Sunday, September 25, 2016

Bharat and Pak – It’s So Damn Complicated!


It’s complicated – the relationship between Bharat-Bhushan and Pak Begum. It’s been over 67 years since BaaP broke up, yet Begum Pee continues to behave like a jilted ex. Guess, Pee never forgave Bharat for getting custody of their beti, Kishmish even though it was she who chose to stay with Pitajee. You can call them the original Brangelina, all jaanu-shaanu when together and throwing bartans and belans at each after they went their separate ways.

Bharat’s ex has made it her life’s mission to raise his BP to Himalayan heights by engaging in a bitter custody battle over their love child Kishmish, each accusing the other of abuse and neglect. Interestingly when they meet they behave as if they’ll patch-up any minute, going mwah mwah, singing ‘aman ki aasha’ in dulcet tones. But the moment Bharat turns his back, Pee turns into a demented chudail, constantly orchestrating covert attacks and creating pressure in BB’s nose (naak mein dum). B Bhushan responds with lots of angry condemnations and running to Uncle Sam to complain. It’s the same story every time. Pee continues to attack Bharat and his brood grievously while he’s all kadhi ninda and no action. These days Begum has become even more daring with the backing of her new boyfriend, Mr Chin Chin. Even Kishmish has also been acting all angsty like a pimply teen and constantly throws tantrums because she wants azadi. Kids, I tell you!

Sadly for Pak, the same story decided enough is enough and refused to repeat itself. This unusual occurrence was triggered by yet another behind the back, sneaky assault that had Bharat’s brood led by Angry Goswami (his favourite son) and social media warriors baying for her blood. Fierce battles were fought on Twitter and Facebook. Cunning war strategies were formulated on Facebook walls, nuclear submarines were deployed and fighter aircrafts roared out of hangars on Twitter timelines and brutal jokes were made to shame Begum Pee once and for all.

Bharat Bhushan goaded by the bloodcurdling cries of netizens FINALLY decided to retaliate with a stinging counter-attack that’s so covert that even his bacchas are not aware of it.


Only the writer of this post was cunning enough to sniff it out. She blames her fish-eating Bengali genes. Now before I astonish you with stunning revelations, let me add, the seeds of this covert operation were planted long time back. It started off as shedding our British legacy by getting rid of the silly names they had given our cities that sound good only if you sound like Piers Morgan. So Cawnpore became Kanpur and Jubbulpore became Jabalpur and so on. Somewhere down the line, a wily bunch of netas hit upon the brainwave of renaming almost all our cities. Madras became Chennai, Bombay became Mumbai, Trivandrum became a city than no one can spell. And now people are so confused, they often call Kolkata, Colkutta, which is the sound you make when you’re just about to vomit. Banking upon this growing confusion, Bharat’s new caretaker BJ :p has taken this renaming business to new lows and is giving his Dil a makeover by renaming its arteries. First Aurangzeb became Abdul Kalam, giving both these deceased gentlemen an identity crisis. Last week after the yet another fatal blow by Pee, BJ :p launched a stinging counter-offensive and changed Racecourse Rd, Dil’s most hallowed address to Intercourse road. Oops, sorry! Copulation is against Indian culture but Lok Kalyan is not. So yeah, Racecourse road is now Lok Kalyan Road.

Speculation is rife that Jor Bagh will now be called Kamjor Bagh, Greater Kailash - Hurr hurr Mahadev and Deer Park – Gau Udyaan. Dil will also acquire a new name, Jhuggi because that’s what it looks like these days since Kejriwal took over.

Now you’ll ask me, what the eff does it have to do countering Begum Pee’s terrorising ways? See, with all this renaming business, if an average resident of Dil can get hopelessly lost in a maze of new sanskari names, how can you expect Pee sponsored terrorists to reach the correct address given by their bosses in Islamabad! This, compounded by our autowallas who only say yes to a passenger who wears pink on full moon nights, commuters in Metros who try their best to suffocate you and Ola drivers who keep cancelling your rides, will drive any terrorist to self-detonate himself in the nearest dustbin!

Isn’t this the best thing since Gandhi jee’s Satyagraha for countering unprovoked violence with non-violence? Now if only we can rename Kishmish to Kaju, Pak may not want it anymore. And in a few years, when we have driven all beef eaters, pseudo intellectuals, Barkha Dutt, liberals, jhola, loving JNU students to ‘God knows where’ Bharat can finally call itself Haahaastan and nobody will be able to find Bharat on the world map! We will become like Airtel’s signal – dhoondte reh jaaoge.

With no Bharat in sight, Pee will start focussing on holistic pursuits, join Yoga classes and become an all new improved woman who believes in world peace and eats only shoots and leaves.

I hereby request UNESCO to declare our war strategy the best in the world.


36 comments:

  1. Another masterpiece! I was almost ROFLing... almost... :P good sense prevailed and did not break the floor... Those facebook strategists should read this.... :)

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    1. Of course not! They are busy winning the war for us.

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  2. Lol, this Chin Chin guy is the real problem I think. Fun read Purba,

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  3. That was really funny and to the point.
    This renaming business goes on and on and some are really really funny.
    As for the Bharat Pak issue, the actual puppet handler is or Bhai (from Hindi Chini Bhai bhai) They have real great interest in clearing a path for themselves inbetween Pak & Bharat for their trade to prosper.

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    1. China gains the most if Pak manages to take Kashmir.

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  4. I wish the solution could be found...to the K issue but you are so right it has become Airtel solution, everybody is looking for it and it is busy up with that girl hogging all the signals

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  5. Simply brilliant-your nomenclature,the choice of words and the whole story-you are a genius Purba.

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    1. Thank you so much for your encouraging words, Indu. Means a lot.

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  6. Brilliant! I think even a junior school student can now write an answer on the course of reaction of Bharat Bhushan, the various stages it will jump down to, each time Begum Pee needles and whacks BB where it hurts the most.And in the meantime, we will continue to engage with more important issues of nosing around for beef cuisine, witch hunting and have a glorious time watching from the rings the wrestling match between the LG and the CM. We have become such a nation of ineffectual fools!

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    1. Apparently, India has more to lose if we launch an offensive.

      Pak as such a failed state.

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  7. Ha ha:) The opening lines floored me but thank God the following ones made me sit straight and enjoy the rest of it marveling yet again at your expression and conception:)
    BRILLIANT!!

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  8. I have no clue how to deal with this permanent nuisance called Pak. With China supporting the rogue, they are rogue themselves and both being nuclear powers, there is precious little that we can do in terms of direct conflict. I just hope that we are doing enough in terms of covert operations and also diplomatically.

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  9. Ha ! Ha ! Ha ! Brilliant ! Simply brilliant ! Mindblowing piece of written work. Only a genius can pen such things. A rare blend of humour and sarcasm. Outstanding satire on Indo-Pak relations. Hearty compliments.

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  10. nice artikel
    http://www.kangalip.com/

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  11. Begum Pee...lol..totally funny. But on a serious note, it's painful the way things are..seems like no one ever want to find a permanent solution for this long term problem :(

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    1. Needling comes naturally to our neighbour. And since economic development is not on their agenda, they'd rather focus on creating unrest.

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  12. That is a rollicking Mother of Satires on Indo-Pak impasse. Sadly, the pain in the neck, or wherever the popular wisdom swears it originates, has moved to the critical organs and death is now looking straight into our faces. Fiyadeen Death has become commonplace and has started losing its meaning for the Indians. Nuclear Death is not too far away.

    It is unfortunate that India keeps getting bracketed with this pariah state and we are being psyched into believing that is the road we have been doomed to take. We need to realign our economic and military aspirations with China and Japan even before the international community is ready to recognize the truth. As for Angry Goswami, I am willing to give my right arm for him in a crisis rather than Burqa Dutt (for whom I won't spare even a fart).

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    1. I think proposal of a smart fence to secure our borders is a positive step towards containing Pak exported terror.

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  13. The rogue Pak is basking in its own glory. Whatta satire and how on earth you come up with such names? Haha! How about the next one on Champak and Chameli! Enjoyed reading this Pyar mein Twist!

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    1. Too much chest-thumping and back-patting happening on either side.

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  14. Amazing how you introduced humor in such somber topic ! At times i think we need a negotiator whom both parties are willing to listen to, rather like a parent whom both trust.

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    1. Nobody is willing to play negotiator till they see gains (geo-poltical and economical)

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  15. It become more complicated as politics come inside the line..

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  16. Such intense political drama happening and here you are converting them into characters we can all relate to :D

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    1. I am no political expert, Anita

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  17. i don't find indo-pak issue or indo-china issue as complicated as people portray .greed and opportunism either side over decades has resulted in hatred towards each other.behavior of politicians towards each other in india is same as behavior of india and pak.

    i had interaction with pak bloggers,they are really good and very patriotic and willing to serve their country,i did not find such behavior among indians. every day the number of indian deaths due to corrupt and characterless indians is more than iraq,syria and pak. indians should have self-introspection before calling pak as rogue nation. is n't india a rogue nation for being responsible for the death of its own people in the name of corruption and feudal mentality and violation of rules in every aspect. indians kills more fellow indians indirectly than any place on earth. we just don't see cuz they are indirect result.bashing pak or any country will never solve issue as long as india put their own house in order. indians are just silly and lack character ,so you can never solve issue with such behavior.

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    1. Because we are a vibrant democracy where citizens are not shot down for questioning the government or the army. We are lucky that we get to vote for a government that's not a puppet in the hands of the army and we do not have a rogue secret service that sponsors terrorism.

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  18. vibrant democracy? are you kidding.try to contest in an election in your local constituency,either you will get killed or you will get threat calls to withdraw your nomination.you will get struck in a traffic jam due to rogue crowd taking procession when a rogue politician gets out of jail after looting his country thousands of crores of rupees. why don't you try to complain to an authority about some wrong doing in your society,is there anyone willing to take your complaint or you will get killed for complaining.the number of political murders and deaths due to corruption in india is more than any kinda deaths in whole world.a democracy where people sell their votes for 500, 1000 denominations and a group bonanza for caste for selling their community votes. is that all democracy about.someone need social studies lessons. am not here to debate which country is better,before you call a nation rogue, be realistic about your own nation.you don't have rogue secret service but you have rogue politicians and rogue crowd who support these rogue politicians who are dangerous than isis and taliban.

    since india believes in democracy and all politicians garland m.k.gandhi with great respect,why don't you take a survey like how many politicians would like m.k.gandhi as their leader or prime minister.i am sure most indians would not like m.k gandhi as their PM. india is just a pseudo democracy where politicians and bureaucrats behave like british were during colonial rule.people are scared to question truth about surgical strikes cuz they will be beaten to death by politicians henchmen .people in india are scared to question politicians or army cuz they will be beaten in the name of sedition. i think you don't remember two college girls who were kept in jail for speaking about bal thackeray death obstructing normal life. i have lost the count how many rti activists were killed for questioning and reporting.IS INDIA A DEMOCRACY? lol. i hope some indian won't give me acid bath for speaking truth. hahaha being a superman i don't have nationality,i deal issues based on merit.

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  19. bernice@mail.postmanllc.net

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  20. :) well one good thing about this bharat pak issue it keeps the media wrking and people talking :) my whatsapp is full of jokes and silly videos .. imagine all this laughter lost if things went OK :) :)

    Bikram's

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