Monday, June 19, 2017

An Idiots Guide to How to Compliment a Woman Without Offending Her

Courtesy Google images

Certain men seem to be under the impression that they are in charge of a woman’s self-worth, and not without reason. Since the time they sprouted facial hair, they have been told a woman squeezes herself in asthma inducing dresses, totters in high-heels and spends hours prettying herself only for his attention. As a true gentleman it is his duty to reward her for all her efforts by looking intently at her cleavage and mumble ‘you are hot’, while scratching his scrotum.

What puzzles him is, instead of rolling over with gratitude and bounding towards him with her tongue hanging out, she has the temerity to walk in the opposite direction.

Ungrateful bitch!

Seriously, do these creatures even know what they want? He can recount countless instances where he tried to appreciate her legs in those teeny-weeny shorts and dresses she wears by leering at them. Once he even dropped a few drops of drool on her thighs. The confused muddle-head shrieked in horror and slapped him hard instead!

Of course he was butt hurt. He immediately put on Attaullah Khan's classic, achha silaa diya tune mere pyaar ka and asked himself again and again, tears rolling down his cheeks - isn’t this the sole purpose of wearing cleavage revealing, thigh baring and curve flaunting dresses?

He ran to the nearest temple, hung from the bell and demanded to know from God in his most pain-stricken voice, why are women like this? God as usual gave him the silent treatment.

Do you think even God is a woman? Hey Bhagwan!

Not the one to give up so easily and also because his virginity depended on it, he tried to take the sophisticated path. It was a busy weekend when he spotted a very shapely posterior at the pub. He walked up to it and said – Girl, are you polio? Coz you’re making my legs weak. She laughed like a hyena and rolled her eyes like windshield wipers. Goddammit! He then went to the dance floor and stared soulfully at the women dancing. He almost dropped his pitcher of beer when he saw a mature type lady smile at him. He immediately ran up to her and started doing his Dharmendra type moves. To show his thoughtful side, he even offered to drop her home, even though she was in no mood to go back. When she refused, he asked all the other ladies at the pub if he could drop them safely at home, because zamana is so kharab, I tell you!

Shaandaar is 28, still a virgin. And has very little time left to lose it. His Mom is busy looking for a girl who doesn’t go to malls to be his bride.



What baffles Shaandaar is these girls who treat him like he’s some sort of infection, do khi khi with other boys. They are not even half as good-looking as he is. What do they have that he doesn’t? He has biceps, triceps, fair and handsome looks, his Dad gifted Audi, couple of kothis in Gurgaon and Ma kaa andha pyaar.

So S decides to observe these strange dudes who can make a woman laugh and bring a twinkle to their eyes.

After days of hovering around them like body odour, Shaandaar makes a shocking discovery. These gents actually treat women like humans and not some conquest. Horrors of horror, they actually like these ladies for their wit, intellect and not their cup size. He saw one of them look deep into her eyes and tell her how beautifully the shade of lipstick she was wearing complemented her skin tone. How her hair shone under the dim lights. Not a single reference to her body parts, BC and she was actually blushing!

Is it possible these mythical males(Mm) are actually fonder of these women than they are of themselves? Because Maa kasam, he has actually seen these Mms listen with rapt attention to what their companion has to say. Mm couldn’t stop asking her what made her happy and her pet peeved. The books she reads, the causes she was passionate about. He could see the look of pleasure in Mm’s eyes when he made her laugh. It was not even a sexist WhatsApp joke.

S learnt a valuable lesson that day. It is possible to compliment a woman without coming off as patronizing jerk, insincere or down right creepy. It is also possible that all women are not dying to be told how gorgeous they are. She knows exactly how she looks and feels uncomfortable when someone can’t stop commenting on her physical features. She is more than a great face and perky pair of boobs, you know.

It helps immensely if you are approaching her not with the sole purpose of bedding her but because you are genuinely interested to know more about her. Respect her boundaries, instead of dismissing it off as yet one of her paranoias. And please don’t put her on a pedestal and then later bemoan about her feet of clay. As such the ruling party has made it clear the only thing meant to be worshipped is the cow wagging her tail at the traffic intersection.

If this is so difficult to comprehend, dear Shaandaar, you are better off leading a life bereft of love and affection. When it becomes too much too bear, you can always join an anti-Romeo squad to vent your frustration on happily in love couples.





36 comments:

  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  2. Many will still not get what you are saying here.
    What? Compliment her wit, intellect and awareness? Hain ji? Why then is she wearing a body hugging dress?

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    1. And if she's wearing a body hugging dress she's obviously begging you to stare at her boobs.

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  3. "Please don’t put her on a pedestal"

    Been there done that. Bahut baji thi in return. Learned my lessons the hard way.

    I try to be one of the Mm's. Someday, hopefully, I'll get there :)

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    Replies
    1. Kyonki darr ke aage jeet hai.

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  4. I think there may be a wide gap in how a man with a conventional upbringing perceives a woman, her behaviour and her reactions and what a modern woman actually feels. It gets so annoying that most women just can't go beyond treating women as objects. Just because she dresses up doesn't mean you don't pay attention to who she is. Sigh!

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    Replies
    1. Paying attention to 'who you are' is as true for men as it is for women.

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  5. life is better and peaceful without a girl,we need not stress ourselves to meet her expectations.do someone read idiot's guide when they go out on date or when they try to express their feelings.you are really funny.modi and vajpayee are so successful without women in their lives.romeos are lusty people,anti-romeos are cultured ones. we don't change gf every year like romeos. jai hind,bharat mata ki jai

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  6. Witty and a nice read. Not all men are stereotype looking for only carnal pleasure.. there are few good men around.

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    Replies
    1. I thought I made it abundantly clear in my write-up

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  7. Why should we put every men under one category and every women under another? My experience tells that there are different kinds of men and women.

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    1. I suggest you read the first line of the post again. I am talking about certain men and not all.

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  8. No doubt not all men are not like that,but those who are--where do they get these crappy ideas?

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    1. I think most of us create our own truths, ones that suit our bigotry, bias and prejudices.

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  9. That was hilarious. While going through the end I pitied Shaandaar for now having to learn from MMs in order to get love and affection. Can he not just stop getting desperate of seeking love and affection from the opposite gender for once and instead try to be a better human being by thinking beyond the typical LSDs? No idiot's guide can make him genuinely well mannered if he is that desperate.

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    1. Wise words indeed. Couldn't agree more.

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  10. Purba, you're pretty good in raising serious issues with damn good humour. It's indeed a gift. I'm not a regular of your blog but whenever I visit you, I don't get disappointed. Last post I read of yours was that of Buffalo Mausi. In fact, today, I post a buffalo pic on insta and wanted to tag you but couldn't find you there.

    Anyway....everything is perfect in this post except one thing: Achha silaa diya was the song of Attaullah Khan not Altaf Raja. Tum to thehre pardesi sath kya nibhaoge was of Altaf Raja.

    One last thing, for real idiots like me, kindly provide sample lines for praising her wit, intellect, etc. :P

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oops, sorry about the Altaf Raj gaffe. Will correct it.
      And good to know buffalo reminded you of me :p

      Ravish, wooing a woman is not rocker science. Making the effort of trying to know her as a person helps tremendously.

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  11. I loved the mall going bride reference... this was a classic Purba post :) I was grinning like an Idiot and chuckling making other people wonder what was wrong with me. While I agree with the general mindset around figure hugging dresses and skin show, I think there needs to be some genuine teaching material for boys (and men) in how to deal with women. Not some superficial listicle stuff found in crappy sites but real suff.... after all, women are not easy to figure out!

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    1. I think Moms and sisters are ideal for this kind of teaching. Strong women in the family and how they are treated makes a positive impact on impressionable minds.

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  12. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  13. Good to see you back with vigor in hitting the nail right on the head. Agree, with you if focus can shift a bit more from the physical assets to other assets that the fairer sex possesses, the quality of compliment may improve:)

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    Replies
    1. It's not difficult you know, especially when these men start looking at women as fellow humans.

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  14. A good percentage of males have come a long way from being cavemen. However, some will never escape the event horizon. The asses and busts will therefore keep testing the thresholds of the social fabric manifest in failures of civility, administration and judiciary. I am more bothered by the increasing radicalisation of norms being set for women.

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    1. I think these norms stem from insecurity. The patriarchal set-up that has conveniently subjugated women is feeling threaten by independent, free thinking men and women.

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  15. Sum it up ... some sons of bitches will never learn ... they'd rather wag their tails and dangle their tongue ... and have their faces wiped!! I am not generalizing -- cuz I know men otherwise too. And I love them dearly! :)

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    1. I'd hate to generalise. There are as many uncouth women as there are men.

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  16. Intelligence? For a woman? This is impossible !
    :D

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  17. Intelligence? For a woman? This is impossible !
    :D

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  18. As always, you hit the nail right on the head! Good post.

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  19. "please don’t put her on a pedestal and then later bemoan about her feet of clay".. so well put ! This is an arrow right at the uncouth, but I wonder if they will get it even if it hit them on their faces..

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    Replies
    1. We will continue to educate them.

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