Friday, September 9, 2016

An Open Letter to all by a hurt Ms Baigan

Not so dear all,

Till a few days back I was just a Baigan, sitting on a rack, waiting for you to take me home, mash me, pulp me and devour me with relish. I suffered in silence even when you rubbed me with oil and put me on fire to roast in my own juices. I even put up with smelly onion and too-much-blusher-tomato because I wanted you to like me the way you like that squishy paneer. Oh, don’t you for a moment think I didn’t notice the look of tenderness when you picked her up and surveyed her lovingly, your drool moistening your lips! Yet, I looked on stoically, with a stone placed on my heart.

I know I am no superfood. I’m dark, plump and a veggie with many names – aubergine, eggplant, brinjal, baigan, begoon… But tell me, what did I do to deserve to become the butt of your merciless jokes and bad puns!



Mind it, I will never forgive Durex for besmirching my spotless reputation by announcing ‘spicy baigan’ flavoured condoms. Just as Mother Teresa’s Holy Spirit was getting canonised at the Vatican and demonised by the republic of Twitter, Durex got this brainwave to sexify me.



Durex, do you even realize that this mindless sexification of the baigan in pursuit of fame and riches has ruined my life forever! Had I been an American I would have sued you for millions of dollars for emotional distress. My besties Tinda, Tauri and Lauki have stopped talking to me after my new found notoriety. The other day when I accidently brushed against Tinds, she spat out – Who do you think you are, Sunny Leone! My sweetie pie, potato no longer responds to my loving overtures. Not even when I croon, aloo, is it me you’re looking for? *Please insert a plaintive wail here for added effect* Heartbroken, I tried line-maroing cauilflower who I had bro-zoned recently. When I whispered 'gobhi gobhi mere dil mein khayal ataa hai', he pretended to de deaf. Only that luchha lafanga Karela sent me a sext that read – aati kya Khandala! Like any sanskari baigan I proceeded to feel cheap and washed myself in Dettol twice.

 Now even Kela and Kheera won’t talk to me for stealing their limelight. Le sigh!



Don’t even get me started on the sleepless nights I spent worrying if I’ll be replaced by a stupid condom claiming to taste like me. Why will anyone slave in the kitchen for hours to make stuffed baigan when all one has to do is slip it on your object of desire! *insert a plaintive wail here*

Dear Durex, had you fools done your survey properly, you’d discovered that’s it’s not some random veggie but chulbuili imli, teekha golgappa and khatta-meetha aam papad that makes women scream ‘more more more!’ If you had even a fraction of Baba Ramdev’s business acumen, you’d come out with churan flavoured condoms. See, even I know more than your overpaid MBAs.

And now you jokers are claiming it was just a fun prank? I’m sorry, I refuse to take this humiliation lying down, like some abla naari victimised by this patriarchal society. You thought you could play around with the egg in my plant and then walk away like a boss! Let me tell you, careless gags like these, if employed too often, will render you limp that no Viagra can help rise to the occasion. I refuse to let baigons be baigons. Like any proud, senti-mental Indian waiting to get hurt, I shall file a plea in the court against you for hurting my religious sentiments.

So you thought only men wearing thin wispy dotted condoms had feelings? Ha, now you’ll know!




27 comments:

  1. What a piece of baingan..brilliant. Hey Ray, you sting at right places. For us men, Baingan was always a competitor, now it got skin to. Its going to be more glamorised. I have only issue, why it has not been launched by Baba Ramdev {probably he don't want to be called Baba Kamadev}. But still he got a chance, Kheera n Sabudaana {for Vrat / fasting} are waiting to get a skin from him.
    Aah...et tu bengan. Entire feminist community was already against us, now you are equipped with your own cloths. Jaa re baingan ja jee le apni zindagi. Have a safe dip.

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    1. Hahahaha...Sabudaana falvour during Vrat is a brilliant idea!
      Time to start your own company, Narad.

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  2. You are simply amazing!!!! Brilliant piece! :)

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  3. Why make love when you can make Baigan!
    Baiguntastic word play Purba.

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  5. Bang On... what a creative genius article.....and you never know Babajee may be working on a Satvik condom

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    Replies
    1. Babajee should hire you in his product development team!

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  6. Oh my God! This actually happened. I must have missed out on the fun on twitter that day. As usual a hilarious writeup, Purba. :) I am having trouble thinking straight about baingan now. ;-)

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    1. Oh, we had a blast that day on Twitter!

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  7. Simply hilarious.I salute your imagination and wordplay.

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  8. Gosh...i am reading this during my office lunch break and I simply just cant stop laugggggggggggghhhhhhhhingggggg.. Oh god..this is so hilarious

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  9. hahahaha this is so hilarious..! The Baigan will be so grateful to you for voicing its feelings!

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  11. LOL... why they decide to have a baigan flavour after all things on earth, I have no idea. I laughed hard when I first saw it on Twitter and, I'm laughing harder now reading this... :-D
    The baigan topic managed to remain on the top for quite a few days...

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    1. This move by Durex was a PR genius.

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  12. Yikes!! A delayed April Fool's joke, I hope!! I mean, the shape is fine but the flavor would be just too much to swallow, man!! :P

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    Replies
    1. It was a prank and we all sucked up to it :p

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  13. Hilarious!!! My sunday morning read has put a smile on my face. You have such a knack for humour ..enjoyed every word of it.

    Keep writing.
    Shilpa

    http://mylifesmomentsandbeyond.blogspot.in/2016/09/letter-to-my-25-years-old-self.html?m=1


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  14. well hmmm I must say I hate BAINGAN .. :) as my dad would say for baigun.. it is Bai - (NO) Gun- (as in hindi USE) Without use :)

    Bikram's

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  15. Aubergine flavored ! Wow didnt even know such a thing existed :) Considering that most people hate baingan , it's funny they even chose that ! Hilarious as usual.

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  16. An outstanding piece of humour it is for sure, making the reading culminate into a laugh-riot.

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