to keep a tab on the number of Romeos. Since then have been breathing easy..

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  26. This is the most blatant and brutal attack on desi manhood that it calls for advance censoring all the movies that you may produce in future on this topic for hurting sentiments of a those who like meating hairy, smelly armpits.

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    Replies
    1. Guruji, like Salman Khan I designated my Pitajee to apologize on my behalf.

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  27. "In fact they treat all of us with equal lust and are in turn treated by all of us with equal disgust" LOL ! Excellent Post! I dont know how men would react to this though. ;-)May be they will refrain from contacting you for the high level armpit discussion:D

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    1. Many took it in the right spirit and many did not.

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  28. Haha...bang on! Every word is true to the core. My 'other' inbox is a goldmine. Whenever I feel low, I open it and lo! I am smiling again... 😁

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    1. I read your comment and immediately decided to check my message requests :p

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  29. Not only men,all women tooo will identify themselves with it.

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  30. you have written truth from one aspect only,it could have been better if you had written truth from every aspect and it may have educated people truly who read your blog post about people mentality(both genders). we should believe in complete truth or complete things like complete man raymond :-) writing from every aspect always brings real awareness or educates people to change things.writing from one aspect will keep society stereotype without any change.writing complete truth hurts both the genders and culture and religion too. so, do people have acceptance of complete truth,many would escape to discuss this.

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  31. Hi ...
    Happy be friends with you
    I an advocate from Jaipur
    Honest and divorced person
    Be frenz plsss

    ReplyDelete
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