Monday, August 28, 2017

How To Be An Asshole and still be Mistaken as God


Hello, my lovely disciples

Let me start by congratulating you for being a lucky bastard. Now now, don’t start fancying yourself as John Snow. Your case is different. You are blessed to be born in India and a time where despite free flowing spirits, spirits are at an all-time low and outrage at an all-time high. With the breakup of Suraj Barjatiya type of familial connections where even the dog is happy, families have become nuclear, happiness an elusive entity, satisfaction comes with no guarantee and everything you cherished is being relegated to history. You are often consumed with the fear of being part of the rootless and faceless herd, leading a life of perpetual consequence. And boy, you are so right!

Now that I have acquainted you with reality, don’t try to kill yourself or others by sharing your soppy poetry about your shitty life. If you follow my guidelines carefully, you can become the most powerful and wealthy asshole, with a following of millions ready to lap-up any bullshit you spew including achhe din. You don’t need degrees from elite institutions or be particularly gifted. All you need is a gift of the gab and a proclivity of making promises you have no intention of fulfilling. You have to master the art of making a fool of millions. Once you’ve achieved that, anything you do or don’t will be hailed as the best thing to have happened to mankind since chhole bhature.

Across the world religion is becoming the fastest growing business venture. Since there’s never a shortage of the gullible masses waiting to believe that their very existence is under threat from evil forces, all you need to do is prey on their fears and make them believe you are their saviour. If they don’t have it, create it. Mine on their ignorance and you will yield a rich harvest of unfounded fears and hostility towards one and all. Make them feel wronged, alienated. Then you can slowly take control of their lives by becoming their spiritual guide, psychologist, family confidante, semen donor and money launderer.

Remember, this is the age of instant noodles, news, outrage, opinion, love, breakups, fame and satisfaction. So why should salvation be left behind! If all it takes is two minutes to commit a grievous sin and make Maggi, it is unreasonable to wait a lifetime for moksha. And since God is like homeopathy, more faith than reality, it makes sense to look for the real deal in flesh and blood.

So here lies your opportunity for becoming their God. The one that can be seen, touched, heard, and is a one stop shop of redressal for all their grievances.


Also, India is teeming with the wronged classes. Wronged and exploited for centuries by a hierarchy that places some humans over others by virtue of their birth and wealth they accumulated, they are a miserable lot. They feel let down by the system, ignored by God and rightfully feel that life is unfair to them.

Since they have been convinced by Rahul Gandhi they need Jupiter’s escape velocity to free themselves from their sorry circumstances, the oppressed ones are now simply waiting for a charitable messiah to rescue them.

Now that we have earmarked your target audience who you can fool, let’s start with creating a past that’s purely fictional. It should be humble, spartan, full of hardships. If you have a family, RENOUNCE THEM NOW. No, no, not your Mom! Everyone loves a single man ready to devote his life for their welfare but the Mom is always useful to get awws from your followers.

Secondly you will need to rid them of the 330 million goddesses and gods that reside in their conscience. Remember, they are all your competition. You will have to discourage your devotees from worshiping anyone but you.

Sounds impossible, right? Especially in a country where fear of God is the opiate for the masses. Don’t worry. I will guide you through that as well. After all, I am your self-appointed goddess who has made it her mission to kickstart you to fakeness.

Before you embark on this ambitious mission, you will need a lot of rich followers who will readily donate money and land for your ashram. Finding rich followers is easy peasy. Once they know you are capable of murder, money laundering, shady deals, tantric practises, they will flock to you like flies to cowdung.

Remember the corrupt attracts the corrupt.

Your ashram will be a sanctuary where everyone who seeks your divine blessings will find succour. It will be an idyllic world not governed by rules framed by the society but you. Remember the depressed classes you rescued from Rahul Gandhi? Make them toil hard at your ashram. Make them believe they are serving God and you will get away by paying them peanuts. Make them toil hard at your farms and factories. While they are making batches of atta noodles with no atta for your millions of disciples turned customers and squeezing aloe vera juice in plastic bottles, drill into their heads that their messiah has rescued from a lifetime of oppression. Once they start believing it, they will quietly let themselves be exploited by you.

Later you can extract payment for the largesse of your heart by raping a dozen or two women disciples. It will add to your rakish appeal. For variety you can also prey on your rich female disciples. Don’t forget to shampoo your hair. Employing a darzi who will dress you like a toffee wrapper will give you a Godly appeal. 



You will have to float some weird ass stories about yourself. Like how you fell into a well and it threw you like lava from volcano. How roses turn into daisies when you touch them. That you never touch meat, alcohol, cigarettes and rape only occasionally.

It will look damn good on your CV.

Before they surrender their souls to you, ensure they leave their brains outside your gated complex. To find out if you’ve actually turned your disciples into brainless zombies, make them drink your piss as charanamrit, submit to castration while in the prime of life, bathe you in milk and later make kheer with it. Soon your followers will make you the sun of your lives, while they revolve around you ceaselessly.

Congratulations. You are now Night King with an army of zombies ready to kill or be killed for you.

Now would they need to kill on your behalf?

It’s simple. After decades of being worshipped by your disciples and the rich and powerful, you have conveniently thrown your guilt and conscience in the nearest drain. It is beneath your stature to be concerned about your ungodly actions and the havoc it creates. When you are the law, you are the first one to break the laws. While you preach about a life lived in "reasonable restraint", you will live opulently, drive flashy cars and move around with an army of commandos.

Since you are now being courted by politicians because of the influence you wield on masses, you become a megalomaniac. Once you share a mutual lick-ass relationship, both will look the other way when either is gleefully stealing, exploiting and getting their critics murdered.

But you are shrewd. You know you are nothing more than a glorified criminal and the mafia you run to control and subvert for your gains will eventually land you in trouble. Even though you have politicians ready to save your ample posterior in case you land in trouble, you build up your own army ready to take on the law.

And one day while you are busy humming your newest bhajan ‘love charger,’ shit will hit the ceiling and will fall all over you and your diamond juttis. After all there exists a real God who has been watching you in silence.

Your powerful bhakts will make sure you are flown in a VVIP chopper to jail. Your zombie army will wreak havoc just as you had instructed them to filling the rest of the country with loathing for you and your teachings that instigates your followers to burn and pillage.

While you are writing your memoir cooling your heels in jail, make sure you acknowledge my contribution in turning you into a power-hungry, greedy, sex fiend of an asshole. Do say hi to Assaram. He was always one of my favourite disciples. Tell him not to claim he is impotent, thus forcing poor constables to give him a massage only to see him rise like Phoenix from ashes. They are government employees, not his devotees.



Now keep chanting ‘I am a victim of a larger conspiracy.’ You will have to start believing it first before you brainwash your lakhs of disciples into believing this.


Toss well on your prison bed,

Cheerio,

Maa Purba


36 comments:

  1. This MSG has does not add to taste and is harmful to peoplekind.

    You should ve calculated the cost of having assholes in the system. An important financial metric which determines the sanity levels of people following it.

    Nice read. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I am sure there exist Gurus who give clarity and purpose to their followers' lives. This gentleman is certainly not one of them.

      Delete
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  2. Mata Purba ki Jai Ho👌👍🎉
    Thanks for the enlightenment but still I need to narrate as to what the lawyers will defend for these Dhongi Babas....that these so called Rapist Baba's are not Rapist🙄🙄🤔🤔
    Yes they are human adult man like most of us.Hence inorder to keep their cannons working smooth, sometimes they misfire the targets and fall victim to so called Rapist Baba😋😋😎😎

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. At least for now our dear Papa jee is rotting in jail shedding tears for his missing Honey.

      Delete
  3. Well said.. till there are people who enjoy being fooled there will be no shortage of Babas making merry and our politicians the spineless scoundrels that they are in search of votes will continue to support them..

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Religious cults is something that's beyond my comprehension. I can understand what draws people to them. But what prompts them to stay on when they discover uncomfortable truths!

      Delete
  4. Jai Ma Purba! Jab tak sooraj chand rahega, India mein aise Baba rahenge! :(

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If you can't beat them, join them, Kala.

      Delete
  5. You are the new age Maa and what a potion concocted that defies all logic in brainwashing people who worship blindly and ready to kill and burn for babaism. Your post makes me wonder what Baba Sehgal could have become. The worst is the neta-giris cutting across parties bowed in deference...notes ka charcha becames charcha satta ka.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. They are all the same. Feeding off people's misery.

      Delete
  6. You anger is so palpable through the wit and humour. So many things in the baba-land that is India defies all logic !As you rightly said, India is teeming with classes who feel hey have been wronged. They may have money but they don't have the status or respect they crave. The baba gives them that. It's a simple thing of understanding someone's psychology and then exploiting them !

    ReplyDelete
  7. As Ruch said, one can feel your angst. Imagine the plight of girls who were raped, their brother killed, their families threatened. Salute them for standing up against him for decades. The idiot was bawling like a baby, so disconnected with what he had done all these years.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. He still is, for his beloved Honeypreet.

      Delete
  8. These babas who come up from the masses, take them in with their charm, have Robinhood ways to win followers and loyalty and then create a base that endears them to politicians and dirty money. A dirty nexus which I think will continue to thrive till there are gullible people to take advantage of.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. They are no better than mafia bosses.

      Delete
  9. What I like about your scathing attack on the filthy criminals posing as Godmen, you didn't spare the men and machinery facilitating, and at times conniving with these cancerous growths for a bunch of currency notes or a handful of votes. At a time when the conventional media seems to have sold it's soul to soiled moola (or TRP) or their political masters, we are grateful to you for keeping the voice of conscience audible.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And I am grateful for your comments.

      Also, please accept my blessings

      Delete
  10. A sad commentary on how the gullible keep falling in the endless black holes created by such ...holes! Such judgements that pronounce a handful few guilty are like streaks of lightning behind the dark clouds

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We have failed our poor. The Baba gave them hope and then exploited them like the very people they were escaping from.

      Delete
  11. This bastard's depravity,his cunning,unforgivable use of people's hunger for peace,livelihood and a sense of belonging disgusts me.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The more I read about him, the more I am filled with revulsion.

      Delete
  12. Very saddening state of affairs. While the bastard has been sentenced for 20 years, the Dera will go on. I hear his son has been named as his successor. Don't know if he is as evil as his father, but I'm sure that the 'power' he will get hold of will eventually get his demons to the fore.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I am expecting a full on family feud over his wealth.

      Delete
  13. Fab read! Your anger is justified...I am not sure I can put into words what I feel right now about this dolt and the others like him. Whatever punishment, court orders may come their way or the heinous crimes they commit, they will continue to be the beloved 'babas' to people. I wish this could change.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. At least our judiciary rose the occasion and gave us hope that justice is not dead yet.

      Delete
  14. Loved reading this !!! You hit the right note.. we as Indians just believe on these shams.. I am glad after so many years he finally got the judgement.. Justice was delayed but not denied!!

    http://www.bootsandbutter.com

    ReplyDelete
  15. MSG is indeed bad for your health.
    You must see this "interview" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RjJQmTjB1WU and you have to hear him "sing" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q48tagwurUw

    These gurus come and go. In his case I hope he remains gone forever. It is a case of 'badi arse ley kay aaye they, badi arse ley kay jayange'

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Don't worry. Some other asshole will take his place.

      Delete
  16. Lol.. Great advice here Purba. Babadom is the most lucrative job there is. And lest the women feel left out, we have a precious few of female babas too.. there should seriously be a training school for this. Such lucrative professions need to imbibe the right skill set. Another possible idea is to buy some followers to start with while others falls in line :)

    ReplyDelete
  17. Awesome work.Just wished to drop a comment and say i'm new your journal and adore what i'm reading.Thanks for the share

    ReplyDelete
  18. Hey keep posting such sensible and significant articles.

    ReplyDelete

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