My Crystal Ball Predicts...


The road to Baga beach is almost empty. The taxi union after taking the pledge to go green has sold off their taxis and are now giving free piggy back rides. The shops selling genuine fakes have now turned into physiotherapy centres.  The shopkeepers spent a fortune buying their degrees from the neighbouring state.  As I walk towards Tito’s, I notice a huge crowd on the beach.  They have all assembled to hear Anu Jalota sing bhajans.  Jalota looked quite fetching in a bandhni lungi and Doc Martins, his six packs gleaming under the moonlight.  Nearby at Zanzibar, the world- famous- in- Goa shack, they are serving lauki juice.  Since it’s happy hour, one can get two glasses for the price of one.  Hey isn’t that Vijay Mallya glugging a tall one! 

Somewhere in Delhi, inside a well designed by Lutyens & Baker half a century back, Sushma Swaraj is giving an impassioned speech.  With his face resting on his palms, Kapil Sibal is listening to her with rapt attention and admiring her Patola sari.  Just as Ms Swaraj finishes her debate, Manu Singhvi starts applauding wildly shouting bravo-bravo.  Sushma blushes a beetroot red and does a silent adaab.

In Lucknow, Maya is giggling softly as she unwraps her Valentine’s gift from Rahul G.  It’s a cute jumbo with a heart sown on it.  She shyly puts a garland of currency notes around its neck. 

Mamata Di has finally learnt a new word – Yes.  It took 72 back-to-back episodes of Yes Minister to get it into her head.  

MMS – the silent sardar’s weekend soiree was a hit.  The ghazal renditions in his velvety baritone left the audience asking for more.  People afflicted with an acute case of hypermetropia could almost mistake him for Jagjit Singh(may his soul rest in peace).  The TV cameras were quick to capture a man swaying wildly at MMS’s feet.  Only when the gamchha came off, did the audience realize that it was none other than Kiran Bedi.  Kejriwal was thumping his tabla energetically, his shampooed hair bouncing with a life of its own.

Salman Rushdie was spotted cozying up to Tasleema Nasreen on the streets of Nice.  When the paparazzi started following them, Rushdie screamed #Shame at them before disappearing into the dark alleys. 

With Kiran and Kejriwal discovering their love for music and Manmohan, Anna now has to fend for himself with only the Bhushans for company.   The self-proclaimed Gandhian has now adopted a unique form of protest to bring the government to its knees.  He now eats non-stop till Pranab Da comes running to him, begging him to stop.  Shri Hazare will soon be enrolled for Jane Fonda’s aerobics for the elderly.

The National survey has thrown a few surprises with Mumbai emerging as the cleanest city, Delhi the safest and Bangalore with the least traffic.  And now that Chennai is the new fashion capital, all Fashion weeks will be held in Amma’s own country. 

Hollywood hotties, Ryan Gosling and Eve Mendes were spotted wearing monkey caps and Hermes lungis are a worldwide rage.

Finally Bollywood has come up with its first crossover hit – Amar Akbar Anthony(AAA) starring Amir, Sallu and SRK.  Their Mom, the role essayed brilliantly by Bipasha, is a wrestler who goes to Beijing to participate in the Olympics.  Instead of winning any medals, she comes back with triplets.  The movie revolves around these youngsters who must find their Dad, so that they can get him to pay alimony.   AAA are desperate to get her off their back.   In the movie Sallu romances Angelina Jolie’s daughter while SRK and Amir fight over Just a Beiber.  The movie creates history by running to full houses (if you don’t look beyond the last four rows of the movie halls) for 25 consecutive weeks.

And my crystal ball shows Sharad Pawar dancing with gusto on the streets of Vrindavan,  his arms raised towards heaven chanting Hare Krishna~~Hare Rama.  After donating his assets worth 12 crore (and the rest of the zeros he conveniently forgot) for the welfare of Vrindavan widows, he has decided to spend the rest of his life in service of Almighty.  

This is what my made in China, Crystal Ball has predicted. Now all I have to do is start praying sincerely and earn some brownie points from God.  I want to make sure that I live long enough to see these miracles unfold.
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  1. Hahahahaha.....Mata Purbeshwari ji :P
    Maybe, in a parallel universe somewhere, all this might be happening right now. Think about it.
    In the meanwhile, I want what you have been smoking.

  2. I never knew stuff Made-in-China can be so much fun.
    Off to Palika right away!

  3. Hermes lungi! Oh the fashion world is amazed at the innovation of the brilliant 3/4th-lungi fold!

    Hermes has titled it the "caprulunghi"!

  4. Rahul's secret love for Mayawati.. uff what mother Gandhi will do now??

    too good Purba, uff

  5. jumbo with the heart and hermes lungi were my fav moments...made me imagine and picture the sight in my head and then laugh out aloud :) :)

    amazing Purba, both you and your witty brain :) :)

  6. A hell of an interesting prediction, even though the Crystal ball is made in China :)

    Mum coming back with triplets is hilarious.

    Gr8 imagination!

  7. Everything is possible....but Pawar donating money...unbelievable.
    Awesome imagination Purba!

  8. Oh Purba, you are making predictions for free! You can become a billionaire if you encash this talent :-)

  9. I can visualize the "Powerful Dance" at Vrindaban.... awsome !!!!!!!!!

  10. Amen!

    But are you sure you can trust this Chinese crystal ball? I've heard they send the last and the most defected goods over to India.

    Blasphemous Aesthete

  11. ha ha ha.. Your crystal Ball from China is rocking.. Beautiful write-up...

    Someone is Special

  12. This comment has been removed by the author.

    made by recycling glass from bottles of outdated absinthe and tequila,
    by highly spiritual skilled artists,
    skilled in consuming the content minutes before commencing work, makin em highly 'spirit'ual
    its only normal that some of the delirium rubs off :)
    jus kiddin.. howlarious post!
    as always, a refreshing read!

  14. Hilarious Post.
    Few more visions from a fellow crystal gazer.
    Chetan Bhagat finally wins the Booker prize for his novel 28 states.
    Sachin scores his 100th century in international cricket under Ganguly's astute leadership.
    Digvijay Singh buys a minority stake in CrystalClear Inc, who have their headquarters in China and are the worlds biggest seller of Crystal Balls and other Extra Sensory perception devices.

  15. Nothing wrong with your Crystal Ball. You seem to have set it to 'INVERSE REALITY' Mode accidentally. Its not your fault though. Chinese English can bewilder the best linguists. Here is what you can do.

    1. Go to the 主菜单 (Main Menu).
    2. Set Language to Chinese (Simple).
    3.Select option 9. Next, scroll to the bottom. You will find something like this:如果你是一个做梦的类型,选择逆现实模式。(For all those dreamers out there!)Press the right cursor then the up cursor 3 times. You will come to this: 我清醒 (I am Sane). Your Crystal Ball will be set to reality. Have Fun!

    Incidentally, that was a hell of fun dished out in an accomplished language.

  16. Snow....Delighted that I have graduated from Auntius to Mata.
    And the answer to your Q - you should know, you bought it for me!

    facesplacespaces ...And you can also order online. Have given the link at the end of the post :D

    Kartikay...My crystal ball shows Kartikay sporting a Hermes lungi and a Monkey cap, walking the runway in Milan.

    The Italian belles are swooning.

  17. Bhavana...Hehe...thank you :)

    Purvi...Not the devil's workshop?

    Aabha...The mind knows no boundaries :D

  18. Alka...But if he does, wouldn't that be lovely?

    Giribala...Damn! I just let all that wealth slip through my fingers!

    Amitava...The modern day Chaitanya Maha Probhu :D

  19. Blasphemous....Defective hai lekin effective hai :d

    Someone is Special...Glad you enjoyed.

    manan...If all we need is a tequila shot to liberate us, why not!

  20. Ayan...Diggy needs to be gainfully occupied to keep him from shooting his mouth off! I will personally deliver a crystal ball to his place.

    umashankar...Hehehe..That was one hell of a Made_in_India comment!!!!

  21. That was awesome predictions from the newly acquired skill of crystal gazing:) May some of these predictions come true for benefit of lesser mortals!

  22. Fantastic predictions :). I really liked the Anna part. Wish your crystal ball had the power to turn at least one of the predictions into reality. Really good.

  23. hehe Each one more bizarre than the other. Really hilarious and sad at the same time.

  24. what a prediction "yeh kya ho raha hain bhai, yeh kya ho raha hain" kind of a post, you didn't spare anyone hehe.....good one loved reading it....

  25. lol..Bipasha as wrestler..only u can come up with all this :D

  26. And I thought Manmohan was telling us how technologically advanced the Chinese are compared to us. Well, they'll surely win any war against us if they make such crystal balls that would predict such catastrophes! :O
    Bedi and Kejriwal on stage. Ah, what a sight.

  27. Rahul...Now all I have to do is look for a genie.

    Suman...Whatte fun! And I wish TV viewers become allergic to Big Boss and Roadies.

    Rachna...Yep it is.

  28. Bhavna...Jane bhi do yaaro ishtyle?

    Ana_treek....She does look like one doesn't she?

    D2...Naa...kee mojaa... Now I want a qawali as well.

  29. hahahahahahaha.. u r predicting the impossible.. may b this is happening in anthr world, MATRIX..? or is our world a MATRIX run by bloody politicians..? ;-)

  30. Doesn't sound anything like a made in China crystal ball, the predictions are so realistic. Imagine what a peaceful country we will have if all of them or at least some of them come true! Loved the predictions. Anything for me?

  31. Now where did my comment go:0 :(

  32. Raghu...You think they have the brains?

    Zephyr...You get better and better with age and live happily after :)

    Sharmila...I looked high, I looked low and still couldn't find it. You think the ball gobbled it up?

  33. @ Purba: No, I don't think so.. c't even imagine of me thinking lik tht.. scary thought, politicians with brains..!! it wil b a scary movie, if its made..!! :P

  34. Lol...Hilarious Purba :)
    I even had a fleeting glimpse of Manmohan Singh singing those ghazals :P

  35. he he he :) I want one of those crystal bals .. at least it makes you laugh..

    just wondering how sharad pawar will do that .. the crystal ball got it wrong there :)

    and yes to the beerrrrrrrrr ..


  36. Raghu...Politicians with brains will be a good thing! Time for India to shine again.

    Aman...I hope you didn't fall off that chair!

    Bikram...Just hop on to the link, they are now offering a complimentary genie with the ball.

  37. Haha - as long as the Italian belles are swooning, any clothing is fine with me!

  38. The visit was useful. Content was really very informative. visit giftwithlove dot com(portal to send gifts and flowers to India.).

  39. Purba,

    LOL all the way. I would love to see remake of AAA.

    Take care

  40. Kartikay...Go stock up on these fashion must haves and make your city girls swoon.

    Jack...Only if they hire me as the script writer.

  41. //Heaven will be new hell if 'Shared Power' is let loose on the Gods//--my gobbled up comment.
    With Sharad Pawar around to gobble all,crystal ball ki kya mazaal!

  42. hahahah i am not surprised about the olympics bit. considering we are again goin for london to get pwn-ed.

  43. Sharmila...Tress can grow upside down, sky can become yellow and pink but Sharad Pawar will never part with his wealth :D

    Pooja...Glad you enjoyed :)

    Madhav...Yep..hopeless we are :)

  44. You forgot something... Lalu all groomed and dressed as an Eminem fan ! This was too good. Exactly what I needed after 4 days of fever. Still laughing... LMFAO

  45. Purba,

    how do you manage to bring so much of creativity, fun in your blogs...

    starting the day with your post in my mailbox .. reading and smiling .. what else i want ..

    thank you so very much!

    anup jalota's six pack - ROFL!!!


  46. Haha, awesome post Purba, as usual. You are too talented, I say :D

  47. Manu...This is a season of flu. But I'd like to imagine Lalu doing rap,
    Bihari ishtyle.

    Rahul...Thank God someone commented on Anup Jalota. Imagine him singing bhajans in Goa!

    Sumitra....*blush blush*

  48. Crystal Ball tells the potential 2012 headlines. Way to go owner.

  49. that was a fun read, absolutely loved it although i don't know much about some of these politicians. had to search on google :D.

    1. That's tragic. Looks like gen next prefers to stay away from newspapers :)

  50. OMG! My head spins
    My heart grins
    With all these prophecies...

  51. What a beautiful dream for the New Year. With all the talk about the world coming to an end this year, I hope it all happens really fast. We are running out of time ...
    Ha ha ha ...

    1. So let's make it happen. What say you?

  52. You can be called the queen of sarcasm... So you buy cheap made in China crystal balls to look at, so you get to see what you wish to see?

    1. Ha! she caught on to my clever ploy :)
      And a little birdie just told me that my crystal ball is a strong contender for this year's Booker prize.

  53. Rocking Predictions...! :P

  54. I like the valuable info you provide on your articles. I’ll bookmark your weblog and take a look at once more right here frequently. I am relatively sure I will be told plenty of new stuff proper right here! Best of luck for the following
    love sms


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